adult daughter moved back--I'm annoyed (weight, wife, appropriate, son)

[gouligann]

Marylee, it sounds like you are a wonderful mother to your daughter. You are also an animal lover and that's a big plus in my books too.

I think the last thing you want is to have a blow up with your daughter over a bunch of trivial things that will add up to a LOT of discontent between you and your daughter.

I think you and she (and your spouse?) should sit down when you both have time and go over a few things that you expect her to do if she's going to live with you. Write them down on a list and ask her if the list sounds reasonable. If some of the points aren't agreed upon, then compromise with something else but don't lecture, don't give up, and don't blow up.


I agree with the others about not having to clean the bathroom every day. As long as SHE does it twice weekly, if you want to do it on the other days, that's your cup of tea.

As for the dog, YOU take care of it or it could die in the sun or of dehydration. The dog is an innocent in this. I know you like the little guy/girl, and probably will end up keeping it (by the sounds of your last post), so start house training it and take it to get its shots.

Good luck.

[germaine2626]

To show you the difference in people. We asked out adult daughter to move home to help with caregiving her disabled father/my husband. Even though she worked full time and helped with caregiving at least 10 to 12 hours a week, she did ALL of the cleaning of the entire house, did ALL of the laundry for the entire family, did ALL of the grocery shopping and did most of the cooking.

Perhaps the difference is that she was in her late twenties at the time.

Your daughter needs to do at least her share of the household chores, all of her own bedroom & bathroom cleaning plus pay rent and utilities to you. If she can not care for her dog she needs to pay someone to care for it or find it a new home.

[AndCatsForAll]

Originally Posted by ContraPagan

But it IS the OP's house, so it should be the OP's rules. When the daughter has her own place and is paying her own bills with money she earned, THEN she can have a say in house rules. But until then, if she wants the OP to put the roof over her head, than she is going to have to deal with not being the queen of the castle.

My father said that to me for as long as I can remember, long before I turned 18, and that made it easier when I did have to move back home 3 years ago for a short time, because there was a clear understanding of who's word was actually the law in that household, and it wasn't mine! My parents are still my elders even if was 40 when I moved back in with them.

It just doesn't work this way unfortunately. Unless kids have always lived accepting that this is "my house and my rules" it falls completely flat if they return.

It's only been two weeks. The daughter's level of cleaning etc might still be affected from the breakup and the move. It sounds like she felt the change was a big deal (remember how things felt like "big deals" when we were younger) yeah it could make her care less about wiping up sink water for a little bit. For some young women just keeping themselves clean, maintaining work ethic etc takes up all the effort. At that age a break up can feel overwhelming. It can be a full-blown identity crisis going from child to being a sig-other to being single and back home. That's not easy so cut her some slack.

To OP- just let her personal space be her personal space. If she's just dirty- not cleaning to your standards you can have someone come in and do a deep cleaning when she moves out (you can even charge her for it) but you have zero control over her own cleaning ethic. If you've allowed her to have a bedroom and a bathroom as a private space you need to allow it to be fully private- with the exception of fundamentally damaging issues like water leaks in which case you'd have to intervene (because your girl is not an experienced homeowner). She's either a neat-freak or not. But, that said- you should absolutely not be cleaning for her. You are not her maid. Just make sure she doesn't have leaking water or bad smells coming from her room. Anything else is just difference in priority. You might be thinking cleaning is high importance she might be thinking that she needs to reconnect with friends or find an identity as a newly single young woman. It's a big change being so young and in a serious relationship and then going back to mom to start over. I think that takes bravery and so many young women probably stay in less than ideal relationships that are doomed just to avoid eating crow and losing independence if they move back home.

You've done the right thing by giving her a safe haven. Give her a few more weeks to adjust and let all the little stuff go. Handle this right and she'll be calling you "her rock" for the rest of her/ your life.

With all that said I will share that I moved back in with my mom under different circumstances. Like your daughter I purchased, prepared and ate mostly my own meals but I started out cooking a few family meals a week (on my own dime) and then that turned into cooking most meals but sharing expense. I paid for any excess in utility bills- so if the electric bill was X amount more for a period than it was compared to last year I paid the difference. But all of this stuff was not discussed as a move in condition. It wasn't broached until I had settled- probably 6-8 weeks after I moved back and being settled I was happy to work with my mom and step-dad as I was over the whole "I've left the nest but crashed mindset". This allowed me to save money to become more independent while still feeling like I was contributing and genuinely paying for it- though at reduced rates compared to if I were to go rent as a single person.

The dog is an issue. If you aren't nagging her or being passive aggressive about cleaning issues you can and should bring up your concerns about the dog. If you are constantly commenting about the state of her bathroom then nagging about the dog is not going to have a positive effect. Stop commenting about the little things immediately and then work out an agreement with her- figure out how much you are willing to do for the animal on a daily basis but don't take on full responsibility. If this was a dog her and her guy used to share responsibility for then it might very well be less than ideal for her to have the animal but an absolute disaster for the dog if it was left with the guy. The dog might be better being rehomed but also it could just be that she needs some temporary (very) short-term help before she is a fully responsible and loving caregiver to the dog.

You can feed, water and play with the dog as a supplement to what care she gives but ultimately she has to step up soon. The dog needs to be sterilized for it's own mental health and physical health (avoiding cancer etc) so regardless of price- work something out with her and make sure the dog gets fixed asap- not in a month when the cashflow is right for her or when the next low cost spay/ neuter program is available. Just get her to do it. Those cheap programs for spay neuter are useful but frequently not as good as the care given by a regular vet (they use different anestesia, prescribe painkillers for aftercare etc) so don't quibble over what is affordable. Just push her to get it done. Time is a factor- just ask anyone who works with animals. The longer an animal goes unfixed the more likely they are to make habit out of negative behaviors that are fully due to being intact. For cats this can mean they become nuisances that get turned over to shelters for dogs this frequently means they get put down. I'm sure your girl doesn't want to see her dog put down.

If you have to push her to tidy up the bathroom or fix the dog- the battle you should pick is to fix the dog. Approach it as genuine concern. Let the whole cleaning issue go for another day.

[MaryleeII]

Seems like this is turning into a discussion about the dog!


She is quickly becoming a management problem. We have a backyard, and she spends most of her time there, but that won't do when the weather gets hot, which is any day now! The heat in Texas during the summer can be brutal!


She barks a lot, and I'm concerned neighbors will complain, although there are other barking dogs in the area. Seems they all like to have a doggie coffee clatch! I brought her in to stop the barking, which did seem to settle the others down. However, she started chasing my elderly, blind cat around! Then, she piddled on the floor I finally put her back outside, after some food, water, cooling off and some attention.


I truly don't know much about dogs--although I'm learning! I feel at her age -- 4 months -- she needs more attention or she will develop negative traits that will continue throughout adulthood, when she is more difficult to manage.


Meanwhile, DD does work, often long hours and comes home exhausted. She should have thought of that before taking on the responsibility of a pet. I can't become the main dog caretaker. Like I said, I'm disabled, and have both mobility and balance issues. The dog nearly tripped me several times. Also, I can't have an animal piddle on the floor. We recently paid $15,000 for hardwood floors, and new carpet. We wouldn't have done that if we had small children or a dog, but this is our retirement home, we wanted to make it the way we want it!


We have a small workshop/shed with electricity. We could install a window AC for the dog during the heat, but still, she would lack the interaction she craves. It would be like a jail cell with AC Much as I hate to do it, I really think the dog needs to be re-homed. Its the only realistic option, for all concerned.

[nuala]

Originally Posted by MaryleeII

Also, past hurts and resentments are re-surfacing. I guess I just came here to vent,

Given the long and arduous history with your daughter that is still not resolved, the real problem is your relationship with your daughter, the acceptance/not acceptance that the two of you are dancing around.

Have you ever been to a psychologist/therapist, just you, to talk about your feelings towards your daughter, and getting help in understanding/managing the relationship? Remembering back, it would have been the best thing for you starting from when she was 13-14-15, when your troubles with her started.

Whatever was unresolved then, resurfaces now. Basically, you have never gotten any psychological help. Why don't you find a therapist? Instead of incessantly cleaning bathrooms and looking for an ersatz therapy here on forum?

[MaryleeII]

Originally Posted by nuala

Given the long and arduous history with your daughter that is still not resolved, the real problem is your relationship with your daughter, the acceptance/not acceptance that the two of you are dancing around.

Have you ever been to a psychologist/therapist, just you, to talk about your feelings towards your daughter, and getting help in understanding/managing the relationship? Remembering back, it would have been the best thing for you starting from when she was 13-14-15, when your troubles with her started.

Whatever was unresolved then, resurfaces now. Basically, you have never gotten any psychological help. Why don't you find a therapist? Instead of incessantly cleaning bathrooms and looking for an ersatz therapy here on forum?

You don't know the whole story, so don't act like you do. For your information, it seemed we did nothing but run to counseling, which drained our time, money, and other resources.


Look, I didn't come here to be chastised for past issues and be told to "get counseling". If you don't have something constructive to say, then please stay out of this issue!

[ContraPagan]

Originally Posted by DubbleT

Yeah, I knew I'd get heat for that. Step back and pretend it's anyone other than your child, would you still approach it that way? The child is there, in my world she's be paying some sort of rent or doing other things to pay her way, but that is between OP and her daughter.
BUT if, big if, the OP wants a relatively stress-less, peaceful coexistence with her grown daughter she's better off not to take a heavy handed approach and treat her more like a roommate or tenant. In other words treat her with the same respect she'd like shown to herself, and work towards a solution together. Nobody likes being given ultimatums and it will only increase the strife, don't think that's really what the OP is after.

Yeah, and being a roommate or a tenant means you take care of the property in which you live. As in taking out your trash, keeping the place clean and not expecting the people you live with or your landlord to be your damn maids like the OP's daughter is doing.

Sorry, but the whole "be my child's best friend" concept did not exist in my parents' house when I was growing up. It's an alien concept; I was raised without it, and my brother is raising his two sons the same way. The adults who are paying to maintain the household(mortgage, taxes, utilities, repairs, etc.) are the people who get to make the rules. You want to live there after 18, you need to either be working or in school (both in my case as I got into my 20's), and you still need to step down and avoid power struggles with the people whose names are on the deed to the place. My dad and I get along better as I've gotten older and seen where the "best friends" concept has gotten my own peers who have tried it with their kids. And we did not have the easiest relationship all the time when I was younger but I, unlike a lot of kids, was smart enough to know when I had pushed as far as I dare to.

[Macrina]

Merrylee, I'm wondering if you and DD have had conversations about the puppy? Does DD know and understand about your physical issues and the danger of your falling, etc? Your well-being and safety should be a paramount consideration, and since your daughter isn't even around to see or understand the puppy mayhem, she needs to hear about it from you. IMHO, of course.

I do think the puppy problem is the first one with which to deal.

The other issues are really important, because it seems you are needing for forge a whole new relationship with DD, on a woman-to-woman basis, melding in with the mother-daughter part. Of course she'll always be your daughter and you love her, it's just the day to day part of living together for this period of time which perhaps needs clarifying and bolstering.

.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

If you truly want to help your daughter, then find a good counselor and you and your husband go talk this over with her/him.

Venting here may help you bring a few things into focus, but the bottom line is that your daughter decided some time ago that she didn't need or want any more parenting from you guys and so she left.

She's had a setback. It happens. Now she and pup are back for a free place to live.

That's all she wants now is a free place to crash. She doesn't want parenting. She doesn't want nagging about how she should be more responsible about her dog, her cleaning habits, going back to school, ... nada.

She wants a free place to live.

What do you guys want?

So before you have a blowup and say things you'll regret, talk things over with a counselor and decide what you want and how to say it gently and with love.

If what you want is your home back, sans puppy peeing on the new carpet and daughter leaving the bathroom filthy, that is perfectly reasonable. Figure out with the counselor how to use I statements in telling her that you love her and always will, but this isn't working out for you. You're tired of nagging and don't want to do it any more. Perhaps offer to help her look for a place to live and help with fixing it up. Decide together on a reasonable move out date. Perhaps June 1st. Help her decide what to do with her puppy.

If what you want is for her to go back to school so she can have a career that won't require such long hours for her to be self supporting, ask her if that's what she wants. If so, how can you support her with this endeavor. Don't cosign loans or give her money. She's an adult now.

But perhaps she needs some help making apps. at a college career center to explore a career that would be a good fit.

If she registers for classes, maybe she needs a computer. Perhaps that could be an early Christmas/Birthday present.

If she wants to continue living at home, and you are fine with that while she is going to school, figure out how that can work out.

Perhaps she pays for a cleaning lady to come in once a week and do her share of the cleaning.

But talk it over with a professional who can help you hone in on what you want and need first. It will be money well spent.

Then, gently and with love, wean her away from this teenage role you both seem stuck in.

Good luck.

[Book Lover 21]

My older son did not want to do any housework when he moved back home. He works on his feet all day and comes home exhausted. So, he pays his teen brother to do his share. He transfers $100 a month to his account and everybody is happy.