U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
Old 01-23-2019, 07:58 PM
11,830 posts, read 8,986,940 times
Reputation: 21783


I moved and it worked for me.
My son wasn't mental, though. I do help him with some bills. He's getting there!
Your wife is a roadblock to progress.
I agree with removing the electronics.
I'd tell him to put a bathing suit on and get his butt in the tub. I'd pour soap on him and scrub him with a long handled brush. No? Okay then do it yourself.
Sometimes things get so overwhelming it's hard for them to know where to begin.
I'm sure he feels better in order than in chaos.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 01-23-2019, 08:09 PM
820 posts, read 446,909 times
Reputation: 1273
Originally Posted by rummage View Post
The lad here needs to be recused and it doesn't matter who does it, provided it gets done. The wife doesn't want to admit there is a problem and doesn't want him to have meds, so that's very bad. I'd make an appointment without her if needed and take him in myself. Then have a meeting with her about it afterwards and insist she be involved if needed. She is just going to have to deal with it, while the OP doesn't allow his children's life to be trashed.
If his situation is like the typical stepfamily, he would face holy hell if he went behind the mom's back and did something like that. Also, his stepchild is an adult and has no reason to accept OP's help. It does not sound like there is any kind of positive relationship between the two.

I don't deny the kid needs help, but if the parent isn't willing to get the kid help, there is very little anyone is going to be able to do to help him. The fact that OP is a stepparent doesn't necessarily mean that he is in a better position than any stranger would be to give him help. Many parents are in deep denial when it comes to their children.

In fact, a stranger would probably be better able to get the kid help than OP. As a stepparent, if you try to help the kid it's viewed with suspicion. Stepchild resists your efforts. Mom feels like you're attacking the kid and gets defensive. So you back off and slink away with your tail between your legs and you learn to bite your tongue even though you know what is happening is wrong and is going to hurt the child in the long run.

The only time a step parent can do that kind of thing is if they have a strong relationship with the step child, and that is fairly rare. Only about 7% of stepchildren say they would like to have a relationship of any kind with their step parent. Most of the time there is lots of animosity, which is understandable, but makes it nearly impossible for the step parent to give any kind of help to the stepchild.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2019, 10:02 PM
Location: America's Expensive Toilet
1,362 posts, read 887,581 times
Reputation: 2976
Sounds like you need to have a long talk with the wife and/or get into some kind of family therapy. What parent reads bedtime stories to her 19 yr old son?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2019, 10:21 PM
223 posts, read 151,707 times
Reputation: 985
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Why aren't you taking him to a psychiatrist?
He doesn’t need a psychiatrist, he needs a kick in the butt. Cheaper, quicker and more effective.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-24-2019, 12:24 AM
4,455 posts, read 4,066,925 times
Reputation: 12677
From what you describe, it sounds as if the young man has mild to moderate autism, ADHD, and depression. They often go together. It is really too bad that your wife refused appropriate treatment for him when he was younger.

I don't know if this young man would ever be able to work and support himself. Right now, he certainly wouldn't. From what you are describing, he might very well qualify for SSI. That would give him about $740/month, enough to move out into a cheap apartment within an hour of you guys, plus he'd get food stamps, medicaid, and eventually, medicare. It's too bad to think that this is what his life would be, but at least you and your wife and your daughter could go on with your lives.

If you have health insurance through your work, he can be covered on it until he is 26. The only way that he would not be covered is if you don't have health insurance through your job, your income is too low to qualify for insurance through the exchange, and your state is one that didn't accept the medicaid expansion. From what you describe, it doesn't make sense that he doesn't have health insurance, unless all of you don't, and then that doesn't make sense, either.

You not only have a problem with your stepson, you have a marital problem, because your wife has blocked treatment for her son. Meanwhile, this affects you and your daughter (whom I assume is also your wife's child). You need to go to marriage counseling with your wife to come up with a plan for getting your stepson treatment, getting him into work or school, getting him out of the house. If your wife refuses, you really should think about at least a separation, and maybe a divorce. Living with this young man indefinitely is not what you want to do, I'm sure, and it doesn't sound as if it's a great situation for your daughter, either.

Please tell me that you don't keep guns in the house. Giving this young man access to firearms would be a disaster. Watch out for ways in which he might harm himself - lock up all medications.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-24-2019, 12:45 AM
7,660 posts, read 4,248,912 times
Reputation: 15923
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?
It sounds like severe depression...but I just read that you said he'd been diagnosed with something, and your wife wouldn't let him take the medications.

No friends, no drivers license, not caring about anything, not bathing or grooming. Sounds like depression to me. Intervention w/therapy, but I understand the financial situation. Something has to be done, for his own good. (Also, video games are addictive.)

I agree with other poster...there should be no guns in the house.

Does your wife work? Can she pay to have the son added to either your or her insurance? I know that won't be cheap. Maybe just for a year, while he gets therapy? Or medication? (If drs prescribe it, your wife has to allow it, or he has to agree. Otherwise, you have some decisions to make. You shouldn't have to live with the situation for the rest of your life because they refuse to do anything about it. He could really end up being unable to care for himself for the rest of his life, if he doesn't get serious help now.)

I feel for your situation. You have to live with it but haven't been allowed to do anything about it. There's something really wrong, though. I think a professional should be consulted. Not sure of what kind of professional. Psychiatrist, psychologist, a therapist... Maybe start with an experienced mental health care therapist. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-therapy

Last edited by bpollen; 01-24-2019 at 01:10 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-24-2019, 02:39 AM
Location: colorado springs, CO
6,128 posts, read 2,730,305 times
Reputation: 19347
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
Me and my wife gave our son the ultimatum to get a job by July or be kicked out. My wife's boss offered him a job but he refused to take the position. I will probably go to court to file an eviction so that it will be legal. If he does have a mental illness, I don't think he is so incapacitated that he can't work. In the meantime I will try to find a counselor for him and/or the family. I'm also looking for a program or home that will help adult children with mental disabilities if we do kick him out. I do think my wife is enabling him. She cooks for him, does his laundry, brings his food to his room, take the garbage out of the room, and still does bedtime stories with him (no I'm not joking). When July comes, I'm still not sure my wife will allow her son to be kicked out regardless if he has shelter or not. She is kind of getting tired of him being so demanding. Constantly calling her to bring something such as a drink to his bedroom. He demands that we be quiet on the weekend so he can get some sleep. I hope she gets so frustrated at the stench and demands that he eventually throws him out. I know I don't want to take care of him for life. I believe he just doesn't want to grow up. Thanks for the replies.
I've never said this before on "adult children" threads but something just isn't sitting right with me.

Leave him alone. Leave her alone.

You can't tell me she hasn't had some transition ideas along the way. Maybe they weren't good enough? Fast enough?

You've been waiting a while to get him out. What's the bolded about? You can't "put" him somewhere if he is a competent adult. Anyone who could "put" themselves into a residential facility wouldn't qualify for it. Is he disabled to the point where he needs guardianship? Holy crap. Is it easier on both of them that he stay in his room so there won't be friction?

Sorry, I'm tired right now. That family counselor is a good idea.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-24-2019, 04:41 AM
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
13,159 posts, read 13,201,928 times
Reputation: 21326
Originally Posted by rummage View Post
Please provide us with medical citations of where this has been accomplished for mental health conditions.
??? Exercise is standard treatment for depression. It's also impossible to be in good health without it, so two birds.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-24-2019, 07:20 AM
594 posts, read 335,402 times
Reputation: 1620
Females mature faster than males. Even "normal" 19-year old males are about the equivalent of a 16-year girl. I can't believe some people are suggesting he kick his stepson to the curb when he has mental problems/autism and unable to support himself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-24-2019, 07:58 AM
132 posts, read 68,503 times
Reputation: 287
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Hmmm....vague enough to assume things ...yet clear enough to conclude...without knowing details on this young adults education...any challenges...physical or mental.

My x husbands uncle never held a job...and didn't bath either. His education was limited. He sat home ..making ships in bottles. ...The kicker in all this is: He suffered from MS. He couldn't bath himself even if he wanted to! Yet he was a kind soul. And many folks could make assumptions just from the way a person limits information. So maybe the devil is in the details of what wasnt conveyed here. I'll leave it to you dear parent to either be a source of inspiration or be the straw that breaks the camels back. Since he is your step son I presume this is your current wifes' biological son? Is that fair to say?
BINGO...You nailed it...!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top