Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You only brought up the things that you didn't do with him, not the times you voluntarily did things with your son. That's why people are asking you why you don't want to spend time with him. I have a great relationship with my mom and it was similar to yours, when I grew up I moved out and we did stuff but not like every week or even every month! We are close but we're all independent people.
I get it OP.
As for your wife... just tell her not all close relationships are the same, and ask her to stop bringing it up as you've understood and you're taking it into account on your own time.
I have been divorced from my wife for 4 years now. For most of that time our son who was 23 at the time of the divorce lived with me. At the time he had a steady job but if he got sick and missed work he would not get paid for the day. My son suffers from seizures. When we lived together if he came up short with his share of the rent I could cover and still be able to pay the other bills. Last December we had to move out of the apartment and unfortunately I could not find another affordable two bedroom apartment. My son moved back into the house with his mother (my ex-wife under the same rules that I had already established in regards to him paying for his living expenses). I moved into a one bedroom apartment that I can comfortably afford.
Since I moved in on February my son got a new job as a security guard, and is actually building up a savings account (while continuing to pay his way). For a while he had been depressed about moving back into the house to live with his mother, but has been nothing less than helpful especially in helping care for my ex's 94 year old father who now lives with her. The problem is my ex is now badgering me to do more things with my son. She says I haven't called or take him out to eat. I reminded her that as a father I have not missed a single milestone in his life and that I have always been involved in both of our children's lives (we also have a 20 year old daughter in college). Furthermore I also reminded her that our son is a grown @** man and not a little kid. I have work and my own responsibilities. Our son is a grown adult who has (or should) have his own friends he wants to spend time with. Next week I plan on driving to Washington DC to visit our daughter in college. I did not plan to take him along as I want to make the trip on my own, but my ex keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me. I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this without any further hurt feelings because I don't appreciate being given the uninvolved father speech when that is so far from the truth.
You are balking at spending time with your own son because he is now an adult? you can't be serious. Forget about his age as your excuse.Go visit your son. At least stop by for an hour or so to visit. Give him a big hug and appreciate him. You are blessed
. I agree She is the one you have the problem with. When I am forced to do something I tend to do or want to do the opposite. Did you ask him if this is true? That he is badgering her? You may be surprised at the answer. I also understand you wanting to spend alone time with your daughter. Did she live with you? If not she needs time with her Dad as well. This is what I would do. Talk with him and let him know you want one on one time with his sis. Ask him to come up with a plan for the two of you. Then you could set a date. Something to look forward to.
Now for the grown man thing, Yes he does need to branch out. I'm sure it pains you to see him not wanted to have fun with friends. I think living with you may have been to easy. Now Mom has extra help, which is great but I'm sure he was depressed because he knew what it entailed. No more sick days. Caring for older folk is basically like caring for a child. You don't get days off.
I know a kid well man because he is 27 who has only had one job in his life. It lasted maybe 2yrs. His mother was enabler. It's amazing for someone who has only worked that long in his life has so many tattoos..Yup Mommy paid. Now that's ridiculous. Hard day of lazing around and he gets rewarded. Well now she passed. He has no idea or clue what adult life is. A bill? What you mean the electric isn't free? It's really very sad. Yes your son needs to learn to be independent. But he will never stop loving or wanting to spend time with you. Take it as a compliment. I never really got along with my Dad and my Mom was a saint. When I was 14 she would want to do things for me like a kid. I couldn't stand it. Yet brother who is 2 yrs older than me had no problem with it. Girls develop faster than boys. I would say "Mom stop please" in a sassy tone. Now I wish to God I never treated her like that. She was my best friend. What I wouldn't give for just one day with her.
He loves and respects you. Believe it or not kids like and need structure It shows you care. If you let him do whatever he wanted you would be considered a bad parent. Best of luck to you and I hope all goes well!
Never mind what your wife thinks, what does your SON think? Is he a happy guy when you two are hanging out together? Do you have lots of fun over beer and pizza while watching the game? (or whatever)
Does he think you have been, and still are, a father who is involved and enjoys being around his son, or does he feel you are only seeing him occasionally and doing things with him out of duty because it's the right thing to do?
If you can answer a resounding YES, that you have been there for him not out of duty, then ignore your wife. She's just trying to lay a guilt trip on you when there is no reason.
If you have to think about this, then maybe she is right and you can work on having a better relationship with your son IF you want.
I think you just need to limit your communications with your ex. Unless you still have minor children together or you are good friends, its time to get some more distance.
It just seems like none of the problems are with your son, they are with your ex. Luckily, once the kids are adults, you don't have to have much contact if you so choose.
You are balking at spending time with your own son because he is now an adult? you can't be serious. Forget about his age as your excuse.Go visit your son. At least stop by for an hour or so to visit. Give him a big hug and appreciate him. You are blessed
I agree. But that needs to be between him and his son, without the ex-wife interfering. I do not see the son as the issue here.
My parents divorced when I was an adult and I didn't see my dad much anymore. He didn't send birthday or Christmas cards. He'd call once in a while. But he just moved on with his life. I was criticized for missing him and told that since I was an adult, it shouldn't matter anymore. But it has nothing to do with an adult not being independent. Parents and kids should still spend time even if the kids are grown, that's my opinion.
I'm not trying to be cold. Its that he is not a kid. He is meeting his own financial responsibilities, so if he wants to do something he can think of something to do and ask me if I'm available to go do it. I don't believe in treating him like I did when he was a teenager. He does his own thing I do mine. My ex didn't involve herself with what went on between us when he lived with me because I had to tell her I ran things differently under my roof. it.
Well, sure your ex was still married to you, but once you divorced, she lost that sense of control over your lives.
The "empty nest syndrome" is going on here, too. She's feeling the effects of having a child who is an adult now. I have a woman friend who is doing the same thing, her son is grown up and she constantly uses him to make people feel bad if they forget his birthday or don't send him a Christmas gift. She still wants that attention she got from people when he was a cute, rosy-cheeked toddler. And it doesn't happen anymore and she's angry about it. She has even ended friendships with people who stopped giving him gifts every year once he grew up. She seems to want her son front and center in everyone's life.
[quote=gouligann;51446687]Never mind what your wife thinks, what does your SON think? Is he a happy guy when you two are hanging out together? Do you have lots of fun over beer and pizza while watching the game? (or whatever)
Does he think you have been, and still are, a father who is involved and enjoys being around his son, or does he feel you are only seeing him occasionally and doing things with him out of duty because it's the right thing to do?
If you can answer a resounding YES, that you have been there for him not out of duty, then ignore your wife. She's just trying to lay a guilt trip on you when there is no reason.
If you have to think about this, then maybe she is right and you can work on having a better relationship with your son IF you want.[/
I have spent time with him going to places like The Auto show, Movies (6x), and Ice Skating in Manhattan during the holidays. All of these things were done last year and that doesn't count the times I took him out for a meal. Have we done things every week? No. However one can't say I haven't spent any time with him. When my ex starts in on the last month I look at her like she has 2 heads because I have had to move, find a new place and move again, and oh yes go to work. If an adult doesn't understand that there is little to no time to hang out I'm sorry the problem is immaturity not lack of time being spent. My ex sees this one way and doesn't look at what exactly is going on. I keep telling her that if our son has a problem he needs to address it himself. Bottom line with all that has gone on who would logically have time to do the other stuff?
Sounds like you dont wanna hear any crap from the ex. Put your ex and old marriage aside, and just thank her for the advice. Let her know your son has your number. I would touch base with him a few times a month , just to say hi. Even if he is a grown man.
It would be nice to bring him with you to see his sister. I would imagine he has not seen her for a while? A mini reunion between the 3 of you? Sounds like a good idea. Maybe the ex did not approach the topic properly, or not to your liking, but it is a good idea. Its not your son and daughters fault the family is broken up. You will always be a parent, after all.
It's possible she's seeing something in her son's feelings that you aren't seeing, because you aren't there. Perhaps he's mentioned you a couple of times ("I haven't heard from Dad lately." or "He's going to Washington to see Adele? Oh...did he ask about me?")
Your son is an adult, and you have your own job and responsibilities, and are entitled to a life. Still, he does have an issue with the seizures. I have a niece with that; she can never hold a normal job, since the seizures prevent her from living a normal life. They can come at any time...while working, at home, driving, etc. So she's limited. I'm not involved in her life, so I don't know how she handles it or if medication controls it.
Could be the trip to Washington brought this up,and your son's feelings were hurt. I do think it's odd that it didn't occur to you to take your son and make it a family thing. But it might be too late for that, now, since you'd only be doing it because your ex told you to. Your son would know, and does know, that you don't really want him along.
He is an adult. But he is a young adult. And has issues. And seems like a productive, good young man. I wouldn't worry about this too much. Maybe the next time you're with him, bring this up, to make sure he knows you care for him but that your time is limited because of your job, other responsibilities, and of course a little chill to de-stress. Just to make sure he knows you love him.
You do need some sort of regular contact with a child, IMO, to establish a comfortable, familiar relationship. He will get married one day probably, have kids. You will want to have a relationship with them. You can't wait until then. It has to start well ahead of that time.
There will come a time when you are old and decrepit. You will want to speak to him now and again, have him come visit you. He won't....unless you establish that sort of relationship now. Like the Cat in the Cradle song. He won't stay away out of spite. It just won't occur to him and it won't be a priority...you and he never had that kind of relationship.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
