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Looking for perspectives/stories/experiences from those who have had to handle young children and death of relatives.
My FIL passed away almost a year ago. We have generally steered our son away from talking about Grandpa in front of Grandma so as not to upset her. However, that is a hit or miss effort, as he is not yet at the point where he truly understands the concept of death and sometimes he just repeats back the instruction at inopportune times instead of just following it. Grandma is also a little hit or miss, I think she has good days and bad days wrt it. We're a couple hours away so visits are every 1-2 months or so.
My spouse took son to visit Grandma (and BIL, who has pretty much always lived at home) this past weekend. He briefly instructed him a couple times in the car not to talk about Grandpa. He knows that Grandpa is gone, but that is the extent of it. That evening, they all spent some time looking through old family photos (so topic not off-limits) and everything was fine. However, within about an hour of arriving home yesterday, DH received a text from his BIL (who always types all caps, so just sharing the effect here =>) "WHAT HAPPENED?" and it went on to say that our son had gone nuts talking about Grandpa over and over and now Grandma was so upset she couldn't even go to church that morning. DH said he heard our son mention it a couple times but didn't think "going nuts" was an accurate description.
So DH responded more harshly than normal to this text (I think he was frustrated at trying to balance not upsetting his mom and controlling a young child and then getting chastised by his brother) and I think they reached some sort of understanding for the moment, but I am certain this is not the end of this and I expect this sort of awkwardness is going to happen again in the future.
In any case, I'd be interested in hearing from others who have dealt with this type of awkwardness and some of the strategies you used to make it easier on everyone.
You cannot control what a 4 year old says! And reviewing it in the car with him beforehand would only make it worse. "Johnny, don't talk about Grandpa. It upsets Grandma." "Why?" "Because Grandpa died, and it makes her sad." "Where did he go?" (as if you haven't had this conversation many times beforehand)
"He went to live with Jesus" (or whatever you use to explain death to a 4 year old). "Okay"
Then you get there, and even if you didn't trigger him by looking at pictures of Grandpa, he still is gonna talk about Grandpa, since you told him NOT TO, right before you took him there!
When you go to visit, don't prep him. And if you don't want him to talk about Grandpa, don't pull out pictures and sit and talk about Grandpa!
In this context, he does sound like one. With the whole "WHAT HAPPENED?", then saying your son "gone nuts", not really a good way to broach the subject. I don't know the situation with the church, but it couldn't been that she chose not to go to church because she had out of town guests? It's an overreaction.
Ha ha, thank you. I can dare to dream but I know you're right.
Was your father in law’s passing sudden and unexpected? On the young side?
When my dad, at 57, went to sleep and never woke up, we went through something similar. Mom would cry over simple things, and no one knew how to fix it (you can’t), and we were at a loss. It’s a different thing to lose someone young and seemingly healthy, than losing someone on her 80’s to cancer.
Oh, great. Now I’m getting tearyeyed.
I’m sorry for your loss. I would think that going over to visit grandma used to be visiting grandma and grandpa, the two are tied together. It will take some time to untie it. And, talk to your mother in law about this and what she wants. You’re all going through this together.
When Daddy died, a number of my friends handled it badly by not talking about him at all. Made me feel like he didn’t matter at all. Let him talk, let her cry.
The man I married made sure I did talk, could talk, and in my grieving haze made sure I didn’t accidentally walk into traffic. Twice.
In this context, he does sound like one. With the whole "WHAT HAPPENED?", then saying your son "gone nuts", not really a good way to broach the subject. I don't know the situation with the church, but it couldn't been that she chose not to go to church because she had out of town guests? It's an overreaction.
I don't think there's any need for name-calling towards people one has never met. That was all.
No, there were no out of town guests. Not after DH and son left, anyways.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
Was your father in law’s passing sudden and unexpected? On the young side?
It was not. Late 70's, he had been ill for a while.
Family story. Grandpa died while older kids were away at summer camp. All the drive up to camp for visiting day, over and over, "Don't tell older sister that Grandpa died." Parents didn't want to upset kid at camp, also wanted kid to stay for rest of summer. So what does the 4 year old immediately say, as soon as kid sees older sister? "Grandpa died because he didn't take his medicine!"
Point is, you just cannot control what a 4 year old says. But if you tell him over and over NOT to say something, you're pretty much guaranteeing he will. Just don't talk about Grandpa with him, and especially not just before he goes to see Grandma. And don't spend time looking at pictures of Grandpa with him during visits to Grandma.
Point is, you just cannot control what a 4 year old says. But if you tell him over and over NOT to say something, you're pretty much guaranteeing he will.
After reading through this thread again, I am wondering if your BIL is the person who is having the most difficulty handling the death? You mentioned that he has lived at home most of his life and if your father was in his late 70s that would mean that his son lived with his parents for decades, perhaps even half a century.
People sometimes discount the grief of a child when their parent passes away, even an adult child. I know someone who fell into such a deep depression after the death of her mother that she needed to be hospitalized. And this was a full year after her mother passed away. The woman did not even live with her parents but was married and had two little children. Even with extensive counseling and medication she was off of work for many months.
Is it possible that it is your BIL that is getting upset about your son mentioning his father and he is just saying that it is his mother getting upset? Did your husband's mother actually tell him that she did not want her grandson to mention her husband or was it just the BIL?
Or could there be some other dynamic between the brothers? Did your husband do "his fair share" of caregiving during his father's illness? Or could there be some other problems between brothers? Perhaps, BIL is "hinting" that his brother and nephew should not visit anymore or visit less often? Or maybe something completely different.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-20-2018 at 12:31 PM..
My parents were divorced when I was four, my Dad died six months later and we were not "allowed" to even mention him. I spent many years crying myself to sleep as mommy dearest hoped we would forget him. At my first opportunity, she was the one who was forgotten. I can tell you, a four year doesn't understand what is going on or how to deal with it. The grown up should be providing comfort and not isolating the child. If talking helps then please let them talk or it could result in built up resentment.
My Dad died in April. Later that summer my brother and I were playing in the front yard when I happened to find something on the ground. I found my brother and asked him what it was, he said it was a dead bird.
Oh, I see ... that word again.
Children learn in the strangest ways but the truth, done correctly, would have been less cruel.
The adults can understand death but not a four year old.
After reading through this thread again, I am wondering if your BIL is the person who is having the most difficulty handling the death? You mentioned that he has lived at home most of his life and if your father was in his late 70s that would mean that his son lived with his parents for decades, perhaps even half a century.
Yeah, I'm starting to suspect that too. Not sure how I didn't see that until now. Your time estimates are correct.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Is it possible that it is your BIL that is getting upset about your son mentioning his father and he is just saying that it is his mother getting upset? Did your husband's mother actually tell him that she did not want her grandson to mention her husband or was it just the BIL? Or could there be some other dynamic between the brothers? Did your husband do "his fair share" of caregiving during his father's illness? Or could there be some other problems between brothers? Perhaps, BIL is "hinting" that his brother and nephew should not visit anymore?
AFAIK, MIL has never made any such demands. She actually has teared up/cried at the mention, and I think her sons took it upon themselves (well-intentioned, but perhaps in retrospect after this discussion not optimal) to try to shield her from what was making her cry.
My husband went up on weekends to help out in the months before FIL died. I did bring that up in our convo - whether the "fair share" thing was an issue - and apparently it had been discussed and BIL was fine, i.e. understood and explicitly acknowledged that they each had different situations so the burden wasn't going to be exactly 50/50. Of course (in general), you never know if you can take this stuff at face value, and people might even feel fine about it one day and resentful the next. Or not even realize they are resenting it.
I certainly don't think that BIL is implying they shouldn't visit. On the contrary, he occasionally texts to find out when the next visit will be (i.e. hinting that it w/b nice if there was one). This is a family that cares about one another, it just seems like there are some hiccups right now in how they are going about it.
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Just adding a little follow up...
