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Yikes, the harshest criticism yet. I guess I deserve it but I will not take all the blame of being a bad parent. There's such a mix of responses here and really they all reflect what I'm thinking and why it's so difficult.
I know this is my child forever and will always love and help her. Despite what I consider to be bad behavior, she's a good kid with a good head on her shoulders caught in a tough time and not making good decisions. This is affecting our whole family and we need to work to resolve that or guide her along.
I really do appreciate the responses as they've given me a lot to think about.
I haven't read the whole thread, but ... have you talked to her about grad school? These days, an MA is needed for a job that pays well enough to support an independent adult. Is she interested enough in a biology-related field, to pursue graduate studies? Could she pass the GRE exam? Would you be willing to help her with tuition, if she had a part-time job to pay for living expenses?
Some parents expect kids with a BA to successfully launch, but that's been an unrealistic expectation in most fields, for at least a couple of generations, now. And btw, is there any possibility she could be depressed? It doesn't sound like she's enjoying life, or has much energy for being active, from your description of her weekends.
She has expressed the desire to go back to school to be a dental hygienist but I'm not convinced they we won't end up back here after 2 more years.
Yikes, the harshest criticism yet. I guess I deserve it but I will not take all the blame of being a bad parent. There's such a mix of responses here and really they all reflect what I'm thinking and why it's so difficult.
Well, I cannot understand how you could not understand when she was 8, 10, 12, 15..., that you were inhibiting her own maturing when you were denying her a degree of harsh reality: "to get X, you have to do Y" or "to have X, you have to wait for 6 months", or "to get X, you have to save for it, here is a piggy bank", or "to get X, I have to see your room tidy for 3 months/6 months/a year", or "to get X, you have to be responsible for washing dishes", and so on.
Did you not know that? That it was your, and only your responsibility as a parent, to slowly develop her maturity?
What you've done instead, is: "you want X - there you go".
Now, when she is 23, you come to a forum and ask us, why she is the way she is. And whether it is fair to kick her out.
Of course you can kick her out. This product of yours, under-developed, under-matured, infantile. She may swim or sink. But what should you do to a person who tried his best to make her be this way, - yourself?
It's funny. There is a thread where people discuss millennials and their lazy attitude towards pretty much everything. How they don't want to work. I hear it from coworkers and I see it as well. Then I hear the excuses how the job market sucks, how they have it much harder than us Generation Xers. Idk...this is yet another example right here the OP is providing. Living at home at age 23, haven't had a real job, never paid any bills, never had any responsibilities her whole life. That is not good. Not good at all.
I am not saying OP has failed because Im sure they did what they thought was best. I am far far from the perfect parent myself. But things are just different with the young adults in their 20's nowadays.
I am 24. Make a tad under 100k, have over 200k in assets because of the crypto boom and other savings plans. own a condo - yes it's in a run down area, but I could pay full out cash for it, and it's slated to gentrify in around 5 years. no debt (not even a mortgage). Worked since I was 18.
Well, I cannot understand how you could not understand when she was 8, 10, 12, 15..., that you were inhibiting her own maturing when you were denying her a degree of harsh reality: "to get X, you have to do Y" or "to have X, you have to wait for 6 months", or "to get X, you have to save for it, here is a piggy bank", or "to get X, I have to see your room tidy for 3 months/6 months/a year", or "to get X, you have to be responsible for washing dishes", and so on.
Did you not know that? That it was your, and only your responsibility as a parent, to slowly develop her maturity?
What you've done instead, is: "you want X - there you go".
Now, when she is 23, you come to a forum and ask us, why she is the way she is. And whether it is fair to kick her out.
Of course you can kick her out. This product of yours, under-developed, under-matured, infantile. She may swim or sink. But what should you do to a person who tried his best to make her be this way, - yourself?
Sorry nuala, I never said she was a problem when she was younger. It's just recently and it's different from what we expected based off of past experience. We're a bit frustrated but also see this is somewhat of a trend with some young adults and looking for advice from others who've been through it is all.
Been there-- I was 'psychologically paralyzed' after graduating college fifteen years ago. Was never career oriented at all in college, really just avoided thinking about the future. My dad kicked me out of his house after several months. I went that same day to an Army recruiter to start the enlistment process.
The grad school thing is tricky- often a bad idea for people with no real work history or definite career pathway. It can seem like a good idea to a floundering graduate because it's the only thing they've ever done.
She probably can't find a job partly because there really aren't many jobs in her field available with a BS in bio. I agree with the minority suggesting to NOT kick her out, as it won't solve any of her problems and will likely only make them worse. Some of this isn't even the girl's fault, though some love to blame her and her generation in general, as her parents have been enabling her (which OP admits to and realizes, which is good). She gets away with not doing enough around the house and with being lazy, she may genuinely not even know how to do some basic chores if they have always been done for her. This is a combination of being her fault and her parents' fault. Why would she change if it's working out for her?
Giving her a 45 or 60 day deadline when she has no good job, seems only part-time and low-paying, is a recipe for disaster IMO. Even if she does get a decent job with her degree soon, she is unlikely to be able to comfortably move out in that time frame.
I agree that she needs more education. Whether it's a program for working somewhere in the medical field as some have suggested (medical assistant or radiology tech, etc.) or grad school for a more specific profession or degree within the biology sphere, she should really focus on getting a more specific education to get a specific type of job that will be reliable, that will be necessary. Medical field jobs are always needed. Has she considered nursing school? PA school? Other programs for working in the medical field? Or is she interested in a different route in the general world of bio? Teaching? If people expected her and led her to believe that she could just get a degree in bio and voila, get a job and all will be great, she likely was led wrong, which is also not entirely her fault if that is the case. Young adults in college are often impressionable and naive. They don't have real world experience yet, how could they and why do we expect them to? I was there once, and I saw it happen a lot.
College isn't the answer anymore. College degrees are common today and many good jobs require more than a BA or BS. This is reality. It's not unusual for young adults to gradate college and still not have all the answers in life and not have their lives together. It's not unusual to see this kind of struggle. Moving out is expensive in many areas, entry level jobs don't always pay great, some good jobs need years of experience. This is reality. Some don't like to hear it and would rather blame laziness or a whole generation (always conveniently forgetting who raised these people, btw), but it is reality for many people.
You need to sit down and have a serious talk with her about what will happen next and what she likely needs to do to get herself moving and in a good direction in life. I'd be more concerned about the boyfriend than how/what she is doing and her potential. He may be contributing to her issues right now, he is 7 years older I think OP said and he may be influencing her more than people realize. If he's 30 with a kid and in her position, someone 7 years younger more fresh out of college, that is a red flag.
IMO her two biggest issues are the degree she has and her boyfriend. Kicking her out won't solve either.
Dad, you and your wife are pushovers who created this monster. You are partly responsible for your daughter's irresponsible behavior, you are enablers.
You two could use a good therapist or a good self help book or two, or maybe give Clark Howard or Dave Ramsey a call or email.
You have created a monster. "Setting rules" or "setting deadlines" that really aren't just reinforces her behavior. And yours.
You and your wife need to put on your Big Boy and Big Girl pants and, as we said in the Army, Motivate Her.
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