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Yes, depending on what part of the country you are living. If you living in the more crowded and expensive areas, it is not realistic to think that a 19 year old can afford the average apartment. Here in New York, the only kids that are no longer living at home are either at college or in the military. Almost every other kid that age I know of is still at home, they simply cannot afford to move out by themselves even if they wanted to.
The big change for many kids, and many adults as well, is the changed job market in the USA. Many of the old blue collar jobs where you can walk in off the street without an education and immediately get a living wage and good benefits are gone.
I went through this thread and almost every poster had interesting comments to add. But I got the impression that some of the posters came of age in the 1950s or 1960s. Or they live in cheaper parts of the country. Oh sure it is easy to say "move out 19 year old kid", when the rent is only $200 or $300 a month but try that in areas where the average rent is $2400 a month. Times have changed.
I live in one of the most expensive areas in the entire country. My son and some of his friends got together and rented a house out in the suburbs so they could afford to move out of their parent's homes. Best thing he ever did. He works a ****ty job as a security guard, working nights for decent pay that he worked his way up to. He goes to college during the day for industrial biotechnology, which he pays for by himself for the most part with a bit of assistance from me. No student loans. He was a fairly poor student in high school but now really works hard at school since he doesn't want to be a security guard forever. He got self-motivated and grew up.
Never would have happened if he stayed living with me, and we both knew it. I didn't kick him out. We mutually decided that moving out was the best thing for him. But I would have kicked him out if he had ever disrespected me like this kid does his mother.
Ditto for the other guys he moved in with.
For the most part, people can figure it out if they want to bad enough. It was true then and it's still true.
Isn't his mom giving him 30 days and having the sheriff serve him? That's generally how it's done.
According to her OP she did give him a 3-day "pay-or-quit," which is usually the correct first step. However, she then said she typed up her own 30-day notice and had it served by someone at the sheriff's office where she works. Typically, you can't just type up your own 30-day notice; you have to actually begin eviction proceedings in the court system and go from there. If you don't do everything correctly step-by-step, you usually have to start over with the whole process.
Of course, OP looks like a drive-by poster, anyway.
Yes, depending on what part of the country you are living. If you living in the more crowded and expensive areas, it is not realistic to think that a 19 year old can afford the average apartment. Here in New York, the only kids that are no longer living at home are either at college or in the military. Almost every other kid that age I know of is still at home, they simply cannot afford to move out by themselves even if they wanted to.
The big change for many kids, and many adults as well, is the changed job market in the USA. Many of the old blue collar jobs where you can walk in off the street without an education and immediately get a living wage and good benefits are gone.
I went through this thread and almost every poster had interesting comments to add. But I got the impression that some of the posters came of age in the 1950s or 1960s. Or they live in cheaper parts of the country. Oh sure it is easy to say "move out 19 year old kid", when the rent is only $200 or $300 a month but try that in areas where the average rent is $2400 a month. Times have changed.
In the OP, she said that her son’s take home pay is more than what she takes home. No one is coming from the ‘50s or ‘60s, they are coming from the first post where she said she is renting and she raised the rent for him when her own rent went up. Clearly if she is able to afford rent, then her son should be able to afford rent on a place that is likely much smaller than where they are living now.
As for the logistics of actually evicting him, that is something else entirely since I would imagine that the landlord still has him as an occupant on the lease and not a lessee.
The "logic" of kicking a confused and directionless young man out on the streets escapes me. What good could possibly come of it? If he's not doing well now, what possible good will occur when you add homelessness to his problems?
When people I love are clearly in need of help, I draw them closer. I don't push them away or throw them away.
People who come from the "parent duties end at 18" school of parenting just don't get it. The most difficult time for many children, is the transition between the teen years and adulthood.
This seems like a very bad time to shirk from your parental duties. The OP should realize than most kids who are kicked out of their houses without an education, a skill, or a trade, do not swim - they sink.
At the very least, kids who are thrown to the wolves, never reach their full potential.
I think she IS parenting him...by not letting him continue to act the way he is. She's not throwing him away. He had a chance to stay put. All he had to do was pay the minimal rent she's charging him, clean his room, pull his weight (as ANY roommate would ask). It's like when you get a job--you have to show up on time, do your work, be responsible, or you don't keep the job. He's old enough to understand that there are consequences. He's not 16. He's 19, an adult. The mother is doing him a favor, helping him learn about the world.
She talked to him. She asked, begged, pleaded, threatened...nothing worked. She wasn't asking him to work in the coal mines. She wanted him to do his part and he's refused to do so. Coddling him more would only make things worse. Why doesn't the son have an education, a skill, a trade? Presumably, at 19, he's been out of high school for over a year. What has he done to help himself? Contrary to what many might say, it's not a law or a necessity for parents to put their children through college. Many cannot afford to do so. He can learn a trade. He can go to community college. Some of us did that (myself included) because our parents didn't have the money to foot the bill. I'd often wished my parents could have helped, but I learned to be self-reliant early on and it's always been motivating.
I'm guessing the mother will always want to help the son, and this is the best lesson she can teach him. She's not shirking. Kicking him out may sound harsh, but it sounds like he's had time to consider his options and he's chosen to test his mother like my 3 year-old grandson tests his. This mother is doing what she has to. Not being a doormat is probably the best thing the OP can do for both of them.
It's not harder - kids are just coddled and pampered and treated like preschoolers well into their 30s! It wasn't that many generations ago that kids as young as 12, 13 years old were expected to go out and do a full day's hard dirty work to help support the family and a young man of 19 or 20 would have already been well out on his own and started a family. Kids today think they are entitled to not suffer any hardships. They think they have the right to move from their parent's house into an equal living situation somewhere else. They aren't willing to pay their dues, living with roommates (sometimes more than one), doing without tv, eating ramen noodles, and sitting on lawn furniture in their living room while they work two jobs just to have that. They'll love with mummy and daddy until they've saved up enough to buy their own nice home in their 30s and the parents, which brought this on themselves, don't have the backbone to force the kids to launch into adulthood. Previous generations didn't have the luxury of being able to support adult children that should have flown the coop 5-10 years earlier! Just look at some of the comments on here, acting like this lazy, unmotivated young adult is a confused 8-year-old!
Generations ago, one could get a high paying blue collar job straight out of high school. And they can afford to put a roof over their head and put food on the table. Now, companies demand applicants have a college degree and 3-5 years of work experience while paying barely above minimum wage.
I think she IS parenting him...by not letting him continue to act the way he is. She's not throwing him away. He had a chance to stay put. All he had to do was pay the minimal rent she's charging him, clean his room, pull his weight (as ANY roommate would ask). It's like when you get a job--you have to show up on time, do your work, be responsible, or you don't keep the job. He's old enough to understand that there are consequences. He's not 16. He's 19, an adult. The mother is doing him a favor, helping him learn about the world.
She talked to him. She asked, begged, pleaded, threatened...nothing worked. She wasn't asking him to work in the coal mines. She wanted him to do his part and he's refused to do so. Coddling him more would only make things worse. Why doesn't the son have an education, a skill, a trade? Presumably, at 19, he's been out of high school for over a year. What has he done to help himself? Contrary to what many might say, it's not a law or a necessity for parents to put their children through college. Many cannot afford to do so. He can learn a trade. He can go to community college. Some of us did that (myself included) because our parents didn't have the money to foot the bill. I'd often wished my parents could have helped, but I learned to be self-reliant early on and it's always been motivating.
I'm guessing the mother will always want to help the son, and this is the best lesson she can teach him. She's not shirking. Kicking him out may sound harsh, but it sounds like he's had time to consider his options and he's chosen to test his mother like my 3 year-old grandson tests his. This mother is doing what she has to. Not being a doormat is probably the best thing the OP can do for both of them.
I don't agree. I think she is giving up. I empathize with her situation, and I am sure it is frustrating, but this attitude and "failure to launch" did not occur over night.
Did the mom help her son to prepare for the future while he was in early HS? Was she involved with his post HS plans? Did she question her son's goals? Inquire about his aspirations? Speak to his guidance counselor? Or did she avoid all of this admittedly hard work, and let him "do what ever makes him happy" as long as he was not committing antisocial and violent crimes?
SO FEW KIDS figure all of this out for themselves. And so many parents expect their kids to make the right choices, know what they want in life, and figure this whole "life after HS" thing on their own. It just doesn't work that way.
I was involved in my children's educations. Not a "helicopter mom" - but I took my duties seriously. I was aware of their homework and their grades. At the right time, I made sure that they took the PSAT test, discussed their scores and offered tutoring - they did well, but higher scores yield more financial aid.
After that, I prepared them for the SATs. We visited colleges when they were as young as 12, and I often incorporated college visits into summer trips.
My children were not interested in trades, but if college is not an interest or an option, looking into reputable career schools and the trades that they teach would be helpful.
If anyone thinks that guidance counselors do these things - you are dreaming. They do not. HS guidance counselors have their plates full with scheduling, and other school duties.
Personally guiding your child in the selection of a career, or college preparation is a task that falls on the family. Do not tell me how you did it yourself 35 years ago. My parents were somewhat involved, but no where near as involved as parents need to be today.
I DO NOT think it's too late. The OP can have her son tested to find out is aptitudes. She can take him to a career counselor, or an independent college counselor to discus his options.
Throwing an immature and unmotivated kid out will not make him grow up magically. The OP needs to be ON her son like "white on rice". And this is HARD WORK.
The alternative is a couch surfing slacker, who most likely continue to work at dead end server jobs, fast food places, discount stores and other menial jobs.
He may also become involved with hard drugs, or impregnate a girl. This last action will alter and limit the OP's son's future. Stop yelling threatening, pleading or nagging. Instead, tell him calmly what is going to happen. And be prepared to work hard on this.
The OP needs to fight for her son's life. This is not a trivial matter.
You aren't wrong, sheena12. It's not a matter of what mom HAS to do because she doesn't have to do anything other than possibly follow the law to kick him out of her house.
That said, it IS hard to make it without any help...
I remember when my dad (a fairly high earner...we'll say barely upper-middle class), who didn't really do anything for us beyond paying minimal child support until we were 18 (my mom agreed on a child support amount with him outside of court or mediation that was way too low because she was scared he'd try to get custody of us), tried to compare me to his siblings' children. I was living on my own and working full-time at one job and part-time at another and going to school, so it took me 4 years to complete a 2-year-degree.
Along the way, he said, "Am I ever going to be able to see you graduate? Will I ever be able to send an invitation to my mom? I'm hoping you'll do something that will make me proud of you at some point."
I'll never forget those words because they really hurt. I was working so hard and trying so hard, but I didn't have a lot of advantages given to me. My dad was comparing me to his siblings' kids (who are all just a little older than me, and they'd all gotten 4-year degrees by this point), but his siblings (who have two kids each) both paid their kids' way through college, paid for their apartments while they were in college, bought them cars, paid for their dental work and braces (I only went to the dentist once in my life before I was 28, and I had terribly crooked teeth) and just took care of them in general both before AND after age 18.
I'm doing okay now, pretty well, actually, so I guess you could say I'm a "success story." But it was much, much harder for me because I was thrown out on my own. Kids who have to do it on their own are much more likely to fail.
Then again, I'm gathering that OP doesn't have the best financial means herself.
Isn't his mom giving him 30 days and having the sheriff serve him? That's generally how it's done.
Well, excuse me for being adult enough to live on my own when I left my own parents at the age of 17! And yes, a landlord IS allowed to "just come into a tenant's premises" with a 24 hr notice. They don't have to ask, they just have to post the notice and if you're not there and you don't see the notice, tough.
Landlords go into tenants' apartments all the time if they have to fix something or stop a leak or anything another tenant might complain about, like a bad smell. His mother said his room and bathroom were filthy. It's HER house. She OWNS it. SHE is the one who made the payments on it, not him. If she was renting to anyone else's 19 year old son who kept a filthy room and refused to pay rent, she'd be well within her rights to boot him out.
Many ADULTS at 19 are in college and renting apartments of their own or with other students. If one of them didn't pay the rent and kept a filthy room, he'd be kicked out, too. This mother is providing her son with a free place to live, free food, and free utilities. Food and utilities are coming out of HER money that SHE earns. I'd bet pennies to peanuts that she also bought the bed he's sleeping in and the sheets and blankets and towels and soap he's using. If he's washing his clothes for free, it's in HER washing machine and I bet he uses HER dryer.
And all he had to do to was to clean his room and bathroom. That's something a pre-teen would be expected to do, for crying out loud. And for all that he gets, this kid couldn't even be bothered to do that.
Why would you PM the mother and offer to take her child? Because you're the one getting all worked up about it. If you're not worked up about it, then I suggest you quit typing all in bold because that gives everyone the impression that you're emphasizing every word you type and makes it look like you're all hot and bothered by what's going on.
By the way, she's stated that she's tried to talk to her son. She's already tried the calm approach. Go back and reread her first post. It's not like she hasn't told him how she felt or tried to get him to do or say something. It didn't work then, it's not working now, and as long as she puts up with this nonsense, the situation won't change.
Another "immature post" brandishing emotional diatribe even insinuating "that I'm getting all worked up about it" when YOU'RE the one going on an infantile rant. In other words, you're supposed to be an adult for giving your opinion but I'm not for giving mine. Whether I type in bold or not is my prerogative. There are many features to the message board...you should try using them..LOL Don't get upset with me because I do.
You wrote: This mother is providing her son with a free place to live, free food, and free utilities. Food and utilities are coming out of HER money that SHE earns"
OK, so what has she been doing with the money he gave her? I mean she raised his rent to $300. It's not free for the son physically or mentally it appears.
All in all, your rant doesn't change my opinion. The mother is acting over emotional because things didn't go her way for a couple or a few months. That's not bad out of 19 years! You wrote that: "By the way, she's tried to talk to her son. She's already tried the calm approach. Go back and reread her first post. It's not like she hasn't told him how she felt or tried to get him to do or say something. It didn't work." Of course it didn't work...! The operative words here are: "It's not like she hasn't TOLD him how she felt or tried to GET HIM to do or say something." OK...so she "told" a so-called adult how she felt and "tried to get him to do or say something." Did she give him the same opportunity? Sounds pushy to me. If anything, "as adults" we should know how teens (and yes this boy is still a teen) thinks or their lack of thinking. TELLING them not to do something is like saying do it. You must be intelligent and use reasoning with not only teens but with other adults and small children as well. The child has a side as well and I would love to hear it. There are some terrible, neglectful, evil parents out there (I'm not saying she's one of them). Parents aren't perfect and they're not ALWAYS right either, even though they think they are! Raising a child is more than just 'telling them what to do." In addition, he is a male and she is a female. They're coming from different angles. Perhaps the boy should be with his father or is the mother busy yelling at him too...!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kgryfon
Well, maybe it is a tug-of-war for power, and if so, he's a fool because she has all the power. It's her house. It's her room. It's her groceries and her utilities. No one else in the world would expect that they can treat another person and household the way he is treating her, without consequences. It's completely disrespectful and greedy and childish on his part.
If he wants power over his environment, easy-peasy - he can go get his own place. Like grown-ups do. And he'll soon learn that no matter where he goes, he has to follow rules of some sort. Unless, of course, he wants to live alone in a cave somewhere. Even there he wouldn't be able to start forest fires or shooting certain animals without getting in trouble.
What has the child done so awful? You wrote: " No one else in the world would expect that they can treat another person and household the way he is treating her, without consequences." You're going on about forest fires and shooting animals. You act like the boy tried to strangle her or something! I mean really, LOL your post is nothing but over-emotional ranting it's laughable. If you can't state your case without overly exaggerating then that says a lot about your reasoning skills. The world has become too feminized, too emotional with all these identity groups, crying rooms for college students, and movements. Society will continue to disintegrate if this "over emotionalism" is not curtailed.
You also wrote: Well, maybe it is a tug-of-war for power, and if so, he's a fool because she has all the power. It's her house. It's her room. It's her groceries and her utilities. Power is not just about material things...the real power is in how well she can control herself!
It doesn't seem to me that the kid wants power at all....it's the mother throwing the punches. The kid has a job...that's pretty good compared to many other kids today. It's not like he's lazy in that respect. Perhaps after going to work and all he wants to do is go into his room and relax. You know, adults want to do that sometimes after a hard days work, just relax. But he's not allowed to do that because he's in his mother's house? Seeing that she doesn't want him to do that he's probably better off at his father's place. A woman CANNOT raise a man. I don't care what anyone says. I wouldn't be surprised if he probably wants to get out of there just as much as she wants him out. She did state in her post that she doesn't think he's prepared to move. There's a lot more going on with this situation. I think she loves him though but I would like to hear the son's side.
Was going to respond when I realized it was a first time poster who has never bothered to come back.
LOL...you do have a point. Maybe she's just reading all the replies and it's not what she expected. Anyway, I hope it all works out well for her and her son.
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