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I think the OP came here hoping that CD would pat her on the back for such a good find, give her a litany of reasons to throw at her daughters on why she should move, and that's it.
I think the OP's "picker" is broken and she has a habit of throwing herself into situations, assuming her problems are always coming from other people and places, not that she's the source.
She didn't hear what she wanted and has contradicted herself several times. I don't think half of what she's said, that was added after the OP, is true.
She's going to move to central NY, the girls be damned, because she can be who she thinks she wants to be there. In 4 years, they won't be her problem anymore. Maybe she'll even be able to unload the older one on her probably-not-medicated, probably-wasn't-abusive ex-husband.
How about just admitting you misunderstood or overlooked what she said? YOU thought he was a stranger to her...someone she'd only communicated with online or something. Did you not JUST SEE that she said she works in the legal system, and she HAS done thorough back ground checks, AND she's met his family and friends? I mean...you JUST quoted her.
Yes, there will be challenges. Seems like OP is fairly aware of that. But he's not a stranger to her. Let's not throw in problems that arent there.
Facts are people need to be careful these days and
I'm sure you would agree .
I couldn't help notice that OP once again declined to answer the simple question of how long she's known this man. I can only assume it's a short period of time or it wouldn't be problematic to answer.
Under the circumstances of multiple failed marriages, I would respectfully suggest that knowing someone for a minimum of a year before discussing marriage would be wise. And in this case, given the long distance nature of the relationship, I'd actually say it should be double that - 2 years to truly get to know someone, make sure they are who they say they are in terms of their character and to prove completely that this relationship is the real deal. If it is, 2 years would be a drop in the bucket of a lifetime together. And if it's not? Well, obviously better to learn before uprooting her and her daughters' lives.
Unfortunately, I suspect that OP just wanted validation for what she already intends to do, and despite lots of well meaning advice to the contrary, she's going to go ahead and do it anyway.
So...you started seeing him before your most recent divorce?
Well, I'm SURE she would never cheat. It's not like she makes a habit of putting her own satisfaction above anyone else's needs.
And I'm SURE that her ex husband who yelled and stormed around wasn't doing that because she was looking outside of her marriage for "a friend." He was just mad for no reason and that was terrifying for her and her daughters (who FEARED HIM and his violence and abuse and size) and she called the police, who made note of the agitation but didn't arrest him or remove him or support some kind of restraining order against him. She feared for their safety but he's not SO bad that she can't let him take the girls, even though they're not his children... only the younger one isn't much interested so she doesn't. The older one is probably fine... good mothers voluntarily send their children for visits with abusive men who aren't related to them even though there isn't even a court order that compels them to, don't they? I mean, he's PROBABLY taking medication. I mean, he says so and he's a man to trust.
I'm sure she'll be along shortly to explain how dead wrong you are. She was divorced on November 30th, 2017, tyvm, and it's not cheating to just TALK to someone else when her husband is making her feel so unloved, and she didn't even meet him in person until April break of 2018!
Or something like that... we're all very modern and accepting now. It wasn't cheating; it was OVERLAP, if you could even call it THAT. They were only TALKING, ffs! Her ex has mental issues and was just always a super-jealous, controlling person. Very selfish- that's why he married a woman with two small children and raised them as his own and sees the older one regularly even though no one is compelled to do so.
My best friend married 3 times. Her third husband (20+ years ago) treats her like a queen, she doesn't even pump her own gas. The children and grandchildren love him. I'm so happy for all of them. She finally got the good guy.
As for waiting until the girls are graduated before moving, sometimes the new school, new friends, new opportunities are even better. It was for my kids. Two of them even met their spouses in the new state and obviously they're very thankful that we moved back then.
Waiting until they have graduated has its own issues. They are more anchored in the other city, away from mom, with no home base. They could very well feel abandoned.
Bottom line is that it's up to the adults to make these types of decisions. It's fine to get feedback from the kids, but let them know that you'll decide. No one can 100% predict the future, you just get as much info as you can before you decide. I really like the fact that you've vacationed together plus stayed at his home and the girls have their own rooms.
I hope the OP comes back in a year or two to let us know what she decided and how it worked out. I fall heavily on the side of the "wait" crowd, having experienced a similar trajectory to the OP. There is a chance she will move the kids and it will all work out; however, there is at least an equal chance that it will all crash and burn. If the girls don't want to move, there is a possibility they will create drama and put added stress on the situation. If it were me, and hindsight being 20/20, I would wait the 4 years until they are out of school....and if the relationship is truly as good as she feels it is, it will last through those 4 years. The families can continue spending time/vacations together over those years and get to know one another better. Just my opinion.
It was a simple oversight as I don't have hours to read everything. Believe me been a learning experience.
15 months... There is the answer.
Thank you for answering - the question had been asked several times by several different people so it had seemed like a deliberate choice not to answer and not missing one single question in one single post.
15 months is longer than I was expecting, but I stand by what I said earlier anyway. Your boyfriend may be a very good man, and everything you think that he is. I truly hope that's the case. But the unfortunate reality is that you have a track record of picking bad partners. Where is the harm in slowing things down to make sure that this relationship is really going to stand the test of time before you start making life altering choices for you and your daughters?
You've had a vacation relationship with this man. You've spent short periods of time together, not regular, day to day life.
For the love of all that's holy, don't move for him until your kids are of age. If you do insist on moving, move to you OWN place, not in with him.
You could risk trying to live together for the first time in a new state if you were single with no kids. But you have kids that you need to protect. Moving somewhere where you likely have a limited support system should things go bad gives you no easy escape route.
One of my oldest friends just did this. She knew a guy for a short period of time (with kids, 15 months is short) and moved to be with him. He seemed like a great guy. She quickly found out that he was abusive - she had no clue or wouldn't have moved. She lasted 3 months before the abuse turned to her children, so she had to return to her parents' home out of state - but not before finding out she was pregnant. It's a mess, and one that her kids will not soon recover from. Your kids are already struggling from your failed relationships. Learn to be alone for awhile.
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