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I wonder...since you had to move to a smaller apartment, and essentially...kick him out, do you think maybe he'd be hesitant to call and make plans? Are you SURE he understands it was purely an economics issue, and that you weren't just trying to get rid of him?
Maybe she's seeing how your son is acting at home, and maybe he's depressed, and feels like your son needs some one on one time with you.
(I promise, I'm not trying to sound judgy and I'm not trying to imply anything. Obviously, you have a better grip on the situation than we do. I'm just "throwing it out there" I guess.
When I moved into a smaller apartment I had a long talk with him BEFORE I moved into my place to explain the finances and how I was able to cover him in the past and that since the average 2 bedroom apartment is much more expensive I would have to move into a much smaller apartment to be able to continue to make ends meet. The depression was the reason I found a therapist for him to see. I did not leave him at my ex's place without any tools to cope.
To me the crux of this situation is, if your son asked to go with you, would you want to include him? If the answer is no, then I think you might be tired of being with him. If the answer us yes, then it sounds as if you resent your ex wife interfering in your life.
So, I think you are within your rights to make the visit on your own. But, if your adult son really would enjoy making the trip, and you refuse, you are missing an opportunity to have down time with your son. As parents of adult children, we treasure it when our adult children choose to spend time with us.
To me the crux of this situation is, if your son asked to go with you, would you want to include him? If the answer is no, then I think you might be tired of being with him. If the answer us yes, then it sounds as if you resent your ex wife interfering in your life.
So, I think you are within your rights to make the visit on your own. But, if your adult son really would enjoy making the trip, and you refuse, you are missing an opportunity to have down time with your son. As parents of adult children, we treasure it when our adult children choose to spend time with us.
But the daughter specifically asked for father/daughter time. And I think that's important to honor.
OP, I feel like I'm seeing 'the picture' a little clearer now, and I feel like you're doing just fine.
But the daughter specifically asked for father/daughter time. And I think that's important to honor.
OP, I feel like I'm seeing 'the picture' a little clearer now, and I feel like you're doing just fine.
I agree. The trip was about the daughter. Nothing odd about wanting to spend time with a daughter alone, without other siblings. After all, OP had spent quite a bit of time alone living with the son. The 27 yo son seems overly dependent on his parents.
I have been divorced from my wife for 4 years now. For most of that time our son who was 23 at the time of the divorce lived with me. At the time he had a steady job but if he got sick and missed work he would not get paid for the day. My son suffers from seizures. When we lived together if he came up short with his share of the rent I could cover and still be able to pay the other bills. Last December we had to move out of the apartment and unfortunately I could not find another affordable two bedroom apartment. My son moved back into the house with his mother (my ex-wife under the same rules that I had already established in regards to him paying for his living expenses). I moved into a one bedroom apartment that I can comfortably afford.
Since I moved in on February my son got a new job as a security guard, and is actually building up a savings account (while continuing to pay his way). For a while he had been depressed about moving back into the house to live with his mother, but has been nothing less than helpful especially in helping care for my ex's 94 year old father who now lives with her. The problem is my ex is now badgering me to do more things with my son. She says I haven't called or take him out to eat. I reminded her that as a father I have not missed a single milestone in his life and that I have always been involved in both of our children's lives (we also have a 20 year old daughter in college). Furthermore I also reminded her that our son is a grown @** man and not a little kid. I have work and my own responsibilities. Our son is a grown adult who has (or should) have his own friends he wants to spend time with. Next week I plan on driving to Washington DC to visit our daughter in college. I did not plan to take him along as I want to make the trip on my own, but my ex keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me. I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this without any further hurt feelings because I don't appreciate being given the uninvolved father speech when that is so far from the truth.
Of course your son is a grown man but he still might like to do things with his father.
I never said I don't want to see my son. I think that a 27 year old man is (1) capable of communicating on his own what he wants to do. (2) I lived with him for four years we came and went based on our work schedules and I stressed wile he lived with me the importance of being able to support yourself and taking care of personal business. If you want to hang out, go on vacation, movies and all the other entertainment you have to meet your financial responsibilities first. That was the life lesson I taught him while he lived with me. I'm not a divorced dad that walked out on my son during his formative years. I never did that to either him or his sister. We have done plenty of things together during the last 4 years and yet in the last 2 months I'm an uninvolved father???? Of a 27 year old Man??
But the daughter specifically asked for father/daughter time. And I think that's important to honor.
OP, I feel like I'm seeing 'the picture' a little clearer now, and I feel like you're doing just fine.
Meh. If the son is struggling, is it really going to put the daughter out that much to have to share her daddy for a visit? He's got a history of seizures and is currently in therapy - if his mother thinks he's struggling on top of those two factors, then that's a pretty good sign there's a problem.
If the daughter wants some father-daughter time, they could just have a few meals with just the two of them while the son does something else on campus. Believe me, I get it - my dad and I are very close. OR the OP could schedule some time with his son before he leaves or after he returns so that the son knows he is important. That said, I think the fact that the son asked to go along is kind of a heads-up moment. I was basically putting my parents at a distance when I was 27, and I cannot imagine asking to go on a trip with either of them.
Look, my friend's son committed suicide not too long ago. There were tons of warning signs that he was struggling, and she really tried to be supportive and be there for him. She was engaged, supportive and present with him from start to finish. It was just the kid had a predisposition toward depression and after a sudden and horrific tragedy in his life, his depression snowballed from mild to severe at a rate no one could have foreseen - he went right off a cliff mentally speaking. The OP has a chance to intervene before there's a snowballing, and if the son is fine and his mom has blown things out of proportion, has the OP really put himself out that much by reaching out to his own child a little more than he was naturally inclined to do?
Maybe the son is a narcissistic brat that just resents that his sister getting his father's undivided attention for a weekend. Or maybe he's feeling sad and isolated and reaching out for a parent he used to spend a lot more time with.
Sounds to me like you've done your job as a father, and as a fellow-man to your son...
It also sounds as if you did the right thing moving-on with your OWN life, and getting away from an overly-manipulative wife.
My only advice would be to just keep plugging-along, take deep calming-breaths and stand your ground. You know your children better than any of us...
...you'll know when they need you, and when to stay-away, to let them fight thier OWN battles...even if those battles involve learning how & when to tell thier own mother to chill-out & relax.
Personally, without even having met you...I think you've done well, and have nothing to defend yourself against, here on Earth OR in the afterlife...
.....
In the 4 years he lived with me my son has come a long way and the progress he has made is partly because I did not coddle him and I made him take responsibility for himself. The dynamic between men is much different as is the dynamic between father's and son's. My ex has a different way of doing things, I respect it, but it doesn't always work for me. I appreciate the help, but she doesn't understand this is no major issue. I have never been the type to abandon my children for any length of time, but when they grow up they don't need their parents as much. Maybe this stems from me being on my own since 20 and my ex and I were married with our own place at 22. At 23 we had our son. I did lots of things with my parents and still do. Not as much as before because they are much older.
I was framing this idea in my mind carefully, so as not to get bashed by some of the posters here for not advising you to gush-hug your son at every opportunity.
So I'm glad you said it first.
Stay on point. .. there's no need to be guilt-tripped by mommy bears.
Last edited by PamelaIamela; 03-28-2018 at 10:21 PM..
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