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I've been tutoring a middle school-er in core subjects for almost a yr, and his grades are deteriorating.
He lacks the motivation to show effort inside and outside of class. Initially I thought this was due to lack of confidence and genuine confusion, so I would always speak positive affirmations that he was a smart boy and give him loving guidance on how to organize himself and his thoughts. But over time, I've observed that his issue is he has an inflated sense of his own abilities. Somehow he's come to believe that he's "naturally gifted" and "too clever" and doesn't need to put in the work to do well. He believes in his mind he's a naturally smart student and doesn't have to work, and while this may be the case for a very small percentage of kids this is not the case for him. In actuality he has low self-esteem when it comes to school and a problem with focusing.
I tried offering shorter daily tutoring sessions but that seems to wear him out and now he's starting to dread our sessions. The core issue seems to lie with his parents (specifically with his mother). His mom is both enabling and hyper-critical. She compares him to his older sister and counsins who are Straight A- Students, but then gives him so many passes and lets him off easy. For example if he was supposed to stay after school to make up work, she lets him come home and take an F. If he tells her he doesn't feel good he stays home no questions and misses important classwork assignments. Then when his grades come she gets upset with me and his teachers. She doesn't seem to understand that his issue is not his instructors, but how they're raising him to see himself. He has no responsibilities, gets off easily, and is babied in his life, therefore he carries this attitude with him to school. This is out of bounds for a teacher or tutor- and I personally don't feel comfortable explaining to her the real problem because Im not a family counselor by any means.
I'm not sure how much help I can be at this point. I don't want the family to waste any more money, and I also don't want to feel the entire weight of responsibility on my shoulders for the success of their son's academic life. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to their wallets.
You may "feel uncomfortable explaining to her the real problem" but if you want this kid to improve I don't see how you have any choice. But do it gently in a way that suggest these changes -- not comparing him/her with other relatives, not letting him use fake illnesses to cut school, and anything else relevant -- are for the good of the student and are not a deep criticism of the mother.
In the meantime emphasize to the student in as strong a manner as possible that nobody cares how smart you are if you don't work hard. I'd be blunt and let him know that "smart but lazy" will get you nowhere. Your own style might be more gentle. If things don't work better in a couple of weeks, let it go.
I think you're putting too much effort into analyzing his family. If you've reached the point where tutoring him isn't helping him improve, then give the family some notice that they bed to find a new tutor, and move on.
The parents aren't paying you to psychoanalyze them. Your reasoning for why the student is struggling may be spot on though.
Consider tackling the problem by saying that you don't think you can tutor him any further. And if they ask why, you have an opening to explain that the student needs their support and discipline. They likely won't like it, but what do you have to lose at this point? If there is nothing more you can do to tutor the student then you are already thinking of dismissing them as a client. Why not have a chance at a net positive effect?
At this age, tangible rewards work well as motivators. Meaning, he gets a reward for working hard in a tutoring session, gets a reward for getting a good grade on every quiz, test, assignment, etc. Once he's consistently performing, can move to a point system with him cashing the points in for a reward. If he's spoiled rotten with parents buying him anything he wants, then it won't work.
Could it be that the kid has ADD, and would benefit from medication?
Could it be that he has a low IQ, and the parents' expectations are unreasonable? The school district will do psych testing to see if he has specific deficits. Nothing like finding out that the kid has low scores on particular subsections to explain why he's having such a hard time in school.
How badly do you need the money? Do you think he'd respond better to anyone else?
Sounds like you're discouraged, working with this lazy kid. If you don't need the money, you don't have to continue.
I'm not sure how much help I can be at this point. I don't want the family to waste any more money, and I also don't want to feel the entire weight of responsibility on my shoulders for the success of their son's academic life. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to their wallets.
OP, your effort is doomed. So, when you quit, you should calmly explain to the mother why you're quitting. Try to be as diplomatic as possible, but be truthful. Keep it short; don't go into a long explanation, or you'll lose her. Hit the main points, thank her for letting you give her son a chance, then leave.
You may be her only chance for a reality check. Even if she gets angry or dismisses your statements, your points may sink in eventually. You've got nothing to lose, and it may be the kid's only chance for a parental adjustment. I wonder if family counseling would be helpful, or maybe you could suggest parenting workshops. No, maybe not. Bu tell her you're concerned for her son, and why.
Good luck, OP. Actually, I see dspguy, above, suggests a good approach.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-26-2018 at 10:17 PM..
Actually, I see dspguy, above, suggests a good approach.
That's funny, I was going to praise your approach and guide the OP to listen to you
Lots of good advice here. Personally, I think the following point should definitely be included since the wording is key:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
thank her for letting you give her son a chance, then leave.
It might be a touch passive aggressive, but I think that honesty is key. You have given her son a chance, but he needs help outside of what you can provide.
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