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Old 01-23-2019, 11:53 AM
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
13,164 posts, read 13,205,408 times
Reputation: 21327


Quit feeding him. Put locks on the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets and tell him to dumpster dive for half eaten hamburgers.

He'll figure it out.
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Old 01-23-2019, 12:54 PM
594 posts, read 335,570 times
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Originally Posted by Larry Caldwell View Post
Quit feeding him. Put locks on the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets and tell him to dumpster dive for half eaten hamburgers.

He'll figure it out.
That's heartless.
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Old 01-23-2019, 01:36 PM
Location: PNW, Aspen, NYCCPS & Meadow Lane
3,250 posts, read 4,336,335 times
Reputation: 11865
Depression can become a LIFESTYLE. Assuming you're for-real, what you've described is a classic case of Depression as a Way of Life.

Yes, the kid's got wiring problems. But far more than that, your wife and her mom seem to have been pruning-him-down, in order to make him into a household pet (apparently, they've succeeded).

Too, there may be more than you're admitting to yourself, in the way of stepfatherly hostility toward a male child.

In any event, a man his age needs to be having sex, several times a day (other than with Rosie Palm). By age 19, DH and I had calmed-down, and only needed it four or five times a day. We both came from horrible backgrounds, and having each other in that way, was fantastic therapy. The constant flow of good hormones, changed us mentally and physically (just as Mother Nature intended). Too, a man that age needs a lot of non-sexual exercise, too.

Hire him a personal trainer. Maybe, the trainer can become his lover. Happens a lot... Gender doesn't matter - whichever turns him on... Whether or not the Trainer becomes his lover, developing a hot body will lure SOMEBODY into your son's life. A person that age, needs an outlet - and hours and hours of intimate physical contact. This is particularly important, when a young man is not intellectually gifted - cannot throw himself into mentally-challenging work or intellectual pursuits.

Exercise can compensate for bad wiring. One of my favorite trainers, was diagnosed with ADD and Autism, as a kid. He also grew up with a constellation of mild physical deformities, due to his mom's drinking & smoking when he was conceived.

He still has mental deficiencies - very bad with words, and cannot grasp concepts like meter and rhyme, in music (and is astonished that I and my kids speak in a range of voices and accents, in addition to switching from French to Yiddish to German to Great Lakes English to Old Sicilian to RP English to Hebrew to Mississippi White Trash English to Modern Italian, in one conversation - when we can't even teach him to say 'Chimichanga').

And he had a horrible stepmother, and a horrible stepfather, and one bad grandfather. His siblings have all turned out to be total scum. But my Trainer, instead of smoking/drinking/drugging, held himself apart, and lifted weights - hour after hour after hour - skipping all the self-destructive/time-wasting activities favored by kids in his Working Class suburb, and just lifting, lifting, lifting, instead. He became an underwear supermodel, and now gets to hang out with, and travel with, people like me. (while his sister lives in an unheated garage, trading interracial sex for drugs, and his brother lies on a couch, vaping and playing video games). He's an extreme example of transformation. But you don't have to become one of the most beautiful men who've ever lived (he is), to make it on your looks. Just going from 'Couch Potato' to 'Fit-&-Hot', can open up a whole world of rewards and possibilities.

My Trainer went from being a troubled and persecuted kid (one who played video games to the exclusion of virtually everything else), to being a sunny, wonderful person whom wealthy people love having around. He's a puddle of sunshine, welcome in a great many VIP households. Exercise made the difference. If you can get your son started - in a way which does not make him feel "forced", then the transformation may be better than psychiatry and psychotropic drugs could produce.

And, while this is happening, maybe get him started toward an Autism-appropriate career: https://www.google.com/search?client...j0.WaKM4tu_1Qs

Last edited by GrandviewGloria; 01-23-2019 at 02:08 PM..
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Old 01-23-2019, 01:49 PM
7,705 posts, read 4,264,557 times
Reputation: 16677
One step at a time; it took twenty years to get there, he's not getting out over night. Remove the modem or router for a number of hours each day. It does not get reinstalled until personal hygiene and chores are taken care of and the son has spent some time outside the house even if it is just taking a walk for an hour. Then the time gets extended to include a part time job or even a period of volunteer work.

Build on small improvements until he can get a paying job and begin contributing to his existence.
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Old 01-23-2019, 02:29 PM
Location: Albany, NY
228 posts, read 127,995 times
Reputation: 630
Just get the kid to a doctor and get him a total physical and mental work up and take it from there. He can be on your insurance till age 26. If he wants to get better he will follow doctors suggestions. And mom needs to stop with the no meds thing. Depression is something that can be lived with as long as you have the proper medication.

GrandviewGloria.......All the sex in the world isn't going to fix this kid.
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Old 01-23-2019, 02:55 PM
15 posts, read 13,734 times
Reputation: 65
Me and my wife gave our son the ultimatum to get a job by July or be kicked out. My wife's boss offered him a job but he refused to take the position. I will probably go to court to file an eviction so that it will be legal. If he does have a mental illness, I don't think he is so incapacitated that he can't work. In the meantime I will try to find a counselor for him and/or the family. I'm also looking for a program or home that will help adult children with mental disabilities if we do kick him out. I do think my wife is enabling him. She cooks for him, does his laundry, brings his food to his room, take the garbage out of the room, and still does bedtime stories with him (no I'm not joking). When July comes, I'm still not sure my wife will allow her son to be kicked out regardless if he has shelter or not. She is kind of getting tired of him being so demanding. Constantly calling her to bring something such as a drink to his bedroom. He demands that we be quiet on the weekend so he can get some sleep. I hope she gets so frustrated at the stench and demands that he eventually throws him out. I know I don't want to take care of him for life. I believe he just doesn't want to grow up. Thanks for the replies.
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Old 01-23-2019, 02:56 PM
2,290 posts, read 609,518 times
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Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
Sadly, I agree with Hunterseat, if you really can't tolerate the behavior, you may just have to pack your bags. There is very little you can do as a stepparent in this situation. Biological parents often parent out of guilt and fail to consider the needs of the other members of the family. If you try to step up and pick up her slack on the parenting front, you will quickly be reminded in no uncertain terms that you are not this young man's father, both by the son and your wife.

It sounds like your wife has created a monster. If you keep bringing up your stepson's behavior, then your wife is just going to get defensive and blame you. Some counseling is definitely in order because the vast majority of marriages do not survive adult stepchildren in the home under these circumstances. It might be that you can get some concessions out of your wife that might make living at home with your stepson bearable.

I think ultimately your wife is going to have to make a decision about how much her marriage and child with you means to her. Yes parents have certain obligations to their children, but as a wife and mother of your child, she also has certain obligations to you and your daughter.
Moving solves nothing. The child will still have the mental health issue to deal with. This is just as cruel as abandoning a child because he or she is autistic. This is a mental health issue and needs to be dealt with by a professional. It doesn't have anything to do with biology vs. step-parents. Concerns for a blame game is a non-sequitur. There are plenty of people in blended families and their kids don't have these issues. The parents need to make an appoint to have him evaluated by a medical professional. But the vast majority of parents don't want to admit their child has a mental health problem, even though treatment could very well save their lives. Because they think this reflects badly on them, and the all too important concern over "What will the neighbors think?", which is just as meaningless about worrying who is going to be blamed.
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:16 PM
2,290 posts, read 609,518 times
Reputation: 3852
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
I believe he needs medical help but I no longer have health insurance for him due to his age and I can't afford to pay cash. I make decent money but I'm in debt for student loans plus it's kind of expensive where I live relative to my income. (near Asheville, NC). Plus I believe my wife doesn't want him to go to a doctor or psychiatrists. We tried it twice when he was younger and both times they recommended medication and she refused. So there is a little more background. Hope that helps.
It does. As for the financial part of this, I was talking to a friend of mine who is an MD. He is in an upscale practice. I asked him, how do patients get treated by him if they can't afford it. He said, patients before the appointment can call their business office and ask questions about costs. He told me, almost every doctor he knows of his installment payment plans at no cost to the patient. For example, an office visit out of pocket for him might be $140.00 he told me. He said a patient can call the business office and make arrangements to pay $25.00 a month automatically charged to a credit card or mail in a check each month. There is no additional fees or interest for doing this. He told him his accountant set this up for the practice many years ago, so this is built into the business model. They would rather have a patient be treated and pay monthly than go untreated because they can't afford it. Yeah, many doctors have a sign in their office that payment is due at the time of the service, but many also have installment plans. He also told me if the cost is too high for some people, but it is based on need, they have been known to reduce the cost of an office visit. Medical insurance these days are mostly for lower negotiated contract rates, which means the insurance company doesn't pay anything towards the bill anyway and is just lowers the cost to the patient. So some doctors will just do this for those who don't have insurance, but you will never really know until you try.

In other words, don't let money stop you from getting a professional's help.

As for concerns about not taking medication, after the evaluation you need to have a meeting with both of you with the doctor. This is assuming medication is even needed. Some types of medication have no side effects or are only for a short-period of time.

I know this is gonna sound harsh, but the two of you simply can't allow this child's life to be trashed because you don't want to take action to get him the professional help he needs. If a good trusted medical professional has a treatment, it simply must be followed. These suggestions on here by some sound like punishing a child for a medical condition sound absolutely medieval.

Years ago, I worked with a fellow who was a successful salesman. He told me when he was younger he had medical health problems, got treatment and now was fine. I almost couldn't believe him, because customers loved him and did so well at the company. He thanked his parents to making sure he got the help he needed.
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:22 PM
2,290 posts, read 609,518 times
Reputation: 3852
Originally Posted by GrandviewGloria View Post
Exercise can compensate for bad wiring.
Please provide us with medical citations of where this has been accomplished for mental health conditions.
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:24 PM
781 posts, read 599,045 times
Reputation: 2720
I wonder if there is a small business idea hidden in this problem

Something along the lines of .. Rent A Retired Gunnery Sgt for a month. 5am start time. Lots of water and mud...too. Might work. If the blob survives week one....
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