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Ruth, do you actually think she hasn't said anything before this? That her husband just hasn't been given the opportunity before now to listen to reason and offer to compromise? That not once has she asked him to put away the dishes?
Right? No doubt she's voiced this. Every woman I know who has shared these complaints has voiced similar issues to their spouses. As I type this, I can look at one of my Feb18 baby groups where the moms vent about their husbands basically being useless as the moms do nighttime routines and everything else, despite "asking" for help or even agreeing to certain routines where the father contributes, but doesn't. So, yes, most times there's talks, several, and many times they go ignored or there's only little improvement for a short period of time. Like the mom who vented that she asked her husband to feed the baby so she could shower, but he said he was tired. She came back in the room expecting him to be asleep. Nope. Browsing FB on his phone. He could browse FB, but not feed his baby.
Yes, I have a role in how my household functions, but sht doesn't default to me. If something needs to be picked up, I expect someone, kids included, to pick it up. I expect my kids to clean and put away their dishes. I tell them so. I don't ask my husband for "help." I explain the tasks for the given day, or what the plan is, and we all tackle it. Hell no am I going to run the household, overextend myself, without so much as a discussion on division of labor. If you can dirty a dish, you can clean it, and if you can father children, you can do more than play peek-a-boo and other "fun" stuff.
She didn't mention it. I have no idea. All we know is that what's a normal process for many couples of dividing up household tasks when they move in together, didn't happen. Do you think she did bring it up, and her husband refused, insisting that she wait on him hand and foot? Telling her that being born female meant she had to cook, clean and do the dishes? Not likely.
That's not usually how it happens. While I agree that a discussion on division of labor/household dynamics should be brought up when dating, to better assess one's position/background and compatibility, most situations that I've observed countless times involve implementing routines that often get ignored or overlooked by the other party. It isn't so much as saying "You're doing this, that and this because you're wife/mom" it's mom/wife becoming the default to do this, that and this where the other partner watches from the sidelines and does nothing, even when there had been discussions on household labor and routines. I see this a lot when new babies are added to families. Parents agree to a nighttime routine that often falls apart because dad is too tired or dad never wakes up to feed baby despite agreeing to a nighttime routine. Dad could be tasked to take care of older kids' bedtime routine, but overtime he forgets, doesn't do it, or mom takes over to "keep the peace."
I see this play out far more than the opposite. Wife/mom simply become the default because little would get done otherwise, even with countless talks and pleas for help.
Ruth, do you actually think she hasn't said anything before this? That her husband just hasn't been given the opportunity before now to listen to reason and offer to compromise? That not once has she asked him to put away the dishes?
Do you know that she has???
Posting this online instead of talking it out or seeking family counseling is just nuts.
Another Millennial communicates on social media. How long will this marriage last? 10 9 8 7 .......
That's not usually how it happens. While I agree that a discussion on division of labor/household dynamics should be brought up when dating, to better assess one's position/background and compatibility, most situations that I've observed countless times involve implementing routines that often get ignored or overlooked by the other party. It isn't so much as saying "You're doing this, that and this because you're wife/mom" it's mom/wife becoming the default to do this, that and this where the other partner watches from the sidelines and does nothing, even when there had been discussions on household labor and routines. I see this a lot when new babies are added to families. Parents agree to a nighttime routine that often falls apart because dad is too tired or dad never wakes up to feed baby despite agreeing to a nighttime routine. Dad could be tasked to take care of older kids' bedtime routine, but overtime he forgets, doesn't do it, or mom takes over to "keep the peace."
I see this play out far more than the opposite. Wife/mom simply become the default because little would get done otherwise, even with countless talks and pleas for help.
OK, I take your point. That's a sad state of affairs. Thank you for posting.
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I don't think she's actually working outside the home. She does have one passage where she says something about "once I return to work".
The rest of her narrative is how she took care of the kids all day, took care of the baby all day, at night she needs a break.
I don't have all that much empathy - if her kids are normal and healthy and she's healthy.
In my world, that's just called division of labor. If the baby is crying and she has to get up, well, she's sure going to be exhausted tomorrow and that's the truth!! Exhaustion is hard. But if she's doing nothing more taxing than fixing lunches for her school kids and taking them to activities, that's the breaks, IMHO.
I don't mean to sound unkind. I'm just shocked at how mothers this generation can't do what mothers have been doing since the dawn of time, and they've got a ton of help in the form of appliances and grocery stores and a myriad of conveniences.
*maybe I'm just venting because I have so many friends who have to "help" their stay at home mom daughters with just one baby because you know, it's so hard to take care of a baby. No it isn't. It's just tiring.*
Remember the good old days when adults actually talked to each other about various issues, instead of immediately penning a self congratulatory letter and posting it on social media to become a viral 'hero?'
That's not usually how it happens. While I agree that a discussion on division of labor/household dynamics should be brought up when dating, to better assess one's position/background and compatibility, most situations that I've observed countless times involve implementing routines that often get ignored or overlooked by the other party. It isn't so much as saying "You're doing this, that and this because you're wife/mom" it's mom/wife becoming the default to do this, that and this where the other partner watches from the sidelines and does nothing, even when there had been discussions on household labor and routines. I see this a lot when new babies are added to families. Parents agree to a nighttime routine that often falls apart because dad is too tired or dad never wakes up to feed baby despite agreeing to a nighttime routine. Dad could be tasked to take care of older kids' bedtime routine, but overtime he forgets, doesn't do it, or mom takes over to "keep the peace."
I see this play out far more than the opposite. Wife/mom simply become the default because little would get done otherwise, even with countless talks and pleas for help.
That is literally what happens.
The kind, well-intentioned spouse/s.o. says, "Yes, yes...I will do that more, etc."
Then doesn't.
Then the person who always does every damn thing is left doing every damn thing again.
I'm sure many here are well read. If so, think about the books you have read about China, Korea and many other places where the parents were worn down to just about nothing (often an early death resulting) from work and worry. This was always the lot of the masses of the people.
The entire idea of the modern world - where we have these things called "rest and recreation" is something which only happened in the VERY recent past. On my italian side that would be just 2 generations ago. In many homes it is the very definition of TODAY.
As a father and grandfather and observer of human (and my own) nature, I know the feelings. Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, loss of sleep and much more.
Some people are more "cut out" for it than others....or maybe they are faking.
I've been to the point of asking for help. I also realized that we often can't be helped. I remember some of my very low moments and my Dad (a good advice giver) saying "I wish there was something I could do to help you". He was right. There was nothing....except for me to change a little bit internally.
We are both 64 and married 45 years. I'd classify us as "old fashioned" in the basic relationship department, although both of us had working moms. My wife enjoyed being a mom and so it turned out I was in our business for 50+ hours per week and she was home (close by) most days.
Now that we sold the business, I definitely do my 50% in terms of the house(s)...but, then again no kids are around.
Rambling on....but one important point is that not every situation can be helped. The world does not revolve around each of us and cater to our needs and wants. Often, what is....is.
For some reason I get the idea that some people think otherwise.
Buddha said "Life is Suffering". The same message is in most religions and philosophies. For most of history, people understood this...even if they rarely expressed it in writing or speech.
If anyone thinks they or their spouse is going to become a "new" person, they are being foolish. Those of us who experience some regular pleasures are the lucky ones (in the scope of history).
What is it with this trend in society to go running to social media to air your dirty laundry? Or more accurately, air someone else's dirty laundry? This public shaming has gotten out of hand and frankly, if the wife cannot get her husband to do his share around the house, marriage counseling is in order. Not try to humiliate him publicly, or try to gain sympathy for having such a selfish husband.
I talked myself blue in the face to my ex who didn't take me seriously until I was out the door.
At least, you didn't do it online
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