How to Parent like the Japanese Do. (teenage, appropriate, chores)

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by CarnivalGal

I am a parent and a teacher. I think there is a happy medium. I don't advocate leaving young kids alone, for example. However, as a teacher, over the years I have seen a huge upswing in parents coddling and doing everything for their kids. Everything from zipping their coats, tying their shoes, opening lunch containers, etc. Most really young kids - like preschoolers - are more than capable of doing most of these things on their own.

Not only are they capable, this is exactly the stuff that they have a blast learning! My preschool aged kids (daycare) LOVED putting on their own snow pants, putting on their jackets with what we called The Flip... They were so blipping proud of themselves. Lots of people get frustrated that it is time consuming. I always thought of it as time well consumed learning important motor skills! We did not have lunch containers. But the kids loved the meal and snack prep and clean up. ...

Of course, it takes some practice. But if a parent sees little Billy struggle to open a bag of pretzels, they swoop right in and do it for them rather than just give them an extra minute to do it themselves. If they really can't do it, SHOW them how to, don't just do it for them.

I had a child in my class who was five. He could not open a backpack to save his life. He couldn't zip his own pants. He would just stand there and cry until someone did it for him. And when I saw his mom in action, I completely understood why. She did EVERYTHING for him. If there was any struggle, she would run in and take care of it rather than allow him the chance to solve the problem or help him work through it. As a result, he was very poorly equipped to handle even the slightest of inconveniences. When I mentioned it to her in a conference, she said that he was her only child, and he was only little once. So she basically wanted him to be "her baby" for as long as possible. Three years later, and he's still struggling in school with basic skills that most kids mastered years ago (he's going into 2nd grade and was red-shirted for Kindergarten).

This is sad on a lot of levels, not just school readiness. But the FEELING of capability of this poor kid was clearly lacking. That is the saddest thing of all. What other message can he take away but that he is not good enough to do it on his own? I would have wanted to smack this Mom in conference.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by CarnivalGal

I am a parent and a teacher. I think there is a happy medium. I don't advocate leaving young kids alone, for example. However, as a teacher, over the years I have seen a huge upswing in parents coddling and doing everything for their kids. Everything from zipping their coats, tying their shoes, opening lunch containers, etc. Most really young kids - like preschoolers - are more than capable of doing most of these things on their own. Of course, it takes some practice. But if a parent sees little Billy struggle to open a bag of pretzels, they swoop right in and do it for them rather than just give them an extra minute to do it themselves. If they really can't do it, SHOW them how to, don't just do it for them.

I had a child in my class who was five. He could not open a backpack to save his life. He couldn't zip his own pants. He would just stand there and cry until someone did it for him. And when I saw his mom in action, I completely understood why. She did EVERYTHING for him. If there was any struggle, she would run in and take care of it rather than allow him the chance to solve the problem or help him work through it. As a result, he was very poorly equipped to handle even the slightest of inconveniences. When I mentioned it to her in a conference, she said that he was her only child, and he was only little once. So she basically wanted him to be "her baby" for as long as possible. Three years later, and he's still struggling in school with basic skills that most kids mastered years ago (he's going into 2nd grade and was red-shirted for Kindergarten).

These are just some examples. But while I think the culture in Japan is very different and allows for certain things that just wouldn't be safe in the US, there are plenty of things that parents can do to foster independence, and they just don't do it.

and there you have a reason why some in our culture are declining in problem solving...I don't believe parents realize, the negative results that come from coddling their kids way to much...what a shame, and paints a whole new picture on why kids are acting the way they are...the meltdowns, frustrations, acting out....

I agree, with teaching kids independence along with how to problem solve.

I volunteered years ago with handicapped kids, and found out, that they were able to learn, it just took patience and allowing them to be independent....sometimes the parents handicapped their own kids.

[Ginge McFantaPants]

So, evidently we Americans are all parenting in the same equally $hitty manner, while the Japanese are all equally superior. A few months ago it was supposed to be French parents we were to emulate, and Danish a few months prior to that.

[cremebrulee]

Somebodynew I am always mildly annoyed at the frequent reference to what our society is making ... kids, us, everyone do. We are, each of us, our society. That we have some dopes in that group is the case whether we are Japanese or from Mars.

I hear teachers and coaches complain all the time, as well as my age group...????

I think those things are good but stop short of the ultimate destination. Those life skills you are talking about are good examples of how to think, how to solve problems and how to live. I am blown away when I hear 30 year old supposed grown ups say that they don't cook because their parents never taught them. If you don't want to cook, that is great. There are tons of options for not cooking. But being stopped in time because Mom and Dad did not teach you is so limiting!

I was the only one who cooked and loved cooking, in my foster family. My mom never taught my two sisters or brother how to cook....however, they all learned?

Rules are really a stepping stone to judgement and self-discipline IMO. Rules come from authority. Judgement is ultimately necessary when kids grow into adulthood since they become the arbiter of the rules in a properly run democracy. Rules in someone else' space comes with the understanding of responsibility and freedom. The people who are responsible for something (like their household) have the right to the freedom to choose that thing.

Well, yes, you would think so, but here is an example. My DIL was taking riding lessons....she took her daughter along. They were in a ring and the instructor told my grand-daughter not to climb on the fence. Well, she did anyway and the instructor yelled at my grand-daughter, (her house, her rules for a reason) and my DIL took great offense, stormed out and never returned, which taught my grand-daughter nothing.

Hovering is clearly bad. I fear the opposite, failing to scaffold understanding, genuine self worth and self esteem... When we collectively decided corporal punishment was bad (a good thing) most people did not understand what to replace it with. I, personally, think that is a large part of the competence gap and hovering stuff we see.

this is where my son and I disagree. My Grand-daughter is going to be 16 years old...she is diabetic....every time we go somewhere, and I mean every time, my son, constantly says, "do you have your checker". and she goes, "oh, no" and goes and gets it??????? Boy that urks me...she has no sense of responsibility...and yet, she is bright, very polite and kind hearted....a good kid, but in no way ready to drive a car. And I dare not say a word.

Attention. A good deal of the hovering seeks to control behavior not any kind of meaningful connection. Many kids through teens are starved for meaningful connection.

It also cripples their growth.

[cremebrulee]

something else that really bothers me.....a for instance...
I spend my money on my son and grand daughter, and DIL when they were married. My son always called me and thanked me for whatever....my grand daughter and DIL, never...they would text me.

When someone takes their hard earned money and decided to give you a gift, the least that recipient can do, is take the time to call and say thank you and have a little catch up session.

My foster mom was a real stickler for that, she'd say, "it doesn't matter if it's a dollar or five dollars, always go and thank them in person or call them up and thank them...never ever ignore doing so...

I think that is a very good structure to teach them....

Not a text that says, thank you for my gift?

Sheeesh....maybe I should stop? I'm very generous, maybe I should just send a small amount to her...?

[ddm2k]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I believe the same way you do, and also with my Asian friends...our society is making our kids way too weak and unable to cope with real life.

Our children need to be taught manners, as well as self discipline, and how to be independent & responsible.

I taught my son, how to clean, shop, do laundry, iron, cook, etc. He also got a job when he was young, and we taught him how to save and manage money, how to live on a budget....and how to be at home alone...how to understand, that their are other rules in different households and while in someone else's home, you must adhere to those rules. How to be responsible enough to recognize, when someone gives you a gift you take the time, yourself to call and thank them, not text them, but call them.

Our society has become one of pampering kids...to the point of when they do get out on their own, they don't know how to deal with life....and life isn't easy...so by never allowing your child to lose, to fail, they won't learn to deal with disappointments, and when they don't get their way, they will act out, dangerously sometimes, as your seeing happen today right before your eyes.

I'm thankful your awareness allows you to view this and want to make a change....Kudos.

I think our society needs to step back and make some necessary changes. Especially those who think and believe a parent has to be hovering over their children 24/7.

I just watched a boy, who actually did the boiling water challenge on TV...he burnt himself horribly, and I just cannot conceive of anyone doing that to themselves....my gosh, what is wrong with kids, eating Tide Pods, pouring boiling water on themselves...? If someone is constantly doing your thinking for you, how will you ever be able to discern or be aware yourself.

I see grown teenager's parents at work thinking actually believing that they have to take off work and be home with their 14 year old kid, b/c he stayed home from school and doesn't feel well????? Are you kidding me. If you can't trust your child at 14 years of age, to be home alone, something is wrong, not to mention, how will he ever learn those skills? To be trusted to do the right thing? Make the proper decisions?

Of course you can't be Japanese, but you can be a concerned responsible parent, which means, teaching independence, awareness and discernment.

Well, then America needs to stop raising latchkey kids who are raised by their friends.

[DKM]

Not to be mean, but the Japanese have the smallest families in the world. We don't really want to emulate their child rearing if it results in that. I would look at how Japanese raise children successfully if I only had one kid.

[2mares]

Originally Posted by DKM

Not to be mean, but the Japanese have the smallest families in the world. We don't really want to emulate their child rearing if it results in that. I would look at how Japanese raise children successfully if I only had one kid.

Good point. Raising an only child and raising a litter presents different obstacles and issues.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

Well, yes, you would think so, but here is an example. My DIL was taking riding lessons....she took her daughter along. They were in a ring and the instructor told my grand-daughter not to climb on the fence. Well, she did anyway and the instructor yelled at my grand-daughter, (her house, her rules for a reason) and my DIL took great offense, stormed out and never returned, which taught my grand-daughter nothing.

IMO that illustrates my point quite well actually. This kid lacks judgement by being unable to think to herself gee someone told me not to climb on the fence. I wonder why? Perhaps it is unsafe?... Either way, you and I would agree that DIL did not help matters regardless of the underlying lesson.

this is where my son and I disagree. My Grand-daughter is going to be 16 years old...she is diabetic....every time we go somewhere, and I mean every time, my son, constantly says, "do you have your checker". and she goes, "oh, no" and goes and gets it??????? Boy that urks me...she has no sense of responsibility...and yet, she is bright, very polite and kind hearted....a good kid, but in no way ready to drive a car. And I dare not say a word.

I am not sure what you are suggesting? If you were able to hit her, somehow she would be more responsible and remember her stuff? That makes no sense.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

something else that really bothers me.....a for instance...
I spend my money on my son and grand daughter, and DIL when they were married. My son always called me and thanked me for whatever....my grand daughter and DIL, never...they would text me.

When someone takes their hard earned money and decided to give you a gift, the least that recipient can do, is take the time to call and say thank you and have a little catch up session.

My foster mom was a real stickler for that, she'd say, "it doesn't matter if it's a dollar or five dollars, always go and thank them in person or call them up and thank them...never ever ignore doing so...

I think that is a very good structure to teach them....

Not a text that says, thank you for my gift?

Sheeesh....maybe I should stop? I'm very generous, maybe I should just send a small amount to her...?

There is no one etiquette for the mechanism delivering a thank you. They said thank you. Used to be a card in the mail. Then it was a call. Not a deal AFAIC. ymmv, clearly.