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Having watched an ex who did not have your kind of clean record AT ALL win custody of his son without shelling out too much in money in the final stage (this was in PA), I would say go for full custody and don't look back. She's a WARD of the CITY with a tendency towards violence who has already screwed up one of her kids, whereas you are a veteran who has left the service and is looking to care for your family. Go for it, and look to take care of your stepdaughter too. Your son has had enough turmoil in his life without losing three family members.
But you need to do EVERYTHING right. Document EVERYTHING. Have your family (and hers if possible) give depositions or write statements in support of you getting custody. Have your son evaluated by a child psychologist. If child welfare is involved, get to know the caseworkers and jump through all the hoops.
The step kids are now 15 and 16, I have been taking care of them since they were 5 and 6. The older stepson acquired CPS attention because he failed his entire first semester of high school, made suicidal statements, led the school staff literally on a chase, got kicked out of that school, then cries to the counselor of his second high school that he wants to be in foster care, even though his school performance is even worse there now that I am out of the picture. His mom can't control him, a 6 year old and, in many cases, herself. Even CPS sees that he is almost dangerously immature and narcissistic. Anybody would reasonably look at that boy who picks his hair, never cuts his nails, backtalks his mom, backtalks some school teachers, does no work at home or school and, stinks because he chooses not to bathe more than once a month and assume we are bad parents.
The stepdaughter on the other hand has good friends, great grades, is well behaved, is a good big sister and everybody tells me that my son is also kind, academically advanced (for his age) and well behaved.
I've lived with the mom and stepson for almost 10 years doing all I can for them but, these are people who both need constant adult supervison basically...
Don't mistake my despair for resignation, I will fight for my son but, if I exhaust all my resources and still don't get custody then I will have failed him almost as much as if I gave up.
Well you are. Because you are throwing him under the bus and blaming him for his struggles. Step up and be a dad. At minimum understand that his struggles aren't his own but belong to his parents. It doesn't mean you caused them. BUt if he is having these issues, you and his mom needed to step in long ago to help him...not shame him.
I used to be military, I should have been more specific. I did not re-enlist, so I could focus on being a father. I wanted to be a dad because I never got to have one.
Yes to "cochristi", that is a very relevant question, and that is initially how it sounds; I want my baby she can have the other 2.
She shouldn't have any of them but, the father of the other 2 says a bunch of BS about his living condition, when if he really cared for them he would put them up with him no matter where he was at. The mom's own family says she can barely handle herself, let alone children...
I see; that does help to put it into perspective. I also didn't realize the 10 year age difference between the half/step-siblings.
I am sorry you are lonely; I started posting here too because I was lonely. Do you not have any contact with your son right now?
Well you are. Because you are throwing him under the bus and blaming him for his struggles. Step up and be a dad. At minimum understand that his struggles aren't his own but belong to his parents. It doesn't mean you caused them. BUt if he is having these issues, you and his mom needed to step in long ago to help him...not shame him.
I regret I stood up for you.
I might be distraught but, I have to disagree with you there. Many parents have to deal with such a child, we live in a society that shows children they don't have to respect parents as much as they used to. If all 3 kids were like that, then yea I would be bad but, telling someone they should maintain some level of standards is not bad, it's called discipline. Oddly enough the wife agrees with me on this - 1 - thing. As a matter of fact what you said, sounds like a more articulate version of some of the stuff he says, a view even the CPS people say is an attempt to shift responsibility away from one's self. EDIT: also I mentioned assumptions, and you assumed we haven't tried to get him any help ever.
If a boss tells you you're late, keep being late and you're fired or be docked pay, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact preparing someone for this in the home is a good, responsible thing to do.
...but, well this can't be as 1 sided as I sound, some stuff is, and this is uneven, but it isn't all her or the older son... that's what the daughter told me...
I might be distraught but, I have to disagree with you there. Many parents have to deal with such a child, we live in a society that shows children they don't have to respect parents as much as they used to. If all 3 kids were like that, then yea I would be bad but, telling someone they should maintain some level of standards is not bad, it's called discipline. Oddly enough the wife agrees with me on this - 1 - thing. As a matter of fact what you said, sounds like a more articulate version of some of the stuff he says, a view even the CPS people say is an attempt to shift responsibility away from one's self. EDIT: also I mentioned assumptions, and you assumed we haven't tried to get him any help ever.
If a boss tells you you're late, keep being late and you're fired or be docked pay, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact preparing someone for this in the home is a good, responsible thing to do.
...but, well this can't be as 1 sided as I sound, some stuff is, and this is uneven, but it isn't all her or the older son... that's what the daughter told me...
Sorry...you are barking up the wrong tree. I am a step mom, a former foster mom, an adoptive mom...add to that a former nanny to special needs kids. I am not wrong. You need to get into therapeutic parenting classes and learn about kids. Then we can talk.
Sorry...you are barking up the wrong tree. I am a step mom, a former foster mom, an adoptive mom...add to that a former nanny to special needs kids. I am not wrong. You need to get into therapeutic parenting classes and learn about kids. Then we can talk.
You also assume I haven't been to those as well. ...but, this is good. This helps me, everybody told me to get a Father's Rights lawyer and, that's what I'm going to do because I may run across someone like yourself who makes such assumptions, that might have influenece, so I will NEED a lawyer. Your professional history seems to indicate you have been every kind of mom except a birth mom, you are loyal to the CPS systems because that's likely who pays you, but I could be wrong... see I'm willing to use those 4 words, you are not...
I think you stand a very good chance given what you have said here. Maybe not easy or short endeavor, but I think you can get custody. Fight! Sad to say for all the kids, but her instability works in the favor of you and your son. I feel that if you are so inclined, it would be very nice if you could continue to act as a step-Dad as much as possible. I hope that you do. Those kids need you. Lots of ex step-Dads stay in the step-Dad role.
Well you are. Because you are throwing him under the bus and blaming him for his struggles. Step up and be a dad. At minimum understand that his struggles aren't his own but belong to his parents. It doesn't mean you caused them. BUt if he is having these issues, you and his mom needed to step in long ago to help him...not shame him.
I regret I stood up for you.
That's pretty harsh, and you have no clue what OP has tried to make the situation better. The step son may have an attitude that he doesn't have to listen to the step dad, because "you're not my real Dad, get lost, I don't have to do what you say". If the mother is as messed up as OP alleges, she has no clue as to how to deal with a child like the step son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Sorry...you are barking up the wrong tree. I am a step mom, a former foster mom, an adoptive mom...add to that a former nanny to special needs kids. I am not wrong. You need to get into therapeutic parenting classes and learn about kids. Then we can talk.
And, you have no idea about OP's exact situation. You can't know, because there's no way to describe it in a few sentences on a forum. It would be more helpful to provide a few ideas on how you dealt with a narcissistic, oppositional teen, rather than getting all defensive and self righteous.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,592 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50626
Quote:
Originally Posted by RageX
The step kids are now 15 and 16, I have been taking care of them since they were 5 and 6. The older stepson acquired CPS attention because he failed his entire first semester of high school, made suicidal statements, led the school staff literally on a chase, got kicked out of that school, then cries to the counselor of his second high school that he wants to be in foster care, even though his school performance is even worse there now that I am out of the picture. His mom can't control him, a 6 year old and, in many cases, herself. Even CPS sees that he is almost dangerously immature and narcissistic. Anybody would reasonably look at that boy who picks his hair, never cuts his nails, backtalks his mom, backtalks some school teachers, does no work at home or school and, stinks because he chooses not to bathe more than once a month and assume we are bad parents.
The stepdaughter on the other hand has good friends, great grades, is well behaved, is a good big sister and everybody tells me that my son is also kind, academically advanced (for his age) and well behaved.
I've lived with the mom and stepson for almost 10 years doing all I can for them but, these are people who both need constant adult supervison basically...
Don't mistake my despair for resignation, I will fight for my son but, if I exhaust all my resources and still don't get custody then I will have failed him almost as much as if I gave up.
Rage, I think what you're missing is that you acquired CPS attention - not just the boy. As a result of the investigation he was removed from your care and placed in foster care? That's a big, big black mark on your record and might prevent you from receiving full custody of your son.
Is it the case that your care was found to be significantly "deficient"? Children who are off track aren't removed from families - in theory - because the kids are off the rails. They are removed because during the investigation insufficient parenting was discovered.
Another big issue here is that his older sister is probably very bonded with your son, and seems like maybe the most positive force in his life, and if you got full custody of him he would lose her. That's a big loss.
A man who lives with a sibling group for 10 years and only wants his own biological child is often a red flag - all this is taken into account by the court when they make a decision about what is in the best interests of all 3 kids.
Rage, I think what you're missing is that you acquired CPS attention - not just the boy. As a result of the investigation he was removed from your care and placed in foster care? That's a big, big black mark on your record and might prevent you from receiving full custody of your son.
Is it the case that your care was found to be significantly "deficient"? Children who are off track aren't removed from families - in theory - because the kids are off the rails. They are removed because during the investigation insufficient parenting was discovered.
Another big issue here is that his older sister is probably very bonded with your son, and seems like maybe the most positive force in his life, and if you got full custody of him he would lose her. That's a big loss.
A man who lives with a sibling group for 10 years and only wants his own biological child is often a red flag - all this is taken into account by the court when they make a decision about what is in the best interests of all 3 kids.
Yep.
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