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I am not sure why you perceive it to be so sad a situation. Does everybody have to follow the program of getting married, X amount of children, home on Maple Street, etc. If our son does want something else for his life as you say then we will never hold him back.
I have a couple of friends over 40 who are in this situation. One is a female, though I think she actually pays more and there is no father, so her mom is more like her room-mate.
The other guys have good jobs (though one working for the family business). One is relatively normal and somewhat social but has never had a girlfriend (we suspect), the other is very quiet, and has never really had a social life or girlfriend (we know).
Another guy I work with (an engineer) is well over 40 and still lives with his folks. No girlfriend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella
As a parent you are supposed to raise your child to be a strong, independent, competent adult. What you have done instead is made it comfortable for him to be dependent and weak. He might be nice, he might be free of drug use. He might be responsible. He might be polite. You might like having him around because YOU are afraid to be alone. You wrote in because at some level you know something is wrong. And it obviously is. A 30 year old male who is not disabled should be engaging with life on a dynamic and vigorous basis. Enjoying friends. Enjoying romantic love. Facing life strongly and independently. You are depriving him of that opportunity. You are making it easy and comfortable for him to be a failure. He doesn’t need to make friends because you’ve provided a quiet non-judgmental place to escape the effort. Why doesn’t he have a girlfriend, or more likely in my opinion a boyfriend? He probably lacks the confidence to put himself out there. It’s easier to stay home and hang with his brother who is in no position to face him with the challenge and judgment of an adult equal.
I know this sounds blunt and mean but you need another opinion from the feel good pablum you are being fed by some of the other posters. A range of opinions is better than everyone telling you what you want to hear. By the way you have responded very positively to those who have said you are doing the right thing. That’s called confirmation bias. I’m calling you out, so you are going to probably want to get defensive and attack me in some way.
Don’t bother. I’m not important here. Your kid is. You wrote in. You know in your heart that the situation should be different than what it is. Start a process to get him out and on his own. His ultimate happiness depends upon him being a strong, competent, independent adult. And so does yours.
This is a very Darwinian attitude and something you see somewhat often in dating (which incidentally, could be a reason the son doesn't date).
There's many, many different ways to life. Personally, I see nothing wrong living with your parents forever and never having a romantic relationship as long as you're happy with it. Men are much more likely to live life on the 'fringes of society'.
In any case, 30 really isn't that old.
I understand the OPs mentality. You just want your kids to be happy. Like my mom incessantly pushes me to marry and have kids even though I date women who are not quite perfectly compatible and really have never had a deep desire to have kids.
She doesn't believe I can be happy without those things. You should talk with your son and see if he's happy with where he's at. If he is, then the only issue I suspect is whether him living at home impacts YOUR lifestyle.
I'll also mention that I work with another guy who is well into his 50s and lives by himself and owns his home, but has no friends or ever a girlfriend. Is he any 'better off'? In that particular situation, if I were like him and had no desire to socialize or pursue romance, I might prefer living with my parents as they would be company and are elderly now and I'm not sure how much longer they'll be around.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,742,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella
As a parent you are supposed to raise your child to be a strong, independent, competent adult. What you have done instead is made it comfortable for him to be dependent and weak. He might be nice, he might be free of drug use. He might be responsible. He might be polite. You might like having him around because YOU are afraid to be alone. You wrote in because at some level you know something is wrong. And it obviously is. A 30 year old male who is not disabled should be engaging with life on a dynamic and vigorous basis. Enjoying friends. Enjoying romantic love. Facing life strongly and independently. You are depriving him of that opportunity. You are making it easy and comfortable for him to be a failure. He doesn’t need to make friends because you’ve provided a quiet non-judgmental place to escape the effort. Why doesn’t he have a girlfriend, or more likely in my opinion a boyfriend? He probably lacks the confidence to put himself out there. It’s easier to stay home and hang with his brother who is in no position to face him with the challenge and judgment of an adult equal.
I know this sounds blunt and mean but you need another opinion from the feel good pablum you are being fed by some of the other posters. A range of opinions is better than everyone telling you what you want to hear. By the way you have responded very positively to those who have said you are doing the right thing. That’s called confirmation bias. I’m calling you out, so you are going to probably want to get defensive and attack me in some way.
Don’t bother. I’m not important here. Your kid is. You wrote in. You know in your heart that the situation should be different than what it is. Start a process to get him out and on his own. His ultimate happiness depends upon him being a strong, competent, independent adult. And so does yours.
Oh my God, so much is wrong with this. I’m almost the sons age myself. I don’t subscribe to the notion that to face life strongly and independently you should be the life of a party every weekend or even dating. I don’t go out much anymore because I just find it to be a waste of money. I don’t date much anymore because I find it to be a waste of time and money especially when my dates seem barely interested at all.
Really not everyone wants to run the millennial yuppie rat race. I long got tired of it decided to stop running it and feel at peace with my own company. OP son’s lack of a friend is concerning but others are making it sound like he should be a playboy when it just ain’t in him.
We have a son, one of four children, who is 30, and lives at home. He has a younger brother who is 14. He is a college graduate and has a great job. When he got this job he decided to live with us because it was within commuting range and he could save money by not having to pay for an apartment. We had no problem with that. He is an excellent son. No problems whatsoever. He is quiet by nature and reserved. He hangs out with his brother a lot. (We are a close knit family) At this rate, it looks like he could live with us for a long time. He does not have a girlfriend. He does not hang out with any male friends either. Am I too concerned about this? If he is content does it really matter?
I think he's probably just an extreme introvert- and if he seems happy and you are OK with it, who cares if he is living at home. If he has a great job that he's good at it sounds like he could do it on his own if it really came to it, but why force it.
I don't see an issue if he is working and contributes to the family dynamics. I was raised where you live at home to save money until you get married. Also try to keep an open dialogue with your son and let him know that you love him.
We have a son, one of four children, who is 30, and lives at home. He has a younger brother who is 14. He is a college graduate and has a great job. When he got this job he decided to live with us because it was within commuting range and he could save money by not having to pay for an apartment. We had no problem with that. He is an excellent son. No problems whatsoever. He is quiet by nature and reserved. He hangs out with his brother a lot. (We are a close knit family) At this rate, it looks like he could live with us for a long time. He does not have a girlfriend. He does not hang out with any male friends either. Am I too concerned about this? If he is content does it really matter?
If he is happy with his situation, and you the parents don't have a problem with him being there, then what's the problem. Don't create a problem where there is not a problem, just let it play out and see what happens.
Oh my God, so much is wrong with this. I’m almost the sons age myself. I don’t subscribe to the notion that to face life strongly and independently you should be the life of a party every weekend or even dating. I don’t go out much anymore because I just find it to be a waste of money. I don’t date much anymore because I find it to be a waste of time and money especially when my dates seem barely interested at all.
Really not everyone wants to run the millennial yuppie rat race. I long got tired of it decided to stop running it and feel at peace with my own company. OP son’s lack of a friend is concerning but others are making it sound like he should be a playboy when it just ain’t in him.
I do not think that people feel that the son should be a playboy or needs to be the life of the party, but occasionally doing fun things with a friend such as going to a sporting event, or to dinner, or to a fair, or whatever would be better. Look at it this way, if he gets annoyed at something his parents do who is he going to vent to? Certainly, not his little brother.
Another thing. The OP did not say how old they are, but what happens when they want to retire and possibly move to a different state or downsize into a smaller house or move into a 55 plus community. Will they need to forgo their retirement plans and their happiness because their 40 year old son is still dependent on them?
Oh my God, so much is wrong with this. I’m almost the sons age myself. I don’t subscribe to the notion that to face life strongly and independently you should be the life of a party every weekend or even dating. I don’t go out much anymore because I just find it to be a waste of money. I don’t date much anymore because I find it to be a waste of time and money especially when my dates seem barely interested at all.
Really not everyone wants to run the millennial yuppie rat race. I long got tired of it decided to stop running it and feel at peace with my own company. OP son’s lack of a friend is concerning but others are making it sound like he should be a playboy when it just ain’t in him.
Nobody has to be a playboy or the life of a party. But dating is some of the most basic fun you can have when you are young. He's missing that because he's been provided with a bubble in which to hide. Romantic love is a pillar of a good life. You don't find it sitting at home with a brother who is less than half your age.
But dating is the least of the problems. Being strong, independent, and competent means living on your own steam. Conquering the world and captaining the ship of your life. Not sitting in the dark, safe engine room of someone else's boat.
This 30 year old man is functionally avoiding life, not living it. And I find that him hanging around with a 14 year old kid is problematical. That shows a severe maturity problem at best. I don't care if it's his brother, it's peculiar. Even if it's innocent, it's not great for the 14 year old either, who should be hanging with his own friends and developing into the adult he is soon to become. Not providing emotional support to a lonely older brother. Big brother should be offering guidance and role modeling strength and independence. Not avoidance and idly marking time in the safety of mommy's house.
Look, the OP wrote in looking for confirmation because she knows something is just not right. She knows it. That's why she wrote in. I am agreeing with her. A 30 year old should be out and about, in his own home, driving his own car, running his own existence, and fulfilling his own dreams. THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. And the OP wishes it were, and is right to wish that it were.
And please don't tell me about expenses. If he has a low level job, I'll amend: He should be living with a roommate in a small apartment, riding his bike or taking the subway, paying his share of the household bills, and dreaming and taking action to move up from the job he is doing to the job he wants to do one day in the future. That struggle is superior and more life-affirming then comfortably taking refuge in your parents home.
Not the end of the world. It's very late, he's 10 years from being 40, but it's not too late.
I would start a transition period and plan to get him on his own, where he belongs, and where he will be independent, competent, and ultimately happy.
The job of parenting has been described as providing roots and wings. The roots were finished long ago. But the wings have been clipped in this case, and if they are to grow back, this 30 year old adult needs to be on his own and living under his own steam.
Last edited by Marc Paolella; 02-12-2018 at 09:08 AM..
You say at age 30 still living at home is no big deal but the years can go clicking by.
My BIL is STILL living with his mother and he is in his mid 50's and she is in her 80's. As the years have gone by they have become like a couple who are always together inside and outside their house. My MIL does not attempt or enjoy spending time with her other children or grandchildren because that one child is so focused on her.
In my family we were raised to be completely independent and leave our parent's home. In turn we have all been successful in life and love.
I have a couple of friends over 40 who are in this situation. One is a female, though I think she actually pays more and there is no father, so her mom is more like her room-mate.
The other guys have good jobs (though one working for the family business). One is relatively normal and somewhat social but has never had a girlfriend (we suspect), the other is very quiet, and has never really had a social life or girlfriend (we know).
Another guy I work with (an engineer) is well over 40 and still lives with his folks. No girlfriend.
This is a very Darwinian attitude and something you see somewhat often in dating (which incidentally, could be a reason the son doesn't date).
There's many, many different ways to life. Personally, I see nothing wrong living with your parents forever and never having a romantic relationship as long as you're happy with it. Men are much more likely to live life on the 'fringes of society'.
In any case, 30 really isn't that old.
I understand the OPs mentality. You just want your kids to be happy. Like my mom incessantly pushes me to marry and have kids even though I date women who are not quite perfectly compatible and really have never had a deep desire to have kids.
She doesn't believe I can be happy without those things. You should talk with your son and see if he's happy with where he's at. If he is, then the only issue I suspect is whether him living at home impacts YOUR lifestyle.
I'll also mention that I work with another guy who is well into his 50s and lives by himself and owns his home, but has no friends or ever a girlfriend. Is he any 'better off'? In that particular situation, if I were like him and had no desire to socialize or pursue romance, I might prefer living with my parents as they would be company and are elderly now and I'm not sure how much longer they'll be around.
We have talked to him and he is seems just fine living here with us. As far as impacting our lifestyle, we live on a place with some acreage and when we get too old to take care of the place we have told him we might downsize. He understands this and has no problem with it. He is easy going. At that point, depending on what we do, he may or may not end up with us.
OP, does your son have friends online? My son is in a similar situation, but he chats with friends online in a group that's been together for 7-8 years.
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