U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 06-28-2020, 12:14 AM
 
5,329 posts, read 5,266,980 times
Reputation: 3435

Advertisements

I still say that a big part of it is because stay at home parents can complain and don't have to worry about being fired, whereas people who are working need to act like we love our jobs all the time if we want to remain employed.

But I also have another idea. Maybe stay at home parents don't complain more than anybody else, but they (unintentionally) complain in ways that are annoying to working people.

For example, many will say that they "sacrificed" their career. But those of us who are working would love to not have to work and do not see it as a sacrifice. Rightly or wrongly, people tend to find that martyr complex annoying.

Also, some will say that they "wasted" their education. But, if what they really wanted in life was to be a stay at home parent (nothing wrong with that), then perhaps getting an advanced degree from an expensive, private liberal arts college was not the best use of their time and money. Also, if you wanted a career, perhaps majoring in art history wasn't the smartest idea.

I still think that both stay at home parents and sole breadwinners lack balance in their lives, both feel (rightly or wrongly) that their life is harder than the other, and both are unlikely to get much validation from the other. The difference is, the stay at home parent can complain, the sole breadwinner cannot.

 
Old 06-28-2020, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,948 posts, read 47,195,202 times
Reputation: 95847
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitsguy2001 View Post

Rightly or wrongly, people tend to find that martyr complex annoying.
You mean this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mitsguy2001 View Post

I still say that a big part of it is because stay at home parents can complain and don't have to worry about being fired, whereas people who are working need to act like we love our jobs all the time if we want to remain employed.
 
Old Yesterday, 04:38 AM
 
6,804 posts, read 5,845,650 times
Reputation: 9548
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Turd Collector View Post
I second the recommendation for Fly Lady, especially when one is home with children and can only really do sporadic cleaning. Although I was never really able to make a go of it; I found it frustrating because as I was focused on one Zone for the week, all the others were getting messy. Realistically, as long as clutter doesn’t accumulate, I can clean my house from top to bottom in 2 uninterrupted hours, so our arrangement was that my husband would take the kids out for a couple of hours on Saturday: the park, McDonalds, his parent’s house, whatever. The house would be scrubbed clean and I didn’t have to worry about anything but dishes and light housekeeping all week.

My grandmother had a system that I use now (she worked Monday-Friday, and was usually too tired to much housework at the end of the day). She had lists of things that needed to be done daily, weekly, or monthly. As long as she could complete her lists, she considered her work done.
DD does this...she has a schedule. She's not a SAHM, though, she runs a business and puts in long days. She has assigned days for vacuuming, doing the floors, bathrooms, changing sheets, etc., and does a load of laundry every day. The kids (6 1/2 and 3 1/2) make their beds and keep their rooms picked up. Son in law helps out with the daily chores like dishes and trash. Since the Covid, he's been working from home. I stay at their house during the week to watch the kids, and I help her out a lot with the household chores.

DD can't stand disorder in her home...toys on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry in the basket. I tend to "let things go" until the end of the day, and then at 5:00 it's a mad rush to clean things up. But any toys not put away when she gets home automatically go in a trash bag (not thrown away, just left out in the garage for a couple of days).
 
Old Yesterday, 06:39 AM
 
Location: CT
61 posts, read 12,187 times
Reputation: 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitsguy2001 View Post
I still say that a big part of it is because stay at home parents can complain and don't have to worry about being fired, whereas people who are working need to act like we love our jobs all the time if we want to remain employed.

But I also have another idea. Maybe stay at home parents don't complain more than anybody else, but they (unintentionally) complain in ways that are annoying to working people.

For example, many will say that they "sacrificed" their career. But those of us who are working would love to not have to work and do not see it as a sacrifice. Rightly or wrongly, people tend to find that martyr complex annoying.

Also, some will say that they "wasted" their education. But, if what they really wanted in life was to be a stay at home parent (nothing wrong with that), then perhaps getting an advanced degree from an expensive, private liberal arts college was not the best use of their time and money. Also, if you wanted a career, perhaps majoring in art history wasn't the smartest idea.

I still think that both stay at home parents and sole breadwinners lack balance in their lives, both feel (rightly or wrongly) that their life is harder than the other, and both are unlikely to get much validation from the other. The difference is, the stay at home parent can complain, the sole breadwinner cannot.
Actually, employed people can complain when they get home, in their journal, to a counselor... and they do have the option to seek employment elsewhere.

My words are the same for both the disgruntled working spouse and the disgruntled at-home spouse: the fact of the matter is that these are grown-up responsibilities that need to be done, whether a person feels appreciated, fulfilled, validated, etc or not. You are supposed to be in this together; two spouses comparing who has tougher is childish and divisive.
 
Old Yesterday, 07:24 PM
 
5,329 posts, read 5,266,980 times
Reputation: 3435
Here is a good question: how much housework and parenting should be expected of the spouse of a stay at home parent? People will say that they still have to do their "fair share", but it's not really clear what is "fair". So that we're all talking about the same scenario, I'd go with the following assumptions:
  • Assume that the working parent is earning 100% of the income for the family, and the stay at home parent is not working outside the house at all
  • Assume that the working parent is working a typical professional job, approximately 40 hours per week (sometimes more), occasional but not frequent travel, a modest commute (an hour or less), and usually Mon-Fri (but maybe some occasional weekends).
  • Assume that the family is of modest means and there is no hired help
  • Assume that neither spouse has significant medical problems or disabilities, and that the household does not have any disabled children, and that neither spouse is caring for a disabled relative

How should weekends be handled, when both spouses are at home?

Also, are there any tasks that should be reserved for the stay at home parent?

Just curious to hear what people think.
 
Old Yesterday, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,948 posts, read 47,195,202 times
Reputation: 95847
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitsguy2001 View Post

How should weekends be handled, when both spouses are at home?

Also, are there any tasks that should be reserved for the stay at home parent?

Just curious to hear what people think.
This has to be determined by each couple involved. Everyone has their own idea about what is fair and what is equitable.

It sounds like there is a woman in your life who's complaints about her situation have been bugging you.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:13 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
5,076 posts, read 3,749,286 times
Reputation: 15982
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
This has to be determined by each couple involved.
This.

How many kids are there and their ages is also a factor. Minding a toddler all day is a job in and of itself and makes it difficult to do many tasks like yardwork or vacuuming. Small children make quick errands into all-day chores.

If there are older kids I would be expecting them to do a significant share of the household chores, because it teaches responsibility and practical skills.

I'd say as a general guideline it's reasonable for the spouse who is not employed to pick up more of the household duties, but not to the point where she or he is serving as a maid, cook and/or housekeeper to the employed spouse.
 
Old Today, 10:16 AM
 
5,329 posts, read 5,266,980 times
Reputation: 3435
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
This.

How many kids are there and their ages is also a factor. Minding a toddler all day is a job in and of itself and makes it difficult to do many tasks like yardwork or vacuuming. Small children make quick errands into all-day chores.

If there are older kids I would be expecting them to do a significant share of the household chores, because it teaches responsibility and practical skills.

I'd say as a general guideline it's reasonable for the spouse who is not employed to pick up more of the household duties, but not to the point where she or he is serving as a maid, cook and/or housekeeper to the employed spouse.
But then why is it ok for the working spouse to serve as a paycheck for the stay at home parent?
 
Old Today, 11:37 AM
 
1,477 posts, read 464,060 times
Reputation: 4013
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitsguy2001 View Post
But then why is it ok for the working spouse to serve as a paycheck for the stay at home parent?
If a husband or wife sees things through that lens, the marriage is unlikely to be either happy, successful, or long.

Not everything is tit for tat in any interpersonal relationship--especially a marriage or romantic partnership.
 
Old Today, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,623 posts, read 22,325,757 times
Reputation: 18413
[mod[closed[/mod]
__________________
Moderator of:
Non Romantic Relationships
Parenting and sub forums
Dayton, Akron-Canton in Ohio
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top