Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've walked into various family dynamics. Raised by a single mom....then over to my grandparents (seen not heard), then into three different foster homes. Each one carried strengths and some flaws. The one I thrived in was the first foster home. I was 13 and they were in mid 30's ...still fresh in understanding teens and open to conversing. They believed that each human at the table had a voice. Respecting and disciplined in chat ....there was two little ones that also chimed in. None of us came off as all powerful. ..we each developed our individuality ..while seeking common goals. Be it where did we each want to go on vacation....to: how can we support Beth in her grades improving? Yes...it's unconventional when I read some of the tales of parenting. Demand, subject and humiliate. That was how another 'family' chose to dictate....
I mentor teens and it's a mixed bag of personalities and home environments. While I have little influence...I do have that seed to plant. Some of em take hold and flourish...others struggle with peer pressure or even finding a civil voice.
Just as some adults are best suited to be independent and childless...some kids deserve to have a voice and some choices...
I would venture to say that you don't know half of what goes into making these decisions. Sure, there are people who make poor parenting decisions, but who are you to judge which kid can be on a competitive team, or what a family spends it's time and money on?
I don't understand why you appear to take this so personally. I don't care who plays on what team or how much people spend on it. Just like I don't care who buys a Mazda or who buys a Mercedes.
All I said is that "I want the best for my kids" or "my kids deserve the best" or somesuch variation thereof is used as a rationale for making unwise decisions.
I don't understand why you appear to take this so personally. I don't care who plays on what team or how much people spend on it. Just like I don't care who buys a Mazda or who buys a Mercedes.
All I said is that "I want the best for my kids" or "my kids deserve the best" or somesuch variation thereof is used as a rationale for making unwise decisions.
My point is that you don't have all the info to decide they are unwise decisions. You are judging people on something you don't fully understand.
I don't understand why you appear to take this so personally. I don't care who plays on what team or how much people spend on it. Just like I don't care who buys a Mazda or who buys a Mercedes.
All I said is that "I want the best for my kids" or "my kids deserve the best" or somesuch variation thereof is used as a rationale for making unwise decisions.
And...
What others are trying to explain to you; is that you have no authority to decide what is ‘unwise’ for others because you do not have enough information about their individual situations to come to that conclusion.
Ergo- you are making assumptions-and you know what they say about assumptions....
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,629 posts, read 17,968,125 times
Reputation: 50652
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
Ok, I will say right off the bat that I am childfree. The only reference I have regarding child rearing are my own experiences as a child and the people I know who have kids.
What I'm having difficulty understanding us the amount of CONTROL small children exert over their parents' lives.
When I was a child, my parents lived their lives and I was an accessory to that life. My duties were to go to school, and learn, bit by bit, how to become an adult. No thought was EVER given to my personal preferences about anything dealing with the family. The singular exception being my birthday (after reaching about 10) when I got to decide what I wanted to do for my special day.
Other than that, what my parents wanted to do....we did. When my parents wanted to travel, we traveled. When they wanted to move...we moved. No thought was EVER given to what I wanted or even what I thought about it.
The friends I know who have children allow them to totally run their lives. Vacations are decided by what the children want to do. They are scheduled based upon the social obligations of the children. A very hard-working friend of mine spends his 1 day off EVERY week doing things that his 5 year old wants to do. Whats more aggravating is that the child does NOT appreciate anything and behaves like an insufferable spoiled brat.
I realize times have changed but my big question is Why are people willing to subjugate every aspect of their life for their children when it is not necessary?
I wonder if your parents would agree that that was the case - that your preferences were never taken into account in their decisions.
Like, did you vacation in Paris as a family and go to art museums and bars? Or something else that would be more pleasing to a child?
If your parents truly didn't take into account anything that might make you happy, I can see why you've chosen to remain childless - you grew up in a very very tough world.
What makes you think that other people don't think these things through? My son has a hobby that takes him traveling all over the country and also to other countries. It is not something that is going to turn into a career, so some might think it has "questionable long-term value, utility, or benefit." However, we have seen him grow so much with this activity. It's not up to a random onlooker to decide that a particular activity or decision is not right for some other family. They might have no idea what the progression has been, what the reasons are, or anything at all about the inner workings of the family and the individual.
I'm not saying that no one thinks it through, or that all of it lacks value, just that plenty of folks don't think about it critically; that the benefit of the children becomes an unassailable and noble justification when it merits questioning.
I'm not saying that no one thinks it through, or that all of it lacks value, just that plenty of folks don't think about it critically; that the benefit of the children becomes an unassailable and noble justification when it merits questioning.
If the kid enjoys it and the parents can afford it, maybe that's all the justification needed.
My point is that you don't have all the info to decide they are unwise decisions. You are judging people on something you don't fully understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLDSoon
And...
What others are trying to explain to you; is that you have no authority to decide what is ‘unwise’ for others because you do not have enough information about their individual situations to come to that conclusion.
Ergo- you are making assumptions-and you know what they say about assumptions....
I avoided giving specific examples, but I do know a handful of folks that are making or have made unwise decisions, using the said justification.
I know a family that traded in a 10 year old car that had been a reliable small SUV, for a brand new one, because, "We need three rows" and "We need the new safety features and can't take the risk of a breakdown now with da behbeh!" Gimme a break. Just say you wanted a new car. It won't send them to the poorhouse but there's no way around the fact that they are going to take a financial haircut on the car. Using the kids as the justification makes it an unwise decision.
Or a mom that I know is borrowing from her 401K for her kid's Gymnastics, to the tune of $7500 a year. Dad has already bailed out of that one; said that the local in-house Gymnastics will do fine and the kid isn't likely to be in the Olympics, and he's not supporting it anymore. "But I want her to have every opportunity."
I avoided giving specific examples, but I do know a handful of folks that are making or have made unwise decisions, using the said justification.
I know a family that traded in a 10 year old car that had been a reliable small SUV, for a brand new one, because, "We need three rows" and "We need the new safety features and can't take the risk of a breakdown now with da behbeh!" Gimme a break. Just say you wanted a new car. It won't send them to the poorhouse but there's no way around the fact that they are going to take a financial haircut on the car. Using the kids as the justification makes it an unwise decision.
Or a mom that I know is borrowing from her 401K for her kid's Gymnastics, to the tune of $7500 a year. Dad has already bailed out of that one; said that the local in-house Gymnastics will do fine and the kid isn't likely to be in the Olympics, and he's not supporting it anymore. "But I want her to have every opportunity."
The above is simply an example of oversharing. It's not a childrearing issue. Sometimes I think we all need to learn how to just shut up. Nobody really needs or wants the details.
I avoided giving specific examples, but I do know a handful of folks that are making or have made unwise decisions, using the said justification.
I know a family that traded in a 10 year old car that had been a reliable small SUV, for a brand new one, because, "We need three rows" and "We need the new safety features and can't take the risk of a breakdown now with da behbeh!" Gimme a break. Just say you wanted a new car. It won't send them to the poorhouse but there's no way around the fact that they are going to take a financial haircut on the car. Using the kids as the justification makes it an unwise decision.
Or a mom that I know is borrowing from her 401K for her kid's Gymnastics, to the tune of $7500 a year. Dad has already bailed out of that one; said that the local in-house Gymnastics will do fine and the kid isn't likely to be in the Olympics, and he's not supporting it anymore. "But I want her to have every opportunity."
The car has zero to do with parenting. Some people are not smart with their money.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I avoided giving specific examples, but I do know a handful of folks that are making or have made unwise decisions, using the said justification. 
