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Old 01-22-2019, 11:44 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,475 posts, read 1,071,080 times
Reputation: 6979

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1. Get him to a doctor for a complete physical, including a mental examination.

2. Assuming #1 is all good, give him a firm date six months out that he will no longer be living under your roof. That gives him time to get a job and save some rent money or find a new enabler who will take care of him.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, allow your wife to undermine your plan of attack. Doing so will destroy any hopes of you two growing old together because you will resent her eventually for this.

You can probably guess how I know all of this, right?
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Old 01-23-2019, 02:45 AM
 
2,254 posts, read 594,920 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?
It is fairly obvious that he needs professional help. Having no interest in doing anything is often a sign of depression. Do this first.

Don't list to the long detailed list of giving a deadline and ultimatums, because those don't apply here. The biggest problem is, most parents don't want to admit their child might have a mental health problem and need to seek professional help.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:16 AM
 
15 posts, read 13,661 times
Reputation: 65
Sorry for the late response but I had to go to work. I work long hours close to 70 hours a week so my responses will be far apart. I'm going to sleep after I write this. My stepson was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger. My wife refused to put him on medication for the fear of him becoming a "zombie". My wife is his biological parent. His father is a druggie and wasn't in his life. My son was very hyper when he was young but now is very calm. I have a feeling he has autism just by his actions. For instance, when we took him to a theme park he would go on the same ride over and over. He would throw a fit when we suggested another ride. He did that every time we went to a theme park or carnival. I believe repetitive behavior is one sign of autism. A few years ago when we lived in a two story house he would refuse to go upstairs without someone going up with him. We asked him why but he refused to answer.
I have a younger biological daughter that is living with us and she is just fine. She is doing excellent in school and has lots of friends. No, I didn't give her more attention. For the first 12 years of my son's life, we lived near his grandmother. When I tried playing with my son, she accused me of being too rough. I was very gentle with my stepson but in her mind I was out to hurt him since I wasn't his "biological father". She would call me lazy if I asked my son to do any chores. She would instill in my stepsons head that he was the black sheep of the family even though he probably got more attention than my daughter.
My son's best friend is his mother. He calls her into his room constantly to show her something such as a YouTube video or him playing a game. My daughter is actually getting mad that my wife doesn't spend much time with her because my stepson constantly interrupts.
I believe he needs medical help but I no longer have health insurance for him due to his age and I can't afford to pay cash. I make decent money but I'm in debt for student loans plus it's kind of expensive where I live relative to my income. (near Asheville, NC). Plus I believe my wife doesn't want him to go to a doctor or psychiatrists. We tried it twice when he was younger and both times they recommended medication and she refused. So there is a little more background. Hope that helps.
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Old 01-23-2019, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,934 posts, read 3,909,514 times
Reputation: 11061
He can be on your insurance until he is 26. Find out what you need to do to get him added back on. You will probably have to wait for an enrollment period, unfortunately, unless there is some extenuating circumstance.

He is 19 and can make his own medical decisions; this isn't up to your wife. Can you have a heart to heart talk with him, indicating that you are very concerned and asking him where he sees himself in one, two, five, ten years? What steps does he need to take to get there? Let him know that some counseling can help him get to where he wants and needs to be.
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Old 01-23-2019, 08:47 AM
 
3,920 posts, read 1,864,007 times
Reputation: 14868
So your wife is enabling this . Is it possible you all go to family counseling? Or even just you talk to a professional who can help guide you on how to help your wife and stepson?
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:15 AM
 
820 posts, read 444,902 times
Reputation: 1273
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
You might have to move.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rummage View Post
It is fairly obvious that he needs professional help. Having no interest in doing anything is often a sign of depression. Do this first.

Don't list to the long detailed list of giving a deadline and ultimatums, because those don't apply here. The biggest problem is, most parents don't want to admit their child might have a mental health problem and need to seek professional help.
Sadly, I agree with Hunterseat, if you really can't tolerate the behavior, you may just have to pack your bags. There is very little you can do as a stepparent in this situation. Biological parents often parent out of guilt and fail to consider the needs of the other members of the family. If you try to step up and pick up her slack on the parenting front, you will quickly be reminded in no uncertain terms that you are not this young man's father, both by the son and your wife.

It sounds like your wife has created a monster. If you keep bringing up your stepson's behavior, then your wife is just going to get defensive and blame you. Some counseling is definitely in order because the vast majority of marriages do not survive adult stepchildren in the home under these circumstances. It might be that you can get some concessions out of your wife that might make living at home with your stepson bearable.

I think ultimately your wife is going to have to make a decision about how much her marriage and child with you means to her. Yes parents have certain obligations to their children, but as a wife and mother of your child, she also has certain obligations to you and your daughter.
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:35 AM
 
13,008 posts, read 15,896,517 times
Reputation: 15097
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
He just sits at home playing video games. He doesn't have any friends or relationships.?
The video games and internet are his friends.
Get rid of both....if he didn't have video games to play all day he'd probably be doing something more constructive.
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:52 AM
 
594 posts, read 333,749 times
Reputation: 1620
From the OP's description, it does sound like the young man may have autism and throwing him out is mean because he will only be able to obtain minimum wage jobs. How could he pay rent and other expenses only earning a couple hundred bucks a week? Is it really that big of a burden having him live with you?
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:59 AM
 
16,471 posts, read 18,496,785 times
Reputation: 16336
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
Sorry for the late response but I had to go to work. I work long hours close to 70 hours a week so my responses will be far apart. I'm going to sleep after I write this. My stepson was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger. My wife refused to put him on medication for the fear of him becoming a "zombie". My wife is his biological parent. His father is a druggie and wasn't in his life. My son was very hyper when he was young but now is very calm. I have a feeling he has autism just by his actions. For instance, when we took him to a theme park he would go on the same ride over and over. He would throw a fit when we suggested another ride. He did that every time we went to a theme park or carnival. I believe repetitive behavior is one sign of autism. A few years ago when we lived in a two story house he would refuse to go upstairs without someone going up with him. We asked him why but he refused to answer.
I have a younger biological daughter that is living with us and she is just fine. She is doing excellent in school and has lots of friends. No, I didn't give her more attention. For the first 12 years of my son's life, we lived near his grandmother. When I tried playing with my son, she accused me of being too rough. I was very gentle with my stepson but in her mind I was out to hurt him since I wasn't his "biological father". She would call me lazy if I asked my son to do any chores. She would instill in my stepsons head that he was the black sheep of the family even though he probably got more attention than my daughter.
My son's best friend is his mother. He calls her into his room constantly to show her something such as a YouTube video or him playing a game. My daughter is actually getting mad that my wife doesn't spend much time with her because my stepson constantly interrupts.
I believe he needs medical help but I no longer have health insurance for him due to his age and I can't afford to pay cash. I make decent money but I'm in debt for student loans plus it's kind of expensive where I live relative to my income. (near Asheville, NC). Plus I believe my wife doesn't want him to go to a doctor or psychiatrists. We tried it twice when he was younger and both times they recommended medication and she refused. So there is a little more background. Hope that helps.
Repetitive behavior is one sign, but it cannot indicate autism without other signs.

Here are the things you can look for:

https://www.additudemag.com/autism-s...der-in-adults/

You may want to ask him to take the self-test. He may feel different, but not know why and it may help him if he understands himself better.
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Old 01-23-2019, 10:06 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,850 posts, read 4,551,958 times
Reputation: 20244
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
From the OP's description, it does sound like the young man may have autism and throwing him out is mean because he will only be able to obtain minimum wage jobs. How could he pay rent and other expenses only earning a couple hundred bucks a week? Is it really that big of a burden having him live with you?
Would you want to live with someone who literally reeks? And who does absolutely nothing except play videogames?

Besides:

Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
...what happens when you and your wife die?
Mean is allowing someone with a serious mental health issue to wind up homeless on the street because he never received a proper diagnosis or treatment, and was never signed up for SSI and other government services such as subsidized housing (which require an official diagnosis in order to be eligible). If this young man truly cannot work, he needs to be diagnosed as fully disabled for his own safety.
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