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I don't have great advice OP. Kids don't understand until they have kids of their own. And even then, they may not understand unless they are in your shoes. It's can be a sad situation. As parents, we don't want to feel like an obligation but we want to be important to our kids.
My only advice is to have a heart to heart. I get it and wish you the best of luck.
Hard to say. I do think she should have been more up-front with you regarding her plans. Did something happen, some kind of disagreement or something, that may have made her want to speed up leaving and do so earlier than she had originally planned? Or did something make him uncomfortable that he bugged her to leave?
Another consideration is... is she getting any pressure from his side of the family to spend more time? My former partner and I simply started splitting up for Christmas-- i went to visit my mom and he went to his parents' house. His mom just expected the whole family to be there all day, which didn't work for me. I even asked him once if we could do half the day at each place, or Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other. Nope. He said that wouldn't be acceptable to his mom. She had a really big thing on the whole "family togetherness" thing; it wasn't exclusive and SOs and friends were always welcome too, but she did want the family together for everything from holidays to family trips (like, if possible she'd even sometimes rather stuff everyone into one car rather than riding more comfortably in two; we spent one six-hour trip with her sitting on the floor in front of the back seat...). So, it was simply easier for us each to do our own thing-- it wasn't that there was bad blood between anyone to be the reason for it, but everyone wanted to be somewhere different, so that's what we did.
There can be a lot of pressure to look good to "the in-laws"-- you never want to be that person who for some reason is deemed not good enough for someone's baby, or to have your SO's family hoping you break up. I've been in relationships both where his family doesn't like me, and where they treat me like part of the family myself. The former is unpleasant enough that I will try hard to avoid it!
It's very hard once you grow up to still keep the same traditions with your family as you always did. This is made harder once you're in a relationship and juggling two families (and also may want to start your own tradition of having a holiday with your SO), and even more so if you have kids of your own and are feeling more pressure to do your own "family" thing, while both your and your SO's family want you to come over and bring the kids. At the same time, it's hard as a parent to watch your child growing away.
Hard to say. I do think she should have been more up-front with you regarding her plans. Did something happen, some kind of disagreement or something, that may have made her want to speed up leaving and do so earlier than she had originally planned? Or did something make him uncomfortable that he bugged her to leave?
Another consideration is... is she getting any pressure from his side of the family to spend more time? My former partner and I simply started splitting up for Christmas-- i went to visit my mom and he went to his parents' house. His mom just expected the whole family to be there all day, which didn't work for me. I even asked him once if we could do half the day at each place, or Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other. Nope. He said that wouldn't be acceptable to his mom. She had a really big thing on the whole "family togetherness" thing; it wasn't exclusive and SOs and friends were always welcome too, but she did want the family together for everything from holidays to family trips (like, if possible she'd even sometimes rather stuff everyone into one car rather than riding more comfortably in two; we spent one six-hour trip with her sitting on the floor in front of the back seat...). So, it was simply easier for us each to do our own thing-- it wasn't that there was bad blood between anyone to be the reason for it, but everyone wanted to be somewhere different, so that's what we did.
There can be a lot of pressure to look good to "the in-laws"-- you never want to be that person who for some reason is deemed not good enough for someone's baby, or to have your SO's family hoping you break up. I've been in relationships both where his family doesn't like me, and where they treat me like part of the family myself. The former is unpleasant enough that I will try hard to avoid it!
It's very hard once you grow up to still keep the same traditions with your family as you always did. This is made harder once you're in a relationship and juggling two families (and also may want to start your own tradition of having a holiday with your SO), and even more so if you have kids of your own and are feeling more pressure to do your own "family" thing, while both your and your SO's family want you to come over and bring the kids. At the same time, it's hard as a parent to watch your child growing away.
(I'm with everyone else on the pie thing.)
This reminds me of a couple of ladies I know. They want their ADULT kids around all the time. One finally said that they are afraid something might happen to them. I think both suffer from extreme anxiety and having all these rules about togetherness is to help them cope. One lady has her kids living at home and grandkids too. The other has to have her daughter at home for lunch daily. Its nuts.
I think you need to not make judgements on how people’s lives are. Quite the opposite. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused growing up. The sexual only lasted 7 years. The other abuses were as far back as I could remember until I left the house.
I was close to my grandparents and quite a few holidays were spent with them. They stopped doing them and I had to search for places to have my holidays. I was a guest at many friends’ homes over the years.
I’ve made a very big deal out of holidays since having my own family and wanted them to look back and have good memories of them. Perhaps normal kids run off to other’s homes on holidays. Could very well be and since I was not a normal kid, I wouldn’t know that.
I never want any of my kids to feel obligated to me. I have realized that over the past week. I also do not want to feel like I am an obligation either.
I am going to propose another day as there are things I make that she likes and I’d still love to do it for her. But if that’s not something she wants then that’s fine too.
I guess I was disappointed that I was under the impression they would be sharing dinner here with her siblings and us and they just ran out. Maybe I am over sensitive about it. I will change my expectations moving forward. I’m quite resilient.
Does your daughter know about your sexual, emotional and physical abuse? If she doesn't would she understand why you feel the way you do?
Drop it. He's her boyfriend and she's in that stage when he and his family are EVERYTHING.
Do it differently next year. Next year she stays with boyfriend's mother Christmas Eve and in the morning and she can spend Xmas afternoon and evening with your family. Totally equitable.
And if she wants a homemade pumpkin pie, tell her she can make it herself.
I agree with every word. Do this.....and get used to the fact your adult kids treat you like an obligation....its not easy to swallow.....and it isn't usually personal.....Try not to make it personal....Just be as normally fun as possible.....
And...They do come back.....this is a "newness" phase.
Lol at the pumpkin pie. I was thinking of just telling her not to worry about making time to be here. Just do it another day.
The problem is feeling like I’m an obligation to just get out of the way. I never want my kids to feel obligated to me nor do I want to feel like an obligation to them.
Unfortunately you're not going to like my suggestion.
Maybe because she feels that she has absolutely no choice in where she goes. I absolutely understand it.
My mom was a holiday nut and us kids felt like scrooge and the grinch all rolled up in one if God forbid we said we wanted to do something different.
I remember one year I had the opportunity to spend Christmas in Paris for free. talk about guilt.
So sorry, yes you are being unreasonable. She is an adult and an adult with a new love, of course she wants to be with him.
Next year, instead of expecting her to be someplace, simply inform her of you Christmas plans and INVITE her. no strings.
Start new traditions.
When my husband and I started our family, we immediately made it clear that Christmas morning we were at home with our kids period. we wanted our own traditions. I love my memories as a kid at christmas but every adult child has the right to blend her traditions in her own manner.
Oh and tell her, one of the joys of adulthood is you get to bake your own desserts. lol.
Jersey, you're a rock star. Even if you hadn't come from such a troubled background, your level of concerned parenting qualifies you for rock star status.
So, for this daughter, just let her know that you would very much like to see her on holidays, and ask her what works for her. Be flexible. She's trying to fit in her family's holidays around his divorced family's holidays. It's got to be difficult. Perhaps having them over for a New Year's Day dinner with a gift exchange would work better. Frankly, I think that the way that they have it worked out, with sleeping at your house, having Xmas morning presents and a special brunch together, is perfect, since they've come up with three stops - eve, morning, and dinner, for the three families they need to see.
Another thing that you could do is institute a regular Sunday dinner at your house, that all the kids are invited to. That way, if you don't see her on a holiday, at least you saw her the week before, or after. You are right to think that unless you try, you will see less of the girls - except once they have a child themselves, and then you're a goddess, and will see them and the grandchild a lot, if they live close enough for you to babysit!
Unfortunately you're not going to like my suggestion.
Maybe because she feels that she has absolutely no choice in where she goes. I absolutely understand it.
My mom was a holiday nut and us kids felt like scrooge and the grinch all rolled up in one if God forbid we said we wanted to do something different.
I remember one year I had the opportunity to spend Christmas in Paris for free. talk about guilt.
So sorry, yes you are being unreasonable. She is an adult and an adult with a new love, of course she wants to be with him.
Next year, instead of expecting her to be someplace, simply inform her of you Christmas plans and INVITE her. no strings.
Start new traditions.
When my husband and I started our family, we immediately made it clear that Christmas morning we were at home with our kids period. we wanted our own traditions. I love my memories as a kid at christmas but every adult child has the right to blend her traditions in her own manner.
Oh and tell her, one of the joys of adulthood is you get to bake your own desserts. lol.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am in no way unreasonable with what matters to my girls. I love them with every bone in my body but I don’t hover.
Yes, I did say I’m still learning. I do feel that as parents, we have to continue learning throughout our lives. Each new phase of our children’s lives is completely new to us too. Each phase provides us with new things we need to learn to work through.
We did finally talk. I understand she feels pulled into many directions. She said she planned on coming over the day after Christmas to have pie and leftovers. I told her she should have told me that from the beginning. Although I have many talents, mind reading isn’t one of them.
I also told her that in the future, it’s ok if we just have our celebration another day. I think she was feeling pressure to get to his mom’s house from her boyfriend. That’s going to be her thing to work out. I didn’t get into that at all.
Clemencia, yes. My girls know about it all. It’s just something that happened to me. It doesn’t define me. I’ve lived by a couple rules regarding my childhood and the things I went through. Do nothing that I was subjected to and everything they didn’t do. Make sense? I didn’t hide it. I couldn’t. My sexual abuser came past my house, stopped and spoke to me, not knowing it was me. That was a scene. I kind of lost it. I had some explaining to do. My girls were five and eight. I explained it in a way they could understand. I was very guarded on their relationship with my mother as well. She was the source of the mental, physical and emotional abuse. She was very narcissistic. She held no control over me once I left her house. I got professional help and moved forward. I saw her ugly ways pop up once toward one of my girls by phone. The manipulation. I put a stop to it immediately and didn’t speak to her again. She died five years after. Talk about a confusing time in our lives. I think we all grieved for what we wished could have been. Another subject altogether.
I am grateful for this forum. I have bounced a lot off of you guys and you definitely help me see other perspectives. Sometimes when we are hurt or angry, we get tunnel vision. That’s where you all come in. And this is much cheaper than therapy. Lol!
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