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I appreciate the advice. I told him yesterday we needed to sit down without distractions and have a long talk about expectations for all the kids so we were on the same page. Family counseling would put it in a more objective environment, and then I also wouldn't be "the bad guy". We will have to look into somewhere good that we can also afford. Thanks so much!
Random thoughts:
A long talk without distractions would be a good start. Siting down with a counselor would likely help. Many pastors will have several such sessions with a couple before proceeding with a wedding.
His daughter may be trying to drive you away so she can continue to be his favorite.
Where is her mother in all this? How much time does she spend with her?
What do your daughters think about what's going on?
If you plan to marry and create a cozy family with this man, I'm not sure that's in the cards. He's gone a lot and his daughter will continue to come between you.
If you love him and want to grow old with him at some point, you may want to consider continuing the courtship without the daughter.
Years ago, a dear friend fell in love with a man that did not get along with her kids. She realized they would be out of the house in five years, so why go through five years of step parent problems.
They dated. They went on trips together while the kids were with their father. They had a glorious courtship. They married when the last one left home for college.
They've been married for over a decade now. They go together like peas and carrots. Matching recliners and all.
The kids respect him and enjoy his company in short visits. They don't have years of poor memories of him that interfere with that, and are glad that she has found someone to share her life with.
ItIsWritten, your comments on this post are totally bizarre, on multiple levels. They are also distracting from the main questions, as well. The child was disobedient to an adult, with authority, making a reasonable request. She deserved to have her phone taken away. Nothing illegal or criminal took place. You actually sound kind of crazy.
Actually READ the post.
"She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues "
1. She was not in authority. The authority, her father, was present. As was HER GRANDFATHER
2. The authority doesn't feel she have much behavior issues.
No one just gets to decide to be in authority over a child who is not theres. They are put there in place of the absent rightful authority. We call them babysitters, grandparents (to some extent, always, hence the PARENT) Nannies, Teachers, etc
I am tired of people posting things which are not true in this thread to justify some guys low life girlfriend, whose child has issues of her own, trying to get physically violent with a child and stealing her phone. What is bizarre is justifying these as anything except CRIMINAL. Just because someone is 12 yrs old doesn't mean you get to ignore the fathers words saying she doesn't have behavior issues, then get physical with a child overpowering her to steal something THAT DOESN"T BELONG TO YOU.
This is more than a bizarre thread. We do not attack children. Heck even if she WAS in authority there would be something wrong with getting physical with a child over her using what belongs to her anyhow.
People do not justify stealing. It is against the law. We cannot attack children overpowering them stealing their property. Especially when their authority figures TWO mind you, have no issues with the child and DO NOT NEED you stepping into their territory.
No matter how many posts here promote child abuse, it is against the law.
We do not attack children to steal from them, PERIOD. Physically over-power them to steal their property. It is not justifiable, and moreso when we are not their authority figures .... and there are multiple (2) authority figures present. Father and Grandfather.
Father says his daughter has no behavior issues. No reason why a guest should be ordering her boyfriends daughter to stop texting in the first place. She is a GUEST along on a trip with this child, her father, and grandfather. She is not in authority over just any child she chooses to attack and steal from.
People do not let others parent your children, discipline THEM when you have told them that your child is doing nothing wrong. Do not see them again if they steal and/or get physical with your child. Especially when you and your father, grandpa, are already there. Do not get physical with other peoples children because they are texting. Talk to their parents later, even if you are in authority. Do not get physical and overpower and steal from them. Talk to their parents. Calm down.
This thread is evidence of why we have so many broken homes. To boot, this woman already has her own child with issues.
Moderator cut: deleted
Last edited by june 7th; 04-01-2018 at 03:27 PM..
Reason: Referring to mod action is a violation of the TOS.
No matter how many posts here promote child abuse, it is against the law.
We do not attack children to steal from them, PERIOD. Physically over-power them to steal their property. It is not justifiable, and moreso when we are not their authority figures .... and there are multiple (2) authority figures present. Father and Grandfather.
Father says his daughter has no behavior issues. No reason why a guest should be ordering her boyfriends daughter to stop texting in the first place. She is a GUEST along on a trip with this child, her father, and grandfather. She is not in authority over just any child she chooses to attack and steal from.
People do not let others parent your children, discipline THEM when you have told them that your child is doing nothing wrong. Do not see them again if they steal and/or get physical with your child. Especially when you and your father, grandpa, are already there. Do not get physical with other peoples children because they are texting. Talk to their parents later, even if you are in authority. Do not get physical and overpower and steal from them. Talk to their parents. Calm down.
This thread is evidence of why we have so many broken homes. To boot, this woman already has her own child with issues.
\Moderator cut: Orphaned
Your crazy rants are so bizarre! Did stepmommy take away your phone once? There is absolutely NOTHING in the OP’s post that even comes close to inappropriate on her part, let alone child abuse. Jesus Christ! Give it a rest and maybe see a therapist to deal with whatever has you so triggered.
OP, why would you put yourself into the middle of this deliberately?
"But I looooove him" isn't going to hold up long after the wedding if he's as detached at parenting and the daughter is as out of control as you present her.
And WHY would you subject your own daughters to this? Even if you think you've done a great job with them up until now, just wait until they're living in the House of Chaos. And all three coming up on teenage years? Yow!
Do yourself a huge favor: Date this guy if you must but maintain your own home and stay there with your daughters. And don't discipline and manhandle his kid. I don't think you're enough of a miracle worker to fix this situation.
You're out of your lane. Watch out for that bridge abutment that's looming ahead.
Thank you for all your replies and advice. I needed some perspective; I was starting to think I was overreacting, but this doesn't seem the case. My fiance and I have dated 2 1/2 years, but only see each other on the weekend (long distance relationship) and the daughter is with her mother, who let's her stay on the computer/phone 24/7, every other weekend. I talked with him Friday and told him I wanted to get family counseling. He is not on board with that, but it will be a must for me to move forward. Also, electronics will need to be a privilege. Anyway, they came over and she was like a different person. She behaved, she didn't scream, she went to bed when told, she played outside without her phone, and she even loaded the dishwasher!! When I asked him what alternate reality we had entered, he told me he had talked with her about the severity of her behavior. It may not last without work, but we all know she is capable of doing better now.
Thank you for all your replies and advice. I needed some perspective; I was starting to think I was overreacting, but this doesn't seem the case. My fiance and I have dated 2 1/2 years, but only see each other on the weekend (long distance relationship) and the daughter is with her mother, who let's her stay on the computer/phone 24/7, every other weekend. I talked with him Friday and told him I wanted to get family counseling. He is not on board with that, but it will be a must for me to move forward. Also, electronics will need to be a privilege. Anyway, they came over and she was like a different person. She behaved, she didn't scream, she went to bed when told, she played outside without her phone, and she even loaded the dishwasher!! When I asked him what alternate reality we had entered, he told me he had talked with her about the severity of her behavior. It may not last without work, but we all know she is capable of doing better now.
That is very interesting, and I can see where it would give you hope.
But the fact that you are long distance further complicates the situation, as you will have serious transition issues when you do move in together.
I sincerely urge you to reconsider the wedding, for the sake of your own daughters.
Why did he refuse counseling? What was his reason? That is also VERY problematic.
Thank you for all your replies and advice. I needed some perspective; I was starting to think I was overreacting, but this doesn't seem the case. My fiance and I have dated 2 1/2 years, but only see each other on the weekend (long distance relationship) and the daughter is with her mother, who let's her stay on the computer/phone 24/7, every other weekend. I talked with him Friday and told him I wanted to get family counseling. He is not on board with that, but it will be a must for me to move forward. Also, electronics will need to be a privilege. Anyway, they came over and she was like a different person. She behaved, she didn't scream, she went to bed when told, she played outside without her phone, and she even loaded the dishwasher!! When I asked him what alternate reality we had entered, he told me he had talked with her about the severity of her behavior. It may not last without work, but we all know she is capable of doing better now.
Glad to hear you are more grounded. I hope all works out for the best no matter the outcome
Congrats on understanding you need family counseling. I would suggest they do the same but clearly, as you know, you are not family so that is for them to do on their own. You have no involvement in their family.
You are welcome to decide electronics as a privilege in your own household. Goes without saying his family is not yours so you have no rights to butt in making rules for other people's children. Her parents will make those decisions for her. But you know that.
Since your boyfriend talked to his daughter about behavior, hopefully apologizing to her for not defending her against you, you will also take heed to learn from this. You got off very easy. Clearly no man-handling of other peoples children nor deciding when. or if, they use electronics. And absolutely no thieving of any children's property for now on. This includes future boyfriends kids.
When the parent, your boyfriend, orders his own daughter to do something, stay out of it. Sounds like you have a hole to dug out of, but his daughter sounds wonderful. The fact she didn't attack you back when you became physical is commendable. And she's even extending an olive branch to you. How blessed you are! It might be best you notify of her mother of your history of aggression with her child and apologize. Just to head it off.
Yes seek counseling so this man-handling of other peoples children and thieving gets under control and doesn't escalate. We all know that you. as an adult, are capable of doing better now. That is the most important that you be a role model and butt out of bossing her around and involving yourself into their relationship. If you cannot keep your hands to yourself, let your boyfriend know of your struggles so this incident doesn't repeat itself. Clearly you may need many years of therapy and medication. I wish the best for your entire family, please make choices conducive to what is best for everyone.
So glad the daughter is willing to forgive you. What a great girl!!
HappyEaster to you.
Last edited by ItIsWritten.; 04-01-2018 at 02:58 PM..
I would probably walk away from this marriage made in hell.
And her phone? It would have gone AWOL, never to be seen again.
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