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I am not a parent but was a child similar to the original poster's.
Here is what I know many years on: your child is blessed and cursed with hypersensitivity. Although he can't articulate it, his anxiety is spiritual in nature. He can't grasp intellectually the deeper meanings of religious faith, and so he responds emotionally rather than through verbally articulating his problem. His problem is that he is afraid of living in a fallen world. Poor little child!
The problem is that if everyone were as sensitive as he, it might be that a fallen world would slowly right itself. But that won't happen at this stage of, well, a fallen world.
While I have an advanced degree, it's in neither the medical or psychology fields. However, just as David (in the Bible) was able to soothe Saul with music, I know for a fact that children who suffer from extreme anxiety need to escape into a world they can manage. Artificial technology, Bible classes, interaction with other human beings--these aren't the answer. Your son might find extreme peace if you encourage whichever artistic or athletic talent he has or has expressed interest in. The poster who said, "Put him on a horse," might not be precisely right, but this way of thinking is 101% correct.
If necessary, let this little mind escape the fallen world at intervals you supervise but allow LOTS of wiggle-room for. Again, any activity whose sole purpose is to 1) entertain him (computer games, television, smartphones; 2) "instruct" him (Bible classes, Bible cartoons, Bible-anything, all of which addresses an intellect already overburdened; or 3) divert him (activities in which he has expressed no interest, ever) will only make his anxiety worse. Not addressing the root problem--a small child's inability to articulate the sorrow of living in a fallen world--will make it seem as if you are either in the dark about our fallen world yourself, or that you don't care enough about him to "go deep" into the matter.
Creativity--artistic or athletic--is the only answer. And it is one heck of a God-given answer. Phillippians 4:8.
I suppose the realistic thing is to let this child know the he is man and to dust he shall return. Otherwise there would be a a hundred billion of us here and no room for anything but people. God put us here to be self aware, do our best to be our best, and to participate in the experiences of life. Some of these are scary but mostly we will survive all of them.
At some point there will be the death of a relative or a classmate and the child will have to get through that. Don't wait until that time to be reassuring.
As for the fear of what happens after death, we get only hints from the Bible. Here is a reference: https://www.biblestudytools.com/topi...e-after-death/
Our old person Sunday School discusses this often as it is an immediate concern for us. I usually summarise all the discussion of what it might be like with a comment that "today we have talked about many possibilities of what life is like after death but whatever it is we will all be surprised. It is not given to us to know." "Fear not, for God is with us"
A therapist could be helpful if you are in over your head. Or even if you want some professional guidance. Medications are potentially helpful down the road if warranted. The best outcome for kids with depression or anxiety is medication and therapy combined. So looking to professional help does show the most improvement overall.
I have a lot of reservations about this. Most therapists are ill-equipped to work with kids and teens. (In my opinion, they're equally bad for adults, but adults can at least call BS if need be.) Their answer for everything is "talking about your feelings" , something anxiety-ridden kids often have difficulty with. Even more so, my own pediatric therapist, from when I was about the OP's son's age, went as far as not believing me when I gave answers about my feelings. The only thing I got out of it is learning to lie: telling people what they want to hear, to stay on their good side. Medication, on the other hand, is something I'd strongly recommend. It's gotta be more helpful than some feelings-obsessed quack. I wish I could have gotten it at that age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat
Put him on a horse (my answer to 99% of everything). Once he learns he can partner with a 1000 pound animal he'll feel like a superhero.
I'd recommend dogs over horses. Preferably big, "masculine" breeds like German shepherds or huskies. Or at least friendly, outgoing breeds like golden retrievers, that can put even the shyest kid at ease. Horseback riding is seen as a feminine sport. And I doubt a 10-year-old boy, who wants to be treated well by his peers, will want to be seen participating in it. Perhaps something like volunteering at an animal shelter, helping care for the dogs. And in the process, making friendly connections with the dogs and learning social skills from talking to shelter staff. Making a friendly connection with an animal that's basically a wolf can help a boy feel strong. Don't underestimate the "boy and his dog" connection; it's indeed something je ne sais quoi.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-16-2018 at 09:40 AM..
[quote=MillennialUrbanist;51045227]I have a lot of reservations about this. Most therapists are ill-equipped to work with kids and teens. (In my opinion, they're equally bad for adults, but adults can at least call BS if need be.) Their answer for everything is "talking about your feelings" , something anxiety-ridden kids often have difficulty with. Even more so, my own pediatric therapist, from when I was about the OP's son's age, went as far as not believing me when I gave answers about my feelings. The only thing I got out of it is learning to lie: telling people what they want to hear, to stay on their good side. Medication, on the other hand, is something I'd strongly recommend. It's gotta be more helpful than some feelings-obsessed quack. I wish I could have gotten it at that age.
[quote]
I am curious of your experience or qualifications to be able to claim that *MOST* therapists are ill-equipped to work with teens and kids? Or even adults? Or where you got the idea that the standard treatment for anxiety is "talking about your feelings".
It sounds like you went to one therapist...............who you feel was a quack.
I have kids in therapy for anxiety and we aren't sitting around talking about our feelings. We are learning skills to deal with difficult situations. We are learning how to recognize feelings so they can be addressed. But it isn't a boo-hoo feels fest.
I have worked with a lot of therapists. Some suck. Some are helpful. None are god or perfect. None are right for every person in every situation. People just keep expecting them to be those things and get mad when they find out they are human.
I am curious of your experience or qualifications to be able to claim that *MOST* therapists are ill-equipped to work with teens and kids? Or even adults? Or where you got the idea that the standard treatment for anxiety is "talking about your feelings".
It sounds like you went to one therapist...............who you feel was a quack.
I actually saw three: at age 9, 13 (very briefly), and 15/16. And they were all quacks. The first one, you already know.
The therapist I saw at age 13 took the cake. In retrospect, she was a ditzy college intern. Stupid is as stupid does: she tried to incorporate the "healing power of touch" into her sessions. What she didn't realize is that she was an attractive girl, and I was a teenager full of hormones. So imagine the "natural reactions" I'd get! To add insult to the injury, she was very secretive about her therapy methodology.
The therapist I saw during high school was actually helpful: just not with my problems, but with my homework. After she blatantly dodged my requests for advice multiple times, I threw in the towel. But since I was too timid to call out her BS, I started bringing my psychology textbook to the sessions and asking her for help with the assignments. I don't know why, but she obliged. Which made her a glorified tutor; oh well.
I also had a brief therapy stint as an adult, and didn't like it, either. But by then, I already had the skills and foresight to sort trash from treasure. Or I'd simply hit the gym afterwards, and exert out my frustration on a chest press machine or a treadmill. Which kept this bad therapy from blindsiding me like the ones did before it.
Regardless of reasons, I stand my by opinion: talk therapy is not a good idea. Hope my stories can serve as cautionary tales.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-16-2018 at 10:30 AM..
My son (youngest son) is 11 and this year he has become morbid. We call him Kylo Ren because he's so emo. That's what we're doing to try to help him with it - a combination of humor (because we know him and this helps him, personally; your child may not be the same) with putting things in perspective. So for instance if he worries excessively about a lump on his skin I'll tell him what it LIKELY is (totally non-harmful), and that if it doesn't go away in X days we'll just have a visit to the doctor. He will already have been worried by that time that something bad will be discovered and he's actually really sick, so I will generally tell him that if anything were wrong, which I very much doubt, that's what doctors are for! To fix whatever that is. Whatever is going on, if anything is, there is help. He won't suddenly expire in the night. This is 2018, not the Renaissance. We will NEVER let him sit there, genuinely sick and just not address that. He is not alone.
I think in this age group, illness and death are taking on more understandable proportions. Younger children will say they understand death and even say they know it will happen to them some day but I think as the brain matures, really really understanding and feeling this idea begins to be more prominent.
Try gentle humor (if it doesn't work, STOP, because kids who don't respond to humor may feel you're mocking them or not taking them seriously). Try distractions. "Hey, you know, on the bright side, we have a LOT of life to live right now! Which reminds me, did you pack for Grandma's? She can't wait to see you and spoil you to pieces." But at the same time don't overlook that this is very real. Be VERY down to earth with your son so he knows you understand what he's going through, and so he can trust you to tell him when he's feeling scared.
That's about all I've got. With parenting, there's always something new and difficult cropping up because kids grow, learn and expand and even as parents we don't have all the answers. Just try to be honest, don't stoke the flames with further fear but do let your child know that while death is a fact, so is life, and he can live it right now and *probably* for a very, very long time.
BTW, my son was always a worrier too. We have explained to him that worrying and thinking can sometimes be helpful and there's nothing wrong with them BUT that in our family, a bit more worry than usual seems to run through our genes. We have told him everyone is different and everyone has stuff to deal with and thinking things through to this extent may just be a part of him, and that for some things, that will really come in handy! But for other things, it just becomes excessive and only hurts him. So we tell him this is a growing and learning process, like everybody else has, and worrying is his "thing" and we will help him grow with that too, and learn to use it when it will help. If that makes sense. LOL. I don't explain it exactly this way in this order but it's the gist.
He does also see a psych, originally due to ADD (not ADHD, he's never been hyperactive), and that helps tremendously.
I actually saw three: at age 9, 13 (very briefly), and 15/16. And they were all quacks. The first one, you already know.
The therapist I saw at age 13 took the cake. In retrospect, she was a ditzy college intern. Stupid is as stupid does: she tried to incorporate the "healing power of touch" into her sessions. What she didn't realize is that she was an attractive girl, and I was a teenager full of hormones. So imagine the "natural reactions" I'd get! To add insult to the injury, she was very secretive about her thought process.
The therapist I saw during high school was actually helpful: just not with my problems, but with my homework. After she blatantly dodged my requests for advice multiple times, I threw in the towel. But since I was too timid to call out her BS, I started bringing my psychology textbook to the sessions and asking her for help with the assignments. I don't know why, but she obliged. Which made her a glorified tutor; oh well.
I also had a brief therapy stint as an adult, and didn't like it, either. But by then, I already had the skills and foresight to sort trash from treasure. Or I'd simply hit the gym afterwards, and exert out my frustration on a chest press machine or a treadmill. Which kept the bad therapy from blindsiding me like it did before.
I have had bad experiences with therapist, too. But I have found help from some. I think its a bit foolish to cast judgement on an entire profession from experience some time ago with 2 "therapists" (were they?) and 1 student.
CBT can really help kids with anxiety. Its doing a disservice to warn against it. Warn to follow your gut for your child, to learn as much as you can, etc.
If your family is religious, also look up some verses that he can keep in mind during the day to calm anxiety. God is bigger than all of our worldly fears.
Unless you suspect he has OCD.
Stressing religion to a kid with OCD can make things worse.
I have had bad experiences with therapist, too. But I have found help from some. I think its a bit foolish to cast judgement on an entire profession from experience some time ago with 2 "therapists" (were they?) and 1 student.
CBT can really help kids with anxiety. Its doing a disservice to warn against it. Warn to follow your gut for your child, to learn as much as you can, etc.
Therapy helps my otherwise very sunny boy tremendously. He does have this worry issue and it does run in our family. Hearing from "someone else" besides Mom gives it all credence, I believe. Because Mom will of course go "everything's all right." But a real worrier of a child will think, "She says that because she loves me, but what if it won't be???" A non-family member who is able to maintain an emotional distance but is trained with addressing such things can be a tremendous help.
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, something anxiety-ridden kids often have difficulty with. Even more so, my own pediatric therapist, from when I was about the OP's son's age, went as far as not believing me when I gave answers about my feelings. The only thing I got out of it is learning to lie: telling people what they want to hear, to stay on their good side. Medication, on the other hand, is something I'd strongly recommend. It's gotta be more helpful than some feelings-obsessed quack. I wish I could have gotten it at that age.
I'd get! To add insult to the injury, she was very secretive about her therapy methodology.
