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Until this summer, we lived half an hour away from my parents and about five hours away from my ILs. I didn’t even want my own parents pestering us with visits so I would make suggestions "DD and DS are interested in trains. It would be fun to take them to the train museum." or "It’s going to be such beautiful weather this week. Why don’t you take them to the zoo and the pumpkin patch." You don’t need to tell everyone everything.
I knew my MIL really wanted to spend more time with my children but couldn’t because of the distance. I didn’t want her to get jealous or feel guilty so I tried to avoid my parents from being around all of the time.
Now my children are older and we are about 9 and 12 hours away respectively. We have visited both sets of grandparents this summer, and each will be visiting this fall. We will go to one set's house for Thanksgiving, and the others for Christmas.
The previous poster wrote,
"I knew my MIL really wanted to spend more time with my children but couldn’t because of the distance. I didn’t want her to get jealous or feel guilty so I tried to avoid my parents from being around all of the time."
I have a slightly different perspective. My grandchildren live 2,000 miles from me and my DIL's parents live about 15 to 20 minutes from their house. Needless to say I see my grandchildren much, much less than I would like to see them (once or twice a year) and they see the other grandparents very often (at least once or twice a week, often three times). I am actually happy that my grandchildren get to see one set of grandparents often, even though it isn't me that they are seeing.
However, there are two or three things that do bug me. I would rather not hear the complete run down of what my grandchildren do with the other grandparents. "Well, on Saturday all of us went to the zoo. And, on Sunday we had a cookout at Grandma & Grandpa's house". I'm happy that they see the other grandparents, but please don't "rub it in". Also, even though, I only visit once a year, please have at least one photo up of me & the grandkids, instead of the dozens of photographs of them with other grandparents (well, I guess that it really isn't dozens of photographs, but it seemed like that to me).
Also, when I come to visit for my one week once a year please don't have the other grandparents always join us for special activities. I get to spend time with my grandchildren so rarely, that I would rather not have to share it. Luckily, my son and DIL are pretty good about both things.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-23-2018 at 03:07 PM..
OP, because you say you are usually more passive, I am going to second Birdie Bell's advice and tell you something a good friend told me 15 years ago:
"Stand up and be your child's mother."
YOU and only YOU are your child's mother. Start acting like it.
After the 2nd time with the mommy and me music class, you needed to end it. If you don't do or say something, you are giving your approval. I can see after the first time you would have been so shocked that you didn't know what to do. After the 2nd time, you needed to come up with a response.
This is only one of many battles you will fight on your child's behalf.
Also I sense some guilt that you are a working mother; perhaps this is the reason you are so determined not to miss out on the "firsts"?
Good points. I agree with the comments about the Mommy and me class. The first time that MIL showed up you were probably too shocked to do anything. The next time you should have not allowed your MIL to take your child away from you. You said have said, something like, "Now that you are here, it is OK if you watch or take a few photographs, but this is a special time for Baby and me to have fun together."
I just want to say that it isn't unusual for you to tell people about the classes your taking with your baby or the place you are going. That's totally normal! It's not normal for someone to be so overbearing and nutty that you have to hide that. I think the suggestion to decide what can be grandma things is a good one to try. You'll know pretty quickly if this is something she can respect or if she's the type of person that will take the child for their first haircut while you're at work.
If your MIL can respect what you do and don't want her to be part of, I think this will calm down quickly. The classes are so great at first, but even those start to wear on you. and, imo, there is nothing worse than enduring a swim lesson. In time you might want to let her go to a class or to in your place (again, ONLY if she's respecting your boundaries) while you and your husband go for coffee instead. I used to take a baby music class with our son on a weekday by myself. We did a Saturday class once so my husband could go and the room was absolutely packed with people. There were AT LEAST 4 adults per baby. Some even had 2 full sets of grandparents present in addition to the parents. All I could think was, "Why are the parents here? If there was ANYONE ELSE willing to come to this class I'd be out on a breakfast date."
Stop telling her stuff. Don't tell her about mommy and me classes. Don't tell her about the pumpkin patch. Don't let her take your child out without you. Every so often, let her have something. Let he have just enough so she doesn't feel like you are purposely leaving her out, but don't let her have your firsts.
I just want to say that it isn't unusual for you to tell people about the classes your taking with your baby or the place you are going. That's totally normal! It's not normal for someone to be so overbearing and nutty that you have to hide that.
I was a child whose grandparents were a big part of my life. You parents who are jealous of the time your children spend with their grandparents, assuming they are normal, loving people, are robbing your children. Shame on you.
I just want to say that it isn't unusual for you to tell people about the classes your taking with your baby or the place you are going. That's totally normal! It's not normal for someone to be so overbearing and nutty that you have to hide that. I think the suggestion to decide what can be grandma things is a good one to try. You'll know pretty quickly if this is something she can respect or if she's the type of person that will take the child for their first haircut while you're at work.
If your MIL can respect what you do and don't want her to be part of, I think this will calm down quickly. (snip)
It is interesting that you mentioned "getting the first hair cut". I have read a few people on CD complain that the grandparents did just that, as well as other things like pierce the granddaughter's ears or gave the breast fed baby formula or started them on solid food. All of which are clearly very important "firsts" that are strictly the parents decision.
I was a child whose grandparents were a big part of my life. You parents who are jealous of the time your children spend with their grandparents, assuming they are normal, loving people, are robbing your children. Shame on you.
This is extremely unfair to the OP. She has stated numerous times that she has no desire to hurt her MIL's feelings or exclude her. Shame on YOU for making such an accusation.
I completely sympathize with OP. My MIL overstepped very frequently when my children were small,
even insisting that my daughter be named after her (completely ignoring my own mother) and made a scene about it at my daughter's christening. One time we ran into a friend of my MIL's and the friend said regarding my son, "where did he get those blue eyes?" My MIL said, "I have no idea". My son's eyes are exactly the color of my own and I was standing right there.
Any specific account sounds silly, but when it adds up to to a pattern of the parent being ignored, it MUST be stopped. Unless you have in-laws like this, you cannot imagine how awful it is.
I was a child whose grandparents were a big part of my life. You parents who are jealous of the time your children spend with their grandparents, assuming they are normal, loving people, are robbing your children. Shame on you.
This is out of line.
You're projecting your feelings, which no doubt are based on rose-colored memories, about your own situation onto the OP's, which as described is not normal and loving. The grandmother here is being self-centered.
I was a child whose grandparents were a big part of my life. You parents who are jealous of the time your children spend with their grandparents, assuming they are normal, loving people, are robbing your children. Shame on you.
No, shame on you, for your comments. You are looking at the situation from the point of view of a child. You have no idea about the "nitty gritty" details of the situation that the grandparents had with your parents. Maybe it was great and maybe your paternal grandparents caused perpetual heartache and unhappiness for your mother (or your maternal grandparents caused ongoing strife and anxiety for your father).
Also, you are looking at the historical version, perhaps 20 or 30 years in the past. Probably everything was not "rainbows and unicorns" when you were a child, but you are not remembering those parts just the "baking cookies" and "birthday gifts" and other happy memories.
Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
This is extremely unfair to the OP. She has stated numerous times that she has no desire to hurt her MIL's feelings or exclude her. Shame on YOU for making such an accusation.
I completely sympathize with OP. My MIL overstepped very frequently when my children were small,
even insisting that my daughter be named after her (completely ignoring my own mother) and made a scene about it at my daughter's christening. One time we ran into a friend of my MIL's and the friend said regarding my son, "where did he get those blue eyes?" My MIL said, "I have no idea". My son's eyes are exactly the color of my own and I was standing right there.
Any specific account sounds silly, but when it adds up to to a pattern of the parent being ignored, it MUST be stopped. Unless you have in-laws like this, you cannot imagine how awful it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
This is out of line.
You're projecting your feelings, which no doubt are based on rose-colored memories, about your own situation onto the OP's, which as described is not normal and loving. The grandmother here is being self-centered..
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