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Looking for perspectives/stories/experiences from those who have had to handle young children and death of relatives.
My FIL passed away almost a year ago. We have generally steered our son away from talking about Grandpa in front of Grandma so as not to upset her. However, that is a hit or miss effort, as he is not yet at the point where he truly understands the concept of death and sometimes he just repeats back the instruction at inopportune times instead of just following it. Grandma is also a little hit or miss, I think she has good days and bad days wrt it. We're a couple hours away so visits are every 1-2 months or so.
My spouse took son to visit Grandma (and BIL, who has pretty much always lived at home) this past weekend. He briefly instructed him a couple times in the car not to talk about Grandpa. He knows that Grandpa is gone, but that is the extent of it. That evening, they all spent some time looking through old family photos (so topic not off-limits) and everything was fine. However, within about an hour of arriving home yesterday, DH received a text from his BIL (who always types all caps, so just sharing the effect here =>) "WHAT HAPPENED?" and it went on to say that our son had gone nuts talking about Grandpa over and over and now Grandma was so upset she couldn't even go to church that morning. DH said he heard our son mention it a couple times but didn't think "going nuts" was an accurate description.
So DH responded more harshly than normal to this text (I think he was frustrated at trying to balance not upsetting his mom and controlling a young child and then getting chastised by his brother) and I think they reached some sort of understanding for the moment, but I am certain this is not the end of this and I expect this sort of awkwardness is going to happen again in the future.
In any case, I'd be interested in hearing from others who have dealt with this type of awkwardness and some of the strategies you used to make it easier on everyone.
Has anybody asked your MIL if she wants to avoid any mention of her late husband? That seems very bizarre to me. It's true that after my father died, my mother was quick to tears for a long time whenever we spoke about him, but she was also quick to laugh when we told stories. Perhaps your MIL would benefit from a support group or grief counseling.
Your son should feel free to talk about his grandfather, and if your MIL and BIL can't handle that in a setting that is sure to remind your son of him, I'd suggest meeting elsewhere.
Has anybody asked your MIL if she wants to avoid any mention of her late husband? That seems very bizarre to me. It's true that after my father died, my mother was quick to tears for a long time whenever we spoke about him, but she was also quick to laugh when we told stories. Perhaps your MIL would benefit from a support group or grief counseling.
Your son should feel free to talk about his grandfather, and if your MIL and BIL can't handle that in a setting that is sure to remind your son of him, I'd suggest meeting elsewhere.
Absolutely.
It's not fair to constantly admonish a child like that because it assumes that he will understand subtle adult dynamics, and it usually, as you have seen, ends up making a bigger deal out of the problem.
The sons need to get to a point with their mom where they don't need to feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Talk about it in the open because secrets breed sickness.
Has anybody asked your MIL if she wants to avoid any mention of her late husband? That seems very bizarre to me. It's true that after my father died, my mother was quick to tears for a long time whenever we spoke about him, but she was also quick to laugh when we told stories. Perhaps your MIL would benefit from a support group or grief counseling.
Your son should feel free to talk about his grandfather, and if your MIL and BIL can't handle that in a setting that is sure to remind your son of him, I'd suggest meeting elsewhere.
This.
The child should be free to talk about grandpa, and should even be encouraged to do so to keep his memory alive. Of course grandma will be emotional, but trying to temper the 4 year old's memory and actions seems wrong to me in many ways.
If anything, I would think remembering grandpa through a child's eyes would please grandma, not upset her to the point of not being able to leave the house.
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I also am confused why grandma can't tolerate mentions of her departed husband. Usually people find it a great comfort that the little ones miss and loved their spouse.
I think I would talk to grandma about it, and leave BIL out of the conversation.
In general, does your MIL become very dramatic and draw attention to herself?
First, thank you all so far for the replies. I am pleasantly surprised that this thread hasn't devolved (yet) into a chorus of "bad parents, how can you not control your child", which is what I was bracing for. Some good food for thought so far.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
Has anybody asked your MIL if she wants to avoid any mention of her late husband?
You know, I'm not sure I know the answer to this currently. As I reflect back on it, I think all this may have started because initially she did tear up or cry a little if our son mentioned Grandpa, so we tried to curb that. I've not personally been part of these conversations, but I think on occasions she has said she is better about it, but then we have this past weekend's incident.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
Perhaps your MIL would benefit from a support group or grief counseling.
This has been brought up here and there, but nothing acted upon. I agree (as does DH) that there appears to still be need for this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
Your son should feel free to talk about his grandfather, and if your MIL and BIL can't handle that in a setting that is sure to remind your son of him, I'd suggest meeting elsewhere.
I think our son associates Grandpa with Grandma and BIL, so I'm not sure a change of location would make a difference (i.e. it's the people, not the place that he has connected), but I appreciate the suggestion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
In general, does your MIL become very dramatic and draw attention to herself?
Quite the opposite, actually, she is very drama-free. I don't have any of the typical MIL stories you normally hear about, I've been quite fortunate.
I should probably wait for more responses and mull this over some more (but so much for that restraint), but I'm thinking that perhaps we should cease going to all this effort to keep our son from ever mentioning Grandpa, especially once the 1-yr mark has passed. Obviously DH would have to be on board with this. I understand the need to be sensitive, and of course we would not tolerate any derogatory or intentionally provoking remarks (there have been none, but just to be clear it's not a free-for-all), but I personally feel it's kind of ridiculous to keep pretending like someone never existed. If he brings it up and it upsets people, then that is an opportunity to get this out in to the open and deal with this, so we can quit walking on eggshells, as someone earlier posted.
You know, I'm not sure I know the answer to this currently. As I reflect back on it, I think all this may have started because initially she did tear up or cry a little if our son mentioned Grandpa, so we tried to curb that. I've not personally been part of these conversations, but I think on occasions she has said she is better about it, but then we have this past weekend's incident.
...
I should probably wait for more responses and mull this over some more (but so much for that restraint), but I'm thinking that perhaps we should cease going to all this effort to keep our son from ever mentioning Grandpa, especially once the 1-yr mark has passed. Obviously DH would have to be on board with this. I understand the need to be sensitive, and of course we would not tolerate any derogatory or intentionally provoking remarks (there have been none, but just to be clear it's not a free-for-all), but I personally feel it's kind of ridiculous to keep pretending like someone never existed. If he brings it up and it upsets people, then that is an opportunity to get this out in to the open and deal with this, so we can quit walking on eggshells, as someone earlier posted.
It's okay if grandma cries, it's to be expected and completely natural. IMO, and many grief/bereavement groups back this up, say their name. Talk about them. Especially as time goes on, it's important that the deceased person's name is mentioned, that they were loved, cared about, they mattered, they had an impact on those left behind. When all you have left to cling to are memories, not talking about them makes those memories fade, like the person didn't even exist.
At my uncle's funeral, in my dad's hometown, I had opportunity to meet a few men who knew my father (who died 6 years ago) and I so appreciated them sharing stories, things I'd never heard. It was bittersweet, brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, it really warmed the heart to know people thought fondly of him and he is missed.
It's okay if grandma cries, it's to be expected and completely natural.
That's what made me wonder if the BIL is the one who has a problem with the loss and he assumes that Mom doesn't want to talk about Grandpa and is passing that along to everyone else. He may not know how to help her with her grief, so he just tries to shut everyone down.
I do think the brothers and mom should have a sit-down.
This is a very strange family dynamic. It seems some in the family hold a belief that a young child should have more emotional maturity than an adult who has lived many decades. And, in turn, that the young child needs to be responsible for the mature adult's feelings.
That's what made me wonder if the BIL is the one who has a problem with the loss and he assumes that Mom doesn't want to talk about Grandpa and is passing that along to everyone else. He may not know how to help her with her grief, so he just tries to shut everyone down.
I do think the brothers and mom should have a sit-down.
Yep. There are some who see tears and don't recognize that crying is okay, or go to great lengths "not to upset mom", which often ends up being counterproductive.
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