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Old 02-18-2018, 07:57 AM
 
13,754 posts, read 13,257,395 times
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So what I'm hearing you say: Your wife is putting her desire for other women ahead of what's best for your children.

She is a selfish, immature person who doesn't deserve children, imo.

I guess I should say I've been divorced and spent "all my life" as a single mom. Thank you immeasurably for being a good strong father figure who is ever present in their lives. I wish you could maintain primary custody at your present location and let your ex experience whatever she thinks she's missing while your kids' lives have minimal change.

My oldest is 32. I never spoke bad about his dad (though there was plenty). Now he has an impression of how things were based solely on his father's version. I have to trust that I did the right thing, even though my ex freely told untruths about the whole situation. I'll always be the bad guy in that kid's eyes, I'm afraid.

Last edited by hunterseat; 02-18-2018 at 08:34 AM..
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Old 02-18-2018, 08:48 AM
 
2,509 posts, read 2,483,550 times
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My advice is don't try to spin it as a happy event. Acknowledge that it is sad that your marriage broke up. You will be acknowledging what your children are feeling. You and your ex-wife may feel some relief at parting ways, but your children don't. Of course, life has to go on and all that.

Expect that your children will be angry, or not. And that angry may present itself in different ways, at different points in time. Even years after the fact
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Old 02-18-2018, 08:59 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,223,001 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
So what I'm hearing you say: Your wife is putting her desire for other women ahead of what's best for your children.

She is a selfish, immature person
who doesn't deserve children, imo.

I guess I should say I've been divorced and spent "all my life" as a single mom. Thank you immeasurably for being a good strong father figure who is ever present in their lives. I wish you could maintain primary custody at your present location and let your ex experience whatever she thinks she's missing while your kids' lives have minimal change.

My oldest is 32. I never spoke bad about his dad (though there was plenty). Now he has an impression of how things were based solely on his father's version. I have to trust that I did the right thing, even though my ex freely told untruths about the whole situation. I'll always be the bad guy in that kid's eyes, I'm afraid.
Yep. Unreal.
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Old 02-18-2018, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,178 posts, read 63,623,198 times
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I think, since your children are very young, they will probably take the divorce in stride. Kids are very adaptable. The only thing the kids will care about is whether they still feel loved and supported by both parents, and that they are not exposed to tension or arguments.

I would honestly answer any questions they ask about the reason, because when your ex wife brings home a string of potential new mommies, you don’t want them to be blindsided.
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Old 02-18-2018, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
24,204 posts, read 19,122,698 times
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I agree with whoever has mentioned family counseling. They will help you with age appropriate terminology and concepts and also be able to let you know if either child needs additional emotional support to get through this difficult transition.

Hopefully you and your wife and really stay true to the ideas you are saying right now, and become a strong and loving co-parenting team, even if you didn't work as a married couple. I've seen a few families that have managed it, so it can be done when everyone works together to make it happen.

I'm pretty sure that once your kids are older and understand more fully, the fact that your wife has a new female partner will be its own explanation. Whether your wife knew about her preferences and lied or whether she lied to herself because she wanted the life she tried to lead is kind of irrelevant and I'd let go of that aspect, it's not something that your kids should be involved in either way.

Good luck to all of you, I hope it all works out!
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Old 02-18-2018, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,719 posts, read 16,775,153 times
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Even though my two sons were in their late 20's when we divorced, it still tore them up. I can only begin to imagine what it would be like for kids who are younger than that.

THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT DIVORCE. Some people say it is better for the kids than to live in a home with 2 people who hate each other, but I am not so sure. Kids need a mom and a dad in their lives, and seeing them split up is something no child should see happen. But the reality is, people do throw in the towel much more quickly these days, and divorce has become the norm.

I agree about the counseling , and therapy. You need a professional to help them get through this mess. There is an old song and part of the lyrics are "Two fools tried and failed", and unfortunately, kids who did not ask to be put in this situation are suddenly knee deep in it with you.

Good luck.
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Old 02-18-2018, 08:38 PM
 
284 posts, read 377,686 times
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I have to go back to advice I always hear. You might need to create two households, but neither of you should be in relationships until the kids are grown and out of the houses. They don't need to be exposed to new boyfriends and girlfriends (or girlfriends and girlfriends) and future kids that will be more important than they are. Devote the next 10 years to raising these kids and making sure they're the most important things in your life!
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Old 02-19-2018, 04:30 AM
 
24,541 posts, read 18,118,486 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NicholasAB View Post
Trust me, it's not an issue that can be worked out.

She is/was a closeted lesbian and now wants to live life that way. We discussed the possibility of an open relationship. However, that doesn't align with my values and quite honestly, I don't see that working out in the town we live in. Plus, I would not want my kids to ever think that lifestyle is acceptable.

I'm not willing to spend the next 14 years of my life without the possibility of dating and/or having a romantic partner. I would not want my kids growing up thinking you have to go to such extreme lengths of sacrificing your own happiness to make others comfortable. By the same token, they will understand the magnitude of this decision (when they're old enough to understand) and to never take lightly the institution of marriage.

I don't want to get in to the hypotheticals of adding spouses/kids to the mix - I just want to focus on adjusting to life after the split (having kids 50% of the time) and strategies I can employ to continue and raise my children to be happy, confident, and well-adjusted kids.
This will end well...

You’re already saying your ex’s lifestyle is unacceptable and you’re not even divorced yet. I gaze into the crystal ball and see some pretty toxic intolerant behavior. That’s going to produce some very messed up children after a decade or two delivering that message.
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Old 02-19-2018, 05:50 AM
 
3,843 posts, read 4,508,888 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
This will end well...

You’re already saying your ex’s lifestyle is unacceptable and you’re not even divorced yet. I gaze into the crystal ball and see some pretty toxic intolerant behavior. That’s going to produce some very messed up children after a decade or two delivering that message.
If you read a few posts earlier he explained he didn't mean what most people thought it meant even if it sure sounded that way. He was talking about the lifestyle of staying married while wife had a lover on the side. He said he has no problems with LGBT people.
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Old 02-19-2018, 08:08 PM
 
28 posts, read 19,620 times
Reputation: 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
So what I'm hearing you say: Your wife is putting her desire for other women ahead of what's best for your children.

She is a selfish, immature person who doesn't deserve children, imo.

I guess I should say I've been divorced and spent "all my life" as a single mom. Thank you immeasurably for being a good strong father figure who is ever present in their lives. I wish you could maintain primary custody at your present location and let your ex experience whatever she thinks she's missing while your kids' lives have minimal change.

My oldest is 32. I never spoke bad about his dad (though there was plenty). Now he has an impression of how things were based solely on his father's version. I have to trust that I did the right thing, even though my ex freely told untruths about the whole situation. I'll always be the bad guy in that kid's eyes, I'm afraid.

That's certainly one way of looking at it. Trust me, there are days/moments where I think this too. She has said on many occasions how she feels like a terrible mother and doesn't enjoy being one. She does, however, love our kids and it shows in the time she invests in them. She does love them despite her poor choices.

As I said in another post, I really don't expect people to relate or truly understand this complex situation. Had she kept this secret in longer, I really fear she may done something to hurt herself as her mental health was deteriorating and keeping me on the edge constantly. She is like an entirely new person now. I'm happy she's found some inner peace - I just hate the fact that it came at our expense.

I appreciate all the constructive advice some people are giving. This is going to be a tough road ahead. I'm just fortunate I'm blessed with an amazing family & support network, a positive/optimistic approach to life, and good health & financial resources to support the kids.
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