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They're only 13! I've raised my grandson since birth and he's got a steady girlfriend now. They're celebrating their 3 month anniversary this week. She's a lovely, friendly, attractive girl and I like her but when she come's over they discuss their wedding plans, and honeymoon destination and include me in their discussions which makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to come across as being against their relationship but at 13, I highly doubt that this is going to be a lasting one. How do I tell my grandson or her that or do I even bother to? Just the thought of him going through having his heartbroken breaks my heart. I survived it when I was younger but I got over it fast but my grandson and her are so serious and so positive that this is a forever kind of love. I think I managed to talk him out of getting her a promise ring by saying it's too soon but she's hinting she wants one, so he might do that without telling me until after the fact. I know he's saving his money.
Her mom is just as bad. She told them she'd pay for the limo for the jr. high prom which is 6 mos. away. They're already looking at dresses. The mom told him that he's welcome to come on vacation with them next year which my grandson is all excited about because he'll get to meet the rest of her relatives. Little does he know but I'm not letting him go to another country with people I don't know so I've avoided that conversation.
We already had the sex discussion and protection against unwanted pregnancies and he tells me that one of the reason's he loves her is because she respects herself and won't have sex or dress overtly sexy like some of the other girls in their school but they're in love so the no sex thing may go out the window at some point and I'm concerned he won't be prepared for it so there's that.. I'm too old for this..
I'm out of league with this. I never went through this with his dad or uncles but that was a different time or maybe I was just too busy to see. I'm glad my grandson feels comfortable enough to discuss all these things with me and I don't want to lose that trust but how do I tell him he might, or she might not even remember his/her name by next year? She was accepted into a high school for dance in Manhattan so they won't even be attending the same school. Right now they see each other during school and maybe twice a week they'll either come here or go to her house. If they're not together they're on the phone constantly. The reason I'm so concerned is that he's pretty much given up all his friends for this girl and devoted himself entirely to her. She hasn't though and goes out with her friends which is great but... if, when they do break up it's going to be really hard on my grandson.
I remember fantasizing about weddings with pretty much all of my more serious teenage boyfriends.
Chances are, they'll eventually go their separate ways. Chances are, they'll be heartbroken. But that is all part of life and learning.
There's a miniscule chance they'll end up happilly ever after (one of my friends is married to the guy she started dating in middle school - they're 30 now and have 3 children)- if so, that's adorable, but unlikely.
I wouldn't tell him that though. Let them find their own way.
Good for you having the safe sex talk with him though- that's definitely important. Hopefully they don't go there anytime soon, but better safe than sorry.
I think that you are awesome! Your grandson is blessed to have you step in and raise him.
However, I would consider his young and fast relationship a signal something is amiss emotionally with him...a guess that it could be due to abandonment issues by not being raised by his bio parents.
As an adoptive parent, and being part of many adoptive parent support groups...this is a common problem for some kids who are adopted...just the desire to have control over their family. To find someone who loves them unconditionally. To day dream about the family they get to choose.
It is not an insult to you in any way. Its part of the processing of being adopted or raised by someone who isn't their parents.
Has he done any work with a professional to deal with processing the loss of his bio parents (even if they are around but not raising him)?
Leave it be. Pregnancy is the only worry which you have covered the best you can, and heartbreak is part of growing up. It's also important for children to learn how to bond to a partner.
It doesn't sound like the girl is manipulative or psychotic so it isn't some sort of sick unhealthy relationship.
Thinking about this again, puppy love comes to my mind. This was the expression back in my days. I had my first crush on a boy at about 12 or so. I was unhappy in my home with a drinking father. So I looked for love from the boys. Darn darn darn. Oh to have had that white picket fence home.
I think that you are awesome! Your grandson is blessed to have you step in and raise him.
However, I would consider his young and fast relationship a signal something is amiss emotionally with him...a guess that it could be due to abandonment issues by not being raised by his bio parents.
As an adoptive parent, and being part of many adoptive parent support groups...this is a common problem for some kids who are adopted...just the desire to have control over their family. To find someone who loves them unconditionally. To day dream about the family they get to choose.
It is not an insult to you in any way. Its part of the processing of being adopted or raised by someone who isn't their parents.
Has he done any work with a professional to deal with processing the loss of his bio parents (even if they are around but not raising him)?
You make a really good point and one I didn't think of. From the age of 10 he's talked to me about being worried if he'd ever find a girl to love him and marry him. It wasn't a one time conversation either and it caught me off guard and I really didn't take it seriously because he was so young to be even thinking that way. It was a really big concern to him though. I don't even remember being worried about boys or marriage at that age so I just brushed it off by telling him he's young and has plenty of time to find someone.
He's very mature and self aware for his age (more so than I was at that age) so after reading your post and mulling it over, I had a talk with him and he say's does feel abandoned somewhat but mostly he feel's like he can't trust his parents to actually parent. He has absolutely no faith in them at all because they both make promises and fail to keep them and neither one of them ever seem to have money. He feel's guilty that he has to depend on my husband and I for normal everyday expenses. If he's got a school trip coming up he always apologizes and say's. 'gram, I know it's not your responsibility but can you pay for the trip.... and we've never made him feel like he's a financial burden or unwanted! I told him I wanted to buy him a new winter jacket and he said he didn't need one.. but I know he does but he doesn't want us to have to pay for it.
His main fear though is that his bio mom will try and go for custody of him and he'll have to live with her. She say's that when her other kids come visit.. swears she's going to get a job and get custody of all of them and they're all going to live happily ever after and it scares him. He doesn't want to live with her. Her and her boyfriend share a one bedroom apartment with her dad who has dementia.. and they sleep on the couch so I know she'd never get custody. But, he's also afraid his dad will move out and take him with him.
After our talk last night he asked me about what it takes to legally become basically an emancipated minor child which shocked the heck out of me. I told him that wasn't an option at his age but he shouldn't worry and then I explained that the courts go by what is in the 'best interest of the child and at his age they will take into acct what his wishes are and that I would do everything in my power legally to let him stay with us IF it ever came down to them wanting take him away which I would do if he still wanted to stay with us. I hope that calmed his fear a bit. While I doubt mom will ever change.. Dad has finally gotten his act together and has a good reliable job with healthcare benefits and is doing well but still has financial issues because of college loans and this job doesn't pay all that much to start with. It's a good job with a future though where he can get promotions and get better positions with more pay. So, who knows.. In the future my grandson might want to go live somewhere else with his dad.
I asked him about counseling and he wasn't too keen on it. He say's he doesn't trust anyone but me and his girlfriend with his innermost secrets. But I'm going to look for a counselor anyway and try and convince him to go.
I'm mad at myself too because he's talked about his issues with his parents before but I never realized the extent of his fear and his insecurity about being forced to leave here.
So, now that I've written my little novel.. I really think you're on to something with your observations and that's why his attachment to this girl is so strong. It's the depth of that 'love' that concerns me because if/when they do break up his heart will be broken and I just hope he's strong enough emotionally to deal with it.
OP leave it be and let it run its course. It's better for them to want to talk about these things with you than hide them, hopefully in the future your grandson will continue to come to you with more serious issues!
I also say let it be from personal experience. I am not a parent or grandparent, but from your grandsons perspective. I was the 13 year old girl with a serious boyfriend....and we are really happily married, successful in our careers, and in our 30s now. Got married after college to my sweetheart, we never broke up, and yes, we did end up going on vacations with each other's families (even abroad).
OP leave it be and let it run its course. It's better for them to want to talk about these things with you than hide them, hopefully in the future your grandson will continue to come to you with more serious issues!
I also say let it be from personal experience. I am not a parent or grandparent, but from your grandsons perspective. I was the 13 year old girl with a serious boyfriend....and we are really happily married, successful in our careers, and in our 30s now. Got married after college to my sweetheart, we never broke up, and yes, we did end up going on vacations with each other's families (even abroad).
Lol.. I really want to talk to your mom.
That's such a sweet story that you and your husband were childhood sweethearts and ended up getting married. It's heartwarming to hear. How old were you when they let you go on vacation with his parents though, and did they know them?
I have good long-term friends in their early 70s who started going together in ninth grade - and married in their early twenties. They're professionals, have two grown sons and daughters in law, four grandchildren, travel abroad almost annually, own a vacation home on a lake a couple of hours away...and appear to be as happy as they ever were. So, it can happen.
However...both of my friends were from very stable two-parent homes and were level-headed kids without a lot of drama in their lives, other than both being in the senior play (as I was). Both continued to focus on getting good grades, participated in extracurricular activities, and did not limit their goals to being together, during their school days. They initially attended different colleges, about a thousand miles apart, but the (then) young man missed his sweetheart too much and transferred to her university after freshman year.
They were and remain devoted friends as much as romantic partners, then and now.
In your grandson's case, he is younger, seems to be a loving and sensitive soul who understands his family situation in ways far beyond his years - but it's not clear that he sees that some of his attraction to the young lady is related to his need for security and stability and having someone who is devoted to him come thick or thin. He does have his grandparents, and that's a blessing. He seems to understand how fortunate he is to have you and his grandfather, and you are right to reassure him when he is concerned about being a "burden" to you.
So - in your situation, I'd invite the young lady over for dinners and TV movies and other generationally shared activities. It sounds as if her mother is pushing things, so rolling the relationship back to a more nearly Platonic level would be appropriate.
If they are still together next spring, going to the prom would be okay (though proms for thirteen year olds are not something I'd expect to occur. Dances, yes - but not proms). The vacation issue needs closer attention: how long? Where? Accommodations? Mode of travel? Again, a break-up may make these moot points.
Best wishes to you and your grandson - he sounds like a fine young man, and you are blessed to have one another.
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I never went through this with his dad or uncles but that was a different time or maybe I was just too busy to see. I'm glad my grandson feels comfortable enough to discuss all these things with me and I don't want to lose that trust but how do I tell him he might, or she might not even remember his/her name by next year? She was accepted into a high school for dance in Manhattan so they won't even be attending the same school. Right now they see each other during school and maybe twice a week they'll either come here or go to her house. If they're not together they're on the phone constantly. The reason I'm so concerned is that he's pretty much given up all his friends for this girl and devoted himself entirely to her. She hasn't though and goes out with her friends which is great but... if, when they do break up it's going to be really hard on my grandson.
