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I'll start with the typical recital of I how know every not single SAHM complains. This thread is based on enough first-hand observations of complaining SAHM moms that I wanted to ask so I could better understand. The complaining annoys the crap out of me, but I thought if I understood it better, maybe I wouldn't be so irritated.
I know several SAHMs who seemingly do nothing but complain and are extremely resentful. If you didn't know better, you would think they have the worst lives. They complain about everything from chores, to shopping, to husbands and whatever else they can think of. These are women with nice houses, no reasons to be materially stressed, and husbands who seem to be good men with well-paying jobs. One even has a cleaning lady. All of this is compounded when they get together and it becomes a contest to see who has the worst life and the biggest clod of a husband.
I know staying at home with kids all of the time is hard as hell. There is no way I could or would want to do it. But at the same time, I am having trouble understanding why the SAHM moms seem to complain more than the working moms who have jobs AND have to manage kids and a household (because it still is primarily the women leading on both of these). Particularly, since staying-at-home is often a choice whereas having to work often is not.
I have a few theories. I'm curious if SAHM think any of these are the reasons for the complaints or if there are others:
1) Lack of adult interaction. Talking about poopies and having Paw Patrol on in the background is probably difficult and mentally frustrating.
2) Feeling of inferiority for not working. I know one of my friends who is a SAHM has this issue. She has a MA in International Relations and she is resentful that she stays home and is wasting her education.
3) Feeling of imbalance in household duties. All of the SAHMs I know complain about the husbands not doing enough. It's as if they think hubby leaves for the day and goes and just has a grand old time all day long. As a SAHM, what do you expect from husband in terms of pitching in around the house?
Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone could shed some light on why SAHMs seem so miserable. My purpose is not to criticize but to better understand.
In my experience SAHMs don't complain any more than anyone else does, so I'd mark it up to venting - which they are entitled to do just like anyone else. Because, you know....humans.
I think you've got it pretty much covered. The most adult interaction they get is other SAHMs (who may also be complaining). There may be feelings of inadequacy as well. And the household duties will of course by necessity be imbalanced. But overall I'd say the number one reason they're complaining is that they're bored. This is very much related to your first reason. Taking care of little ones requires constant attention, but very little higher level brain activity. So there's plenty of room for boredom and little time to seek out ways to relieve that boredom. Then the dad arrives home tired and worn out from the job and the drive, expecting to do nothing more than eat and crash on the couch.
(Yes, I've been there as a SAHD, but I didn't do much complaining because I actually loved being in that role)
I have a few theories. I'm curious if SAHM think any of these are the reasons for the complaints or if there are others:
1) Lack of adult interaction. Talking about poopies and having Paw Patrol on in the background is probably difficult and mentally frustrating. It is.
2) Feeling of inferiority for not working. I know one of my friends who is a SAHM has this issue. She has a MA in International Relations and she is resentful that she stays home and is wasting her education. This has not been my experience or observation.
3) Feeling of imbalance in household duties. All of the SAHMs I know complain about the husbands not doing enough. It's as if they think hubby leaves for the day and goes and just has a grand old time all day long. As a SAHM, what do you expect from husband in terms of pitching in around the house? This is very common.
Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone could shed some light on why SAHMs seem so miserable. My purpose is not to criticize but to better understand.
My comments are in red.
I'll add another theory: Complaining is just a semi-acceptable way to relate. After all, it's better than bragging.
I agree with maciemom that it's mostly venting. But many people mistakenly believe that the easiest way to connect with someone else is through a shared "negative." It's easier to build a combat unit when you have a common enemy.
So their complaining is a way to do that. It makes them seem relatable too.
SAHM or working mom-both need to vent sometimes. I hated being a SAHM. I felt like a doormat, got sick of people asking me to do this or that because I didn't work, hated mom groups with a passion, not making my own money, etc.
Some SAHM's really are superwoman they cook (Real food not frozen), keep the house clean, take the kids here and there but a lot arent so good.
I make an awful SAHM. I'm much better juggling work and home IMO.
I’m sure I did once in a while when I was a SAHM... although I was quick to remind myself “Careful. You could be doing all of this while holding down a full time job.”
It’s just venting. No big deal. Just don’t refer to my going to work as “getting g a break” and we’ll get along just fine.
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I was a stay at home mom, and I never complained. That life rocked.
Not every single moment, of course, but on balance it was fabulous. Get up, decide what to do fun that day. Playgroup? The children's museum meet up group? Gymboree and then McDonalds outdoor playscape afterwards? Children's reading time at the library, and then the park for a picnic later?
One time we all went to the lake - about 10 moms and all our kids. The day was bliss. One of the moms brought beer - just one each for the afternoon. Lovely day, we felt rich with blessings. As we were packing up we all decided to tell our husbands that it was difficult - you know, hot, some of the kids squabbled, ants in the food, carrying lots of heavy stuff from the parking lot to the car. We didn't though. ;D
Hahahahaha. Women who complain about being a SAHM have no perspective of that - that they can manage their days any way they want.
If I had a woman / wife that was able to bring home the bread and, all I really had to do was keep a house clean and spend time with my kids, I'd be the happiest. Too many happy couples gotta work 3 jobs between 2 people to support themselves and 1 or 2 kids that I have no sympathy for women who seriously complain about having to clean a hojse or take care of kids. I'm not gonna be 55 wishing I spent more time at work.
I can't say that I've ever really noticed this and I've been a sahm for years. Most of my close friends are also stay at home moms.
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