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My son has always been sort of a worrier, but this year is worse. His fear of death has been prevalent. Nothing has happened to him personally-but he won’t watch anything remotely scary on tv, these school shootings we hear about have him nervous, global warming, house fires, pollution, tornados, - basically any type of catastrophe. His imagination/anxiety is in overdrive.
It just seems like every day he has a new fear. We’re goingbon a cruise for vacation and he is worried about the boat sinking.
How can I get him to relax about these big issues?
Sounds like hereditary anxiety. An exaggerated flight/survival response which was needed to survive in ancient times. Those that were more aware of danger were favored by natural selection and passed their genes. This tends to be more common in women. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could work.
For what its worth, anxiety has motivated many successful people in this life. It can be harnessed for good things, with decent direction. You'll find everyone has their own divergent views on this kind of subject. Been there done that. My oldest was terrified of moving to California (earthquakes) and would not calm down about it until I promised at least there are no tornadoes or hurricanes here. Keep him off of YouTube.
Therapy helps my otherwise very sunny boy tremendously. He does have this worry issue and it does run in our family. Hearing from "someone else" besides Mom gives it all credence, I believe. Because Mom will of course go "everything's all right." But a real worrier of a child will think, "She says that because she loves me, but what if it won't be???" A non-family member who is able to maintain an emotional distance but is trained with addressing such things can be a tremendous help.
This has a caveat too, and an unavoidable one at that. The child's age will often work against him/her during therapy. He/she may perceive the therapist as an authority figure, or an extension of other authority figures, rather than someone "on his/her team". I know I did. (Interestingly, I didn't harbor this view of medical doctors, even during painful procedures.) Which could make the kid clam up, as far as serious issues are concerned, such as nightmares. All due to a potential fear of "getting in trouble with the therapist".
Besides, in my case, all they did is spew out crap like "How did your nightmare make you feel?" , rather than give me anything useful to work with. I don't know; maybe today's therapy evolved. In the 90's, it was the mental equivalent of bloodletting. But any therapist who's too stupid to know how a nightmare makes a child feel, should NOT be practicing therapy with troubled kids.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-16-2018 at 11:58 AM..
My daughter suffers from anxiety. She's 13, but it's always been there. There are times I want to rip my hair out because it seems so hard to negotiate her fears. It's not easy. In fact, it's really, really hard.
First, make sure you talk to your son's doctor. I would even try some therapy--it is often easier for our kids to talk about this stuff with someone else. My daughter is petrified of "bothering" us. It's not because of anything we've said. It's just inside of her to feel that way.
One of the most powerful things I've found is to get her to recognize her anxiety as a "Brave Warrior" who is trying to protect her. She now sees her anxiety as something she can negotiate with. That Brave Warrior is great if she needs to run away from a bear, right? So if what is ramping up her Brave Warrior is not bee
We also have boundaries that we've agreed on when she's NOT anxiety-filled. One of her triggers is homework. If the homework isn't done perfectly, then she's going to be homeless--and that's not an exaggeration. That's what her brain does to her. And then she gets frozen. She can't do ANYTHING, which makes it even worse. So, we have decided on ways to deal with that situation--she gets three chances to get control, and we have various ways of doing it (deep breathing, taking a walk, etc).
NEVER say "calm down" or "it's no big deal." I know my daughter feels things out of proportion. If she's to the point of sobbing, simply telling her to stop doesn't help, it adds to the freak-out.
We used to do an exchange journal. She would write or draw in it, then put it under my pillow. Then I would do the same. We had rules about it--one of the biggies was, "we don't have to talk about anything in here." So if she would write something, I had to ask permission to speak to her about it, or tell anyone. It was safe. And it allowed us to communicate freely. We talk instead of writing it. But have some of the same rules. We can say, "I don't want to go there right now" and respect one another. She knows that if anything was happening that made me fear for her safety or that of another person, we'd have to figure out a solution. That hasn't happened.
We also have a rule with both kids that if something is going on at school, they can always tell me, but I promise not to go to the teacher or whomever without them agreeing to it. My son did have a bully in elementary school, and we eventually got to a place where he agreed I could talk to the teacher. There was no physical contact, just mean talk. It's important that they trust me enough, because they know it's hard not to run to protect them.
My daughter has a fear of dying. She says it always is there, sort of running in the background. The important thing is she tries to work past it. She colors, she draws, she listens to music (a Spotify account and wireless headphones were an amazing investment!). She has found ways to distract herself from what her mind perceives as threats.
It's so hard when your little one is suffering. It's also hard when you can't wrap your head around why something is such a big deal. I hope you can find some good advice and some relief.
My son has always been sort of a worrier, but this year is worse. His fear of death has been prevalent. Nothing has happened to him personally-but he won’t watch anything remotely scary on tv, these school shootings we hear about have him nervous, global warming, house fires, pollution, tornados, - basically any type of catastrophe. His imagination/anxiety is in overdrive.
It just seems like every day he has a new fear. We’re goingbon a cruise for vacation and he is worried about the boat sinking.
He may need to talk to a professional. Maybe he was traumatized somehow. Once he can open up to someone that would be a large first step. Lots of scary shows on TV for a 10 year old these days. Watch what he watches.
It's hard for most of us to know what is normal and what needs help. Before my daughter's OCD diagnosis, I had trouble distinguishing between some of her behaviors and the stages that kids naturally go through and grow out of. Asking other parents if their kids have the same issues is a good way to figure out if your child needs professional help, or just moral support from parents while outgrowing the issue.
Also, some causes of anxiety are hereditary, meaning you may have seen your relatives or spouse or spouse's relatives exhibiting some of the same behavior, or you may have it yourself, and that makes it doubly hard to recognize as a problem in your child.
I have had bad experiences with therapist, too. But I have found help from some. I think its a bit foolish to cast judgement on an entire profession from experience some time ago with 2 "therapists" (were they?) and 1 student.
CBT can really help kids with anxiety. Its doing a disservice to warn against it. Warn to follow your gut for your child, to learn as much as you can, etc.
They were therapists; what else could they be? Although I'm sure they were LCSW's or some equivalent. Psychologists (Ph.D.'s or Psy.D.'s) would have been cost-prohibitive. Better than a LCSW or not, I have no idea.
Still, if I were the OP, I have my kid do talk therapy only as a very, very last resort. Therapy is general is very pie-in-the-sky, and that's if a therapist doesn't do more harm than good, like mine did. I'd start with something more down-to-earth and rational, like a good prescription medication and/or some high-intensity individual sports.
Put him on a horse (my answer to 99% of everything). Once he learns he can partner with a 1000 pound animal he'll feel like a superhero.
I think this is an amazing answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
Horseback riding is seen as a feminine sport. ].
Who on earth sees horseback riding as a feminine sport? It is the sport of kings, and of men. Cowboys are not feminine and polo players certainly are not.
Even Prince Charles look hot on a polo pony.
You can say a lot about horseback riding, elitist, expensive, but feminine it's never been.
I don't know why I'm bothering to argue against that since you are well set in your ways, BUT I'll tell the tale for the others:
I was an EMT and once had to assist an injured professional jockey. Very short, very compact, and probably the strongest, most muscular man I ever worked with. When I palpated his shoulders and arms his muscular structure felt like he was made of marble. Not a feminine trade all. A lot of recreational riders are women, and my daughters both had horses. The older could shake your hand and make YOU cry. Controlling a horse that outweighs you by over 1000 pounds is a mind game that takes great strength.
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, rather than give me anything useful to work with. I don't know; maybe today's therapy evolved. In the 90's, it was the mental equivalent of bloodletting. But any therapist who's too stupid to know how a nightmare makes a child feel, should NOT be practicing therapy with troubled kids.
Although I'm sure they were LCSW's or some equivalent. Psychologists (Ph.D.'s or Psy.D.'s) would have been cost-prohibitive. Better than a LCSW or not, I have no idea.
