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I predict this is not going to end well. There is a reason he is avoiding you and there is something not quite right about his fiance and her family. He probably knows what it is and just doesn't want to admit it or acknowledge the problem. And he knows that would happen if you met her and her family. Have you seen pictures? Does he talk about these people?
But the bottom line is simple. He is a self supporting adult and he can do as he pleases. I would attend the wedding and just be kind to everyone. I think that's your only option.
We’ve seen pictures and we can discern as much as one can from that, they seem like decent people. Nothing stood out either way.
He certainly can do as he pleases, I agree with that for sure.
That reminded me I had meant to ask, I saw you mentioned culture before but what about religion? Maybe the fiancee is from a very religious background and your family is not very observant?
I've seen in my own family where people who get very deeply involved with a more strict branch of our religion can sometimes become estranged from family members who don't practice that more strict form.
They aren’t religious and nor are we. His mother is but nothing over the top, just average. They really do have similar backgrounds by all appearances.
We don’t doubt he’s busy but he’s not THAT busy, not realistically.
Does he not come home for the Holidays now, either? I cannot imagine living a few hours away from my immediate family and not seeing them for over a year.
I'm sorry, I hope some progress is made soon. I agree, the ball is in his court.
I think that it's unlikely that your son had a good relationship with his mom, dad, stepmom, full sibs and various half and step sibs that suddenly when bad when he got involved with this woman means that all of these relationships were problematic and your son is now finally breaking free. It seems a lot more likely that the one new relationship is the problem, not all of these existing, decades long relationships that were perfectly fine until now.
This seems like a logical conclusion. This is very concerning behavior and the signs point to him being controlled and isolated.
I would stop hemming and hawing and get to the bottom of it. Based on your history as a family who has loved and supported him for 23 years, he owes you the truth. Don't rest until you get it.
Does he not come home for the Holidays now, either? I cannot imagine living a few hours away from my immediate family and not seeing them for over a year.
I'm sorry, I hope some progress is made soon. I agree, the ball is in his court.
He spends all holidays with her family and has not been home for the holidays (with his mom) in over a year. We live further away so the visits were never as frequent to begin with, comparatively, but it definitely is still not the same as what it was.
Also, her parents refer to him as their son on Facebook. It’s hard to describe but the context is though they are his actual parents, not future in-laws. I’m glad they like him and vice versa but I still find it a little different. They seem possessive. Again, hard to describe but there’s something about the context that’s strange.
This seems like a logical conclusion. This is very concerning behavior and the signs point to him being controlled and isolated.
I would stop hemming and hawing and get to the bottom of it. Based on your history as a family who has loved and supported him for 23 years, he owes you the truth. Don't rest until you get it.
We are trying just not getting anywhere thus far. I’m also contending with others in the family who all have different view points. And a husband who’s tired of it and he really has tried. If my stepson was my actual son I would be doing more. Ultimately it’s my husband’s choice but he definitely values my input on it. He and I agree pretty much on the whole thing.
I understand your dilemma as a stepparent. I hope you encourage your husband to be proactive and insistant on a face-to-face meeting. He should make it clear to your son that his out-of-character, avoidant behavior is hurting people who love him, and you are worried about his mental health and safety. He needs to answer the question, "what's really going on here?" and accept no BS.
You need to hear that it is the girlfriend who is preventing him from communicating with his family. Then you can go from there. Talk to him about domestic abuse and being involved with a person with NPD.
If you don't take the opportunity now to learn the truth, you may not get another one.
He spends all holidays with her family and has not been home for the holidays (with his mom) in over a year. We live further away so the visits were never as frequent to begin with, comparatively, but it definitely is still not the same as what it was.
Also, her parents refer to him as their son on Facebook. It’s hard to describe but the context is though they are his actual parents, not future in-laws. I’m glad they like him and vice versa but I still find it a little different. They seem possessive. Again, hard to describe but there’s something about the context that’s strange.
That is very creepy- is there some kind of wealthy family business involved or something? Sounds very clannish, or like they are a Mafia family or something. Seriously....
That is very creepy- is there some kind of wealthy family business involved or something? Sounds very clannish, or like they are a Mafia family or something. Seriously....
I got the impression she has wealthy grandparents. Or at least quite well off. They don’t live in her area but actually live not too far from us. But to be fair, I don’t know them personally or much about them. It’s her parents who are seemingly possessive with the son business.
I understand your dilemma as a stepparent. I hope you encourage your husband to be proactive and insistant on a face-to-face meeting. He should make it clear to your son that his out-of-character, avoidant behavior is hurting people who love him, and you are worried about his mental health and safety. He needs to answer the question, "what's really going on here?" and accept no BS.
You need to hear that it is the girlfriend who is preventing him from communicating with his family. Then you can go from there. Talk to him about domestic abuse and being involved with a person with NPD.
If you don't take the opportunity now to learn the truth, you may not get another one.
I agree with your advice. Hopefully one of his bio parents can see him face to face soon.
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