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Kids are different and respond to different things. One of my children is very worried that I will be angry at her and she tries really hard to behave well because it upsets her when I'm annoyed. My other child doesn't worry at all about whether I'll be angry... With him, ignoring minor misbehavior causes it to go away faster and staying calm is really key .
This post from Topaz makes an excellent point. Kids are different and totally different approaches may be used in the same family. A parent such as the one above shows the greater importance and value in parenting of knowing your kids, observing your kids, flexibility and willingness to adapt as a parent in approach; over an iron-clad authoritarian rigid approach.
With my 3 sons, like the post above, we did entirely opposite things and it worked beautifully. One son loved time-outs (he's always liked quiet time alone) so it was no deprivation. But he hated having his shoes and socks removed (go figure) so that worked beautifully as a possible "consequence" to unacceptable behavior.
The other 2 could care less about whether they had their clothes on, but did not like having certain favorite toys "removed from circulation" for days or weeks as a consequence.
Trying to get them in the car when it was time to go? With 2 of the boys, I would prepare to leave anyway without them (get in the car, shut the door, they would come running). With the other, the exact opposite, he'd be happy if I drove off without him, but he hated being picked up physically and put in the car, so I would approach him as if to pick him up, and he would run and get in the car himself. It was hilarious, totally opposite for the boys but it worked.
How is what you've been told worked, with the hugging and talking?
Kids don't know how to express themselves at that age and I can tell you from what I went through that if there is something going on in your life, it is probably the cause. Some kids can't handle "the real world" (for lack of a better term) and time outs don't help them work through what is actually bothering them.
Hopefully she will adjust to all of the changes. Do keep your eye on her though because eventually it may turn into anger issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by motown mary
My 5-year-old daughter is a huge handful & I am at my wit's end. She is constantly talking back ("No, YOU go in time out"), or ignoring us when we address her, hitting & taking things from her two younger brothers, whining & begging in stores, talking loudly in church, etc. She is bright, but incredibly mouthy, aggressive & increasingly difficult to live with! I know this all has something to do with the past six months - my husband was laid off, then was home for three months, then got a job in another state & moved away while we sold the house for three months. We are now all together again in the new city in an apartment. I know she misses her school, friends & grandparents and I know this adjustment must be causing it.
What can we do to cut out this terrible behavior? I am afraid to send her to kindergarten with the way she is acting! Anyone have any success with discipline at this age?
We usually do:
time out in hallway
time out in bedroom/nap
take away a privilege
take away a favorite toy/movie
excused from table with no dessert, etc.
and most recently spanked her, but we do not typically spank our kids. We're desperate!
Here's my .02....as a mom of 4, early child care professional and child care provider for 18 years.
I think there are two things you need to do, with your husband in full agreement and support.
First, I think you need to put some fun back in the family to shed some of the stress over all the changes and misbehavior that's occurred. Think of it as a retreat and shed all your own stress and expectations in order to achieve this. For instance, head to a water park or amusement park. If you need to take it in smaller steps, go to a place like Putt Putt or Chuck E Cheese. While there, concentrate only on playing as a family. No cell phones, no work, no talking about life outside the activity you are participating in at the moment. Live in the moment and enjoy it. Give out extra hugs and kisses. Eat dessert first, go barefoot, go up slides instead of down....just do things you wouldn't normally do.
Next, now that you've all had some wonderful family fun and let off some of that stress, take a huge step backwards and let her take responsibility for her own behavior instead of you taking it on. This means that instead of you choosing to send her to time out or taking away things or even resorting to physical punishment, you turn over that power to her due to the choices she makes. What I mean by that is....you set clear boundaries with no room at all for negotiation. If she...'undesired behavior'...then 'logical consequnce'....will happen. So, when she talks back to you simply say, I'm sorry I don't talk to people who are rude to me, and walk away. Do not engage in any further conversation with her at all until she is polite. Do not react in anger, actually do not react at all other than stating your response and walking away. When she yells at you, simply repeat that phrase-I'm sorry I don't talk to people who are rude to me. She won't like one bit being ignored.
If the tables are turned and she is ignoring you, turn the table back on her and say, ok if you don't want to listen to what I have to say....then turn and tell her brother that you love him so much and want to treat him to an ice cream. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't want to listen to me, so you missed out. Shrug...her problem not yours. She won't know if you really wanted to offer her an ice cream or not, but she likely won't take that chance again. Just be sure that sometimes you really do have a treat for her for just listening to her...a hug, a sticker or an ice cream.
When she takes the next step, after being ignored and not finding success with rude behavior, it changes from being rude as the issue to the new issue. So if she hits/scratches then you say...I'm sorry you chose to do that, now you have to 'logical consequence'. After she gives 'first aid' to the person she has hurt(whether they need it or not), she must take over that person's chore/task since they are now hurt and can't do it(whether they can or not)......picking up toys, taking out trash..whatever is handy. No sweat off your back, she did it, she takes care of it.
If she resorts to damaging/defacing things you say, I'm sorry you chose to damage/deface that, now you have to 'logical consequence'. If she's made a mess, she cleans it up, with you nearby to keep an eye on her after giving her the tools she needs. For instance, she throws her glass of juice, you hand her the cleaning rag and step back. If she does a kids version of cleaning, that's fine, just don't re-do it with her knowing you did so. If you have to deal with a sticky floor for a few hours until she's gone to bed, so be it. If she's broken something she needs to repair it herself. If she's damaged something beyond repair she needs to be financially responsible for replacing it. Don't worry that she has no money, have her sell a favorite toy back to you so she gets the money to pay you for the replacement. Then put that toy away until some point in the future where she can earn it back or buy it back. The biggest issue here is to put the consequences solely on her shoulders based on her actions. She broke it, she fixes it. You don't get angry, instead you feel sadness for her choice. I'm sorry you chose to do that.
If you are going to a store, she gets a refresher on the rules before you leave home. If you act out then you (depending on time of day) - leave or you don't get TV/computer/free time when we get home or you eat dinner by yourself (don't take away food, take away the inclusion).
See the pattern here? You are not the one choosing the consequence, she is by her choices of behavior. If she gets in trouble, it's her fault and she can't blame anyone else. You are no longer engaged in the behavior battle, it's all hers. Therefore you no longer have to stress about it and she begins to learn to make choices that won't land her in a undesirable consequence. As long as you are firm, consistent and removed from it emotionally, then you will see improved behavior.
Now, for situations where the logical consequence isn't quite so tangible or is more difficult to achieve successfully for all involved, take a different route. For instance, in church or at a restaurant, if she's loud or otherwise disruptive, take her out to the car and sit down. Proceed to tell her very dramatically that you ar so sad over not getting to stay for church/dinner because of her behavior. Tell her you are sooooooooo hungry or soooooooooo disappointed you missed the sermon because she chose to be removed from the situation. Act as if it has just drained you of all energy and you can't even drive, and just sit there. When she gets concerned for your well being and she's willing to 'fix' it, tell her you just don't know what she can do to fix it....sermon is over, dinner is cold. Maybe to get your energy back she can do all the dusting for you at home. Then get just enough energy back to drive home, or better yet wait for hubby to get done with sermon/dinner and drive you back home. Upon arrival plop in a chair and sigh heavily while telling her where to get the dusting stuff. As she dusts....you don't feel much better yet...keep going...oh you feel a bit better....keep going....ahhh, much better, but not quite back to normal...keep going. Finally you feel good and she can stop. Next time she starts while in church or out to dinner, take a deep breath, lean back in your chair and blow out a big sigh and say you feel energy draining......:-)
Alot of this is just how I parent. (been one for 26 years now) I have never taken on my kids issues that they have caused. The rest was tweaked by learning a bit about Love and Logic, (energy drain is theirs) which mirrors and expands my parenting philosophy. If you can see things I've posted working for you, then you might check out the Love and Logic books and such. I don't recall who writes it, though I know it's a man and his son, but you can google it and find it easily enough. PBS has run a special about it in the past and that might be available still as well.
Good luck
Thanks for the practical advices.
As one user pointed out, these advices were all negative reinforcements. I wonder will the child, especially a sensitive child, grow up to become resentful toward her/his parents? Since the only message the child gets when misbehaving is "you did something wrong, you fix it". Will the child think that you don't care?
Also, while the child is completely lost it, i.e. kicking, screaming, scratching, will holding a child gently, firmly and calmly, and trying to explain reasons to the child work?
As one user pointed out, these advices were all negative reinforcements. I wonder will the child, especially a sensitive child, grow up to become resentful toward her/his parents? Since the only message the child gets when misbehaving is "you did something wrong, you fix it". Will the child think that you don't care?
Also, while the child is completely lost it, i.e. kicking, screaming, scratching, will holding a child gently, firmly and calmly, and trying to explain reasons to the child work?
Thank you very much for your wisdom.
I don't know how you figure this to be negative reinforcments. Negative reinforcments is allowing them to continue the undesirable behaviors without consequences.
My post was about natural consequences for their actions. Nothing about it is negative at all. It's the way life works in most cases and the way it should work if it's not.
It's very natural and logical.
-If you spill, then you should clean it up. If someone else cleans it up for you, then it's reinforcement(negative) that you are not responsible for your mess.
-If you break something, then you should fix it or replace it. If someone else handles that or nothing is done, then it's reinforcment(negative) that it's ok for you to break things.
-If you choose to speed, then you should get a ticket. If you are never stopped or never get a ticket, then it's reinforcment(negative) that it's ok to break the law.
-If someone is rude and yells at you, then you should disregard them. If you engage in their negative behavior or if you allow them to continue to yell at you, then it's reinforcement (negative) that you are ok with them yelled at you.
If kids are taught to be accountable for their own actions (yes at age appropriate levels) then they will become responsible adults. That should be one of our main goals as parents.
They've got to understand that if they do something bad they should expect something bad to happen as a consequence otherwise you're just reinforcing bad behavior.
This post from Topaz makes an excellent point. Kids are different and totally different approaches may be used in the same family. A parent such as the one above shows the greater importance and value in parenting of knowing your kids, observing your kids, flexibility and willingness to adapt as a parent in approach; over an iron-clad authoritarian rigid approach.
With my 3 sons, like the post above, we did entirely opposite things and it worked beautifully. One son loved time-outs (he's always liked quiet time alone) so it was no deprivation. But he hated having his shoes and socks removed (go figure) so that worked beautifully as a possible "consequence" to unacceptable behavior.
The other 2 could care less about whether they had their clothes on, but did not like having certain favorite toys "removed from circulation" for days or weeks as a consequence.
Trying to get them in the car when it was time to go? With 2 of the boys, I would prepare to leave anyway without them (get in the car, shut the door, they would come running). With the other, the exact opposite, he'd be happy if I drove off without him, but he hated being picked up physically and put in the car, so I would approach him as if to pick him up, and he would run and get in the car himself. It was hilarious, totally opposite for the boys but it worked.
one of the hardest things for us. it is always a challenge to get my girls 6&3 into the car to go, even if were going somewhere they want to go.. one will always sneak something in the car and the other one needs one too, or something.. we always end up looking silly going back and forth in the driveway and in and out of the house. its horrible. being in the car is so hard too. the screaming and fooling around and fighting and playing with the windows. uuughhhh. i lock the windows but that starts a screaming fit. i have pulled over and sat there, shut the car off and waited, that works but most of the time, i dont have time to stop.
i can relate with so many things on this thread. ive done what most posters suggest so i feel im not wrong, just struggling. its more my 6 yr old than the 3. the 3 yr old just wont get potty trained.
one of the hardest things for us. it is always a challenge to get my girls 6&3 into the car to go, even if were going somewhere they want to go.. one will always sneak something in the car and the other one needs one too, or something.. we always end up looking silly going back and forth in the driveway and in and out of the house. its horrible. being in the car is so hard too. the screaming and fooling around and fighting and playing with the windows. uuughhhh. i lock the windows but that starts a screaming fit. i have pulled over and sat there, shut the car off and waited, that works but most of the time, i dont have time to stop.
i can relate with so many things on this thread. ive done what most posters suggest so i feel im not wrong, just struggling. its more my 6 yr old than the 3. the 3 yr old just wont get potty trained.
Have you tried writing out your expectations for good car behavior? My children love it when I type up their "jobs" and then attach a reward to doing their jobs well for the entire week. For instance, this week they have four jobs each day: 1) Be helpful and cooperative in getting ready for school, driving to school, and at drop off, 2) Get a good report card from school by listening to the teachers and playing well with their friends, 3) Be respectful at the dinner table, and 4) Follow instructions at the bed time routine and get to bed on time. If they do all those things well for five days in a row, Monday through Friday, I've promised them a special family movie date to see WALL-E this weekend. My daughter has never been to a movie theatre and my son has only been twice so this is a big deal and is eliciting a lot of hard work on their part to earn the movie trip.
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trying to leave the house!!
