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Old 01-17-2020, 10:09 PM
 
41,481 posts, read 16,416,692 times
Reputation: 27091

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
How and why does the son have a cell phone? Who pays for it if he is not working and what does he use it for if he communicates with no one and has a computer to access the internet at will?
My thoughts exactly.

It is sad that things have gone on this long. But it's time for a change.

Since the OP is paying the bills, he needs to stop. If the 19 y/o wants a cell phone, a computer, internet, shoes, ... he needs to figure out how to go about getting those things.

No more applying for jobs for him. That's pointless. He'll need to apply in person.

No more stocking the pantry with snacks for him. When he's hungry, he can sit down at the table and eat with the family. He needs to be showered and dressed to do that.

I hope his mother is on board with supporting him in becoming an independent adult.

Good luck.
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Old 01-22-2020, 02:18 PM
 
10,605 posts, read 14,169,529 times
Reputation: 6626
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?
Tough love. Kick him out. He'll change real fast when he has to fend for himself.
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Old 01-22-2020, 07:01 PM
 
Location: planet earth
6,212 posts, read 2,446,741 times
Reputation: 13854
My dad was born in the early 1900's. He was raised by a single mom and was the oldest of three kids. His mom was an immigrant and barely spoke English. They were poor. Despite everything, he excelled in high school, played 3 sports, and wrote for the city newspaper while still in high school.

After high school, he apprenticed for a blacksmith and went on to create his own business where he employed many people (at one time the shop was unionized).

He was self-made.

He probably didn't even have clean clothes as a kid (how could he), but in pics, he always looks dapper.

The point is that he was NEVER LAZY.

Nineteen is the epitome of a man's physical strength and stamina. I would be so embarrassed to have a "boy" like this - there is absolutely no excuse for it. Throw him out (give him 3 month's notice and a first rent payment and some groceries if you must).

Not good and I absolutely hate the excuses that "kids mature slower now," No, parents are weaker and more enabling now.
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Old 01-22-2020, 11:03 PM
 
891 posts, read 508,844 times
Reputation: 2118
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
There are no guns in my house. I thought about taking his video console and computer away but I'm not sure if it's legal to do that since he is an adult. I talk to my wife about counseling but she doubts our son would go to the sessions. Since he is an adult so we can't force him. These next statements are probably going to trigger a lot of people. If he does go to therapy and gets diagnosed with a mental disorder, I bet he will use that as an excuse not to work and expect others to have pity for him. I'm on the team that he needs a reality check and needs to grow up and stop being a bum. I agree he probably has mental issues but he is still very capable of getting a job. I told him I would let him live here indefinitely as long as he has a job and takes a shower or bathes every couple of days.
Excuses are like noses, we all have one..

Sorry most people with depression and mental disorders CAN work and be productive members of society Unless you're psychotic or schizophrenic you should not be collecting SSI. I have a family member with bipolar disorder that retired from a government job and worked for 30 years.

Children with autism and down syndrome hold jobs and can be self-supporting.

This man's problem is his neglectful mom who did not do her job.as a parent. Why did your wife not teach this kid hygiene, life skills, how to do chores or care for him medically???? She did him no favors. She must enjoy keeping him dependent. That is really sick. Our goal as pare ts should be to raise independent, productive adults who can take care of themselves.

I'd tell your wife it's time for you two to go to counseling and come up with a game plan to get stepson on the right path. If she is unwilling to do that I would leave and take your daughter with you.

Good luck!
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Old 01-23-2020, 02:50 AM
 
7,802 posts, read 4,295,974 times
Reputation: 16876
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
That's heartless.
Enabling self-destructive behavior is heartless.
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Old 01-23-2020, 08:02 AM
 
41,481 posts, read 16,416,692 times
Reputation: 27091
Was talking this over with a friend recently. She said her daughter was in this situation with her grandson a few years ago.

The father defended him, said he was just a kid, let him have a few years of freedom before he had to buckle down to a life of steady work.

The daughter finally had enough. She emptied the house of food. What she didn't cook, she hauled to the Food Bank. Then she went to visit her sister.

It took two weeks of the father dealing with the kid for him to admit something needed to be done. They worked out a plan, and she came home.

The biggest change was that if he wanted to eat with them, he needed to shower and change, and sit at the table with them. None of this wandering around in sweatpants, eating bowls of cereal.

They also changed the WiFi password and shut off the cable TV in his room. If he wanted to watch TV, he had to sit in the family room with them.

Naturally, the keys to the car he was driving were returned. They did get him a bus pass.

Apparently, there was lots of rude behavior, but her daughter and SIL insisted they loved him and were doing this to help him grow up.

It took him a while and a few jobs, but he is now working and supporting himself. And they are still on talking terms.
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Old Today, 11:12 AM
 
2,244 posts, read 1,281,089 times
Reputation: 2481
If this is real this thread is as disturbing as anything that i've ever seen.

OP seems to be in complete denial of his role in this. I do have one question for OP: when mil sent out the amber alert, what was your response? Somebody does that to your family, that's an act of war in my opinion. All of the nonsense needed to end right then.
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