Here is the original link, now closed:
//www.city-data.com/forum/paren...r-old-son.html
I meant to get back on here and keep you all updated but I just haven't had a great opportunity. I want to thank all of you who responded as I do appreciate all of your varying perspectives.
Moderator cut: delete
*UPDATE*
So the 30 days was up on Wednesday 10/24. This last month hasn't been much fun. Initially he was angry with me but then he settled down. Admittedly though our relationship has been more strained, which I expected, but in all honesty it's been going downhill for months now. It takes 2 people to work on a relationship, not just me. I am NOT claiming I've been perfect, not by any stretch, but I can say with certainty that I have absolutely been the only one trying. Ok, I'll give him 5% effort and that's being generous.
I didn't see any effort towards finding a place, and he said nothing about looking. I spoke with him on several occasions about it and sent several emails with room-for-rent links (to give him ideas of what was available and at what expense), and I also sent some reminder texts about how the 24th is around the corner and it doesn't seem like he is taking this seriously. He never respond to any of them. The whole purpose in doing this was so there would be no surprises when the 24th came and I had locked him out. As the day approached I felt myself wavering but after family reenforcement that I am doing the right thing AND finding out that he can in fact go to his fathers house and won't he out on the street, I felt strong about it again. He doesn't get along great with his father, and of this I empathize with him, but it is a roof over his head after all and perhaps the necessity of this is something he needs to learn.
A few days I told him we should go have coffee so we could talk about things. We agreed to do that the next night. He told me he was hanging out with his girlfriend as they were both off, but he would "make it happen." Well the evening came and went because his girlfriend was at the house and he didn't want to discuss with her there. After I had gotten into bed he came in, and I could tell by his attitude we weren't going to get very far. He basically just has a huge chip on his shoulder, said he needed more time. He complained again about the rent (to which he hasn't paid in 3 months now) and how he seemed to think that because over the last 2 weeks since he has done more cleaning than usual (but still very little) that that should change my mind about him moving. It doesn't. 30 days ago it might have because at that point all I was wanting from him was some help, but I'm past that now, and his effort is very minimal. I just can't stand it anymore. Since the 30 day notice he has been having his gf over daily, and now I feel like I live with the 2 of them. Still nothing towards rent either.
I told him that he should pack a bag of essentials and take it with him when he left for work on the 24th. He had already walked away from me at this point. He didn't want to hear anything more from me. I don't know if he even listened to me but I had to keep talking because I didn't want him to be surprised about anything. I told him that if he did not do it that I would have to and it would be a guessing game about what I thought he would need. I told him I would be taking the stuff to his dads. He was mad and arguing over me. Then he left. To be honest I think he was really just wanting to to smoke pot. He hadn't smoked the entire day because he was with his gf and she doesn't like it, so I think he was kinda withdrawing. Another issue I don't want to deal with anymore (and btw I HAVE suggested he get professional help for this. I told him I'd help him and that I'd pay. He always dismisses it).
I got home from work on the 24th and he had not packed a thing. I pulled the biggest suitcase I had from the garage and loaded all the clothes he regularly wears plus all his shoes, his bathroom products and some other essentials. My eldest son came over to help me haul it over to his dads. He had ALSO been discussing moving out with his brother, asking him how the hunt is going, telling him he'll be fine but he needs to take this seriously, etc. While we were at my exes dropping off his stuff, he called because I had changed the door code and wanted to be let in. He was off early - I had not planned for this. I wanted to text him so he would not be surprised about anything.
I told him I was not home, that I was at his dads dropping off his stuff and for him to come over there. He said "No. What is the code?" I told him I wasn't giving it to him. He demanded it a second time, said he was out front in the cold with his gf and he was going in. Again I told him I wasn't giving it to him. After some more demanding of the code or else he will "kick the door in" I hung up on him. We hurried back to my house where he was indeed sitting out there with his gf. The moment he saw his brother he cursed him out and tore outta there. I know he felt like his brother had betrayed him; it was very sad. The reality is that his older brother knows he needed to go, had told him he needed to go and that he was acting entitled, and told him that he and I had been talking. I did not want to go up against him alone and so was grateful to have his help that night. Had he not been with me my youngest would have probably just forced his way in (as threatened).
My oldest stayed for a while to see if he would come back. He didn't - we figured at that point he would stay at a friends since he didn't want to go to his fathers. Well he came back at 1am and rang the doorbell 5 or 6 times. He tried calling, but I didn't answer. He came to the back door (my bedroom) and took off the screen so he could see if it was unlocked. He knocked on it several times and tried calling again. At one point he said "I'm not leaving" and after 5 or 10 more minutes of me not coming to the door, he finally left and went to his dads. It was once of the hardest things I ever had to do. I felt just horrible. There was one little part of me that kept me focused and that is knowing that he could have stayed with a friend, and he also could have gone to his dads. He would not be out in the cold or in his car. The fact that he ended up back there at 1am was a manipulation on his part, and I found out the next day that he HAD gone to his dads right after we dropped off his stuff and he picked everything up. He had it with him in his car when he came back at 1am, and if I would have let him in, he would be back in with all his stuff.
Since Wed evening he has sent some awful texts. He is downright nasty. Then started the begging and pleading. Then the crying. He has said he would do whatever it takes to come back. He has also NOT accepted responsibility for how he got here in the first place. He needs to be able to see his part in all this. He needs to understand he cannot live like a leach no matter where he is. He is a grown damn adult who is capable of being this badass at work (he is - he's proven it) but then is this lazy, moocher at home. Again, I am NOT perfect, never claimed to be. I know I have spoiled him when I shouldn't have, given him too much when he didn't deserve it, put him through rough times when I divorced his dad - I know I could have been a better mom to him, but I am trying. He needs to try too.
I haven't given much thought what to do or not do down the road, whether he should permanently be out or if I should ever consider letting him come back at some point. I just knew that right now he needed to not be here, that I wasn't going to be taken for granted anymore. My mind keeps going back to him and his situation at his dads where he is not happy. I feel sorry for him of course but he should have seen this coming. My emotional side wants to believe him about the changes he claims he will make if I let him back but the logical side of me knows he has not been reliable about promises. The logical side of me also knows he will have more of a push to grow up and move out if he does't like it there. At my house he was just comfortable, and I was a pushover so that worked great for him until I couldn't stand it anymore. And because he didn't take me seriously and prepare, he's at his dads.. exactly where he doesn't want to be. His dad is going to charge him rent btw - go figure. That's because rent is fair for a 19 year old who makes good money.
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