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I’m really desparate and out of ideas so any suggestions or advice will be appreciated.
My 11 year old just seems to be drifting through life. She is an introvert who doesn’t have many friends. She isn’t very talkative and therefore has a hard time making new friends or getting into a group of friends. We put her in sports (soccer/volleyball) thinking it might help but she just seems to go through the motions there without any real emotion, enjoyment or improvement. She really hasn’t made any friendships with those kids either.
In school she’s just average from an academic standpoint. She does OK with grades but again lacks the passion and dedication to do the task in hand. Homework and reading are things we have to force on her. Things like homework, classes etc. just make her procrastinate till the last minute and she seems to do it just because we tell her to.
She just seems to lack the enthusiasm to anything in life! We have tried explaining to her repeatedly, tried taking things away from her (iPad screen time) but nothing seems to resonate with her. She’s lazy and doesn’t like helping out with chores in the house, cleaning etc.
I am a positive person and am hopeful things will change but it’s been the same story for a few years now and I cannot just stand by and watch her just meander through life aimlessly, joylessly and without any real improvement. We are starting to argue with her and it’s just fraying the fabric of our lives. I am really looking for some help from other parents in a similar situation. Is there anything that we can do to make a change here? Please help!!!!!!!
What DOES she like? If she isn't interested in anything, could she be mildly depressed? How does she choose to spend her free time? Get her off that iPad and get her outside for starters. Go for a walk in the woods while the leaves are turning. Get her on ice or roller skates. Invite a friend or classmate - doesn't need to be a close friend if there's a planned activity both can enjoy.
Take her to the library and encourage her to borrow books about a favorite topic or topics, and ask the children's librarian for good suggestions for fiction that will capture her attention. Take her to museums, a ball game, concerts, appropriate plays and movies. Provide interesting experiences and opportunities and see how she responds.
Also get her a thorough physical check-up, just to be on the safe side. Let her pediatrician know about her lack of interest.
What does/do her teacher or teachers have to say about her?
Often kids become a bit lackadaisical just before the adolescent growth spurt hits. If this is the situation, you may see an enormous change in motivation, etc. as well as physical growth in the next six months or so.
She is an introvert who doesn’t have many friends. She isn’t very talkative and therefore has a hard time making new friends or getting into a group of friends. We put her in sports (soccer/volleyball) thinking it might help but she just seems to go through the motions there without any real emotion, enjoyment or improvement. She really hasn’t made any friendships with those kids either.
Some people don't want, need or enjoy having a lot a friends, a few will suffice. I feel like you want to force her to turn into an extrovert because you are uncomfortable with the idea of her being an introvert.
She’s 11. It’s fine if she doesn’t have a lot of friends. She may only need a couple.
For her laziness, what does motivate her? My daughter is similar, I took away her car and told her she couldn’t drive until she gets a job. That was two months ago.
That’s what the key is, finding what motivates her. Positive affirmation? Rewards? Taking away things?
She's 11, let her be a kid. Back off, limit the screen time, and see how she wants to entertain herself. If her school will impose consequences for not doing the homework, I'd back off on that some too. Introverted kids wanting to spend a lot of time daydreaming is normal, but usually by 11 they will start burying a nose in a book. If literally all she wants to do is lie on the bed and do nothing, take her to the doctor to make sure there are no physical or mental health issues.
I've got two introverted kids, one that's almost an adult and one that wishes she was an adult, and neither of them have had any interest in sports. Have you tried putting her in some activities like art class, acting, book club, science camp etc...If she doesn't have interests, expose her to a bunch of things and see if something excites her interest and/or she can find a kindred spirit.
For my son it was theater, he loves the class and takes it every year, though has zero desire to be involved in a school play. Mostly he has found he likes to hang out with theater kids and it has given him a lot of confidence to get up and do public speaking. While he hasn't quite figured out where his passion is, he has figured out there is a direct relationship between effort he puts into something and how successful he is at it.
My daughter is not as outgoing as her brother, so Girl Scouts has been really good for her. If you have an active Cadette troop in your area, they tend to do a lot of interesting stuff. She's going indoor skydiving next week with some of the money she's earned from cookie selling. She doesn't like selling cookies, but really likes that it funds neat activities that she can do with other girls. A lot of the girls in her troop are pretty introverted, but since they all have such different interests, they tend to encourage each other to step a couple inches outside of their own comfort zone for the sake of the troop. We'll see if any of the ones that are afraid of heights actually do the sky diving or if they'll stick to just learning about aerodynamics and cheering on the more adventures girls.
It sounds like you may be in a power struggle with her, so I'd really recommend on backing off on that and letting her deal with the natural consequences for the stuff you've been getting after her for. No kid likes doing chores, but mine are pretty good about getting them done because they stand in the way of what they would rather be doing.
Last edited by wildflower_FL; 11-03-2018 at 12:23 PM..
Reason: typo
There are many things introverts tend to enjoy more than team sports. She may enjoy art or music lessons, sewing or crafts like learning to throw pottery on a wheel, growing a vegetable or flower garden, photography, pets of all sorts, swimming or other individual sport. Try to work with her introversion rather than changing it. Introverts often make friends better with activities outside of the school setting and among people more like them. Extroverts tend to take over at school and in other large environments.
Some people don't want, need or enjoy having a lot a friends, a few will suffice. I feel like you want to force her to turn into an extrovert because you are uncomfortable with the idea of her being an introvert.
I actually knew some kids growing up that couldn't handle more than one good friend at a time. She is also at the age of puberty. Maybe something as simple as acting like you don't care whether she has a lot of friends or not will bring about the result you are looking for, OP.
Leave the kid be. Maybe someone in the immediate family has such a dominant personality that she doesn't feel a need or desire to compete with that. Its okay. Let her be her own person. I wouldn't get worried unless I found evidence of her torturing small animals and toddlers or something.
There may be things going on inside this girl's head that give her all she needs. Others, even her parents, might not be aware of what she's thinking. Let her be herself and don't penalize her for not outwardly acting just like you think she should. She's entitled to her own version of herself, as are we all. She's too young to become all these things that you might want of her. I predict that in two years, she'll be very different and you might wish that she was more like the quiet, non-social person she is now.
I’m really desparate and out of ideas so any suggestions or advice will be appreciated.
My 11 year old just seems to be drifting through life. She is an introvert who doesn’t have many friends. She isn’t very talkative and therefore has a hard time making new friends or getting into a group of friends. We put her in sports (soccer/volleyball) thinking it might help but she just seems to go through the motions there without any real emotion, enjoyment or improvement. She really hasn’t made any friendships with those kids either.
In school she’s just average from an academic standpoint. She does OK with grades but again lacks the passion and dedication to do the task in hand. Homework and reading are things we have to force on her. Things like homework, classes etc. just make her procrastinate till the last minute and she seems to do it just because we tell her to.
She just seems to lack the enthusiasm to anything in life! We have tried explaining to her repeatedly, tried taking things away from her (iPad screen time) but nothing seems to resonate with her. She’s lazy and doesn’t like helping out with chores in the house, cleaning etc.
I am a positive person and am hopeful things will change but it’s been the same story for a few years now and I cannot just stand by and watch her just meander through life aimlessly, joylessly and without any real improvement. We are starting to argue with her and it’s just fraying the fabric of our lives. I am really looking for some help from other parents in a similar situation. Is there anything that we can do to make a change here? Please help!!!!!!!
She sounds much like me at that age. Many years into adulthood I was finally diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder....which was present since I was a child.
I think you have valid concerns. An evaluation with a psychologist or psychiatrist to rule out issues such as depression might be in order. MDs are recently more alert to CHILDHOOD DEPRESSION. There is no downside to an evaluation....at least you'll know if you are up against something such as depression and need to initiate treatment options.
I echo others thinking that it may be depression. Get a psych eval, it can't hurt. Treatment does help kids with depression. Even if depression is ruled out, I would suggest looking into counseling.
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