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^^Let me just throw this out here. Who among us, as parents, has never done something just to keep our kid(s) from having a meltdown?
Depends what you mean. Did I have a routine that allowed for ample play, food, rest? Sure. Did I ever just give in to something stupid to keep my kids from having a meltdown? No. Wonder why it did not take the kids long to figure out that meltdowns weren't good for much? Had to respond to an active meltdown? Sure.
Yes, I’ve witnessed this with my family. I think it’s very inappropriate regardless of age. Every kid deserves to feel special on their birthday without someone stealing the spotlight. Is this becoming a trend giving a small gift to a sibling as well when it’s not their birthday? Kids need to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them and be happy for others celebrating milestones such as birthdays
Depends what you mean. Did I have a routine that allowed for ample play, food, rest? Sure. Did I ever just give in to something stupid to keep my kids from having a meltdown? No. Wonder why it did not take the kids long to figure out that meltdowns weren't good for much? Had to respond to an active meltdown? Sure.
Same. Of COURSE our three children had meltdowns sometimes... if it was in a public place, I'd remove my child from hurting the ears of others. And tell my child that. We'd sit in the car or stand off, far enough away outside, that we weren't interrupting other people. In the summer, I'd turn on the car's AC and keep the windows shut so the parking lot didn't echo with it, and put in my earplugs. They could flail and kick and scream while I looked off into the distance, occasionally asking if they were done. Playdate, party, grocery store, doctor's office, etc. "We can't go back in until you can control yourself. You get to have all your feelings but you don't get to inflict that on everyone else. Done, now? Okay." They stopped tantruming, soon enough.
It's possible - and imo "best practice" - to not give in. This works for every child, with only slight modifications, whether the child is typical or not. Autism, Down's, and JPBs. (Just Plain Brats.) My son is autistic... I often would interrupt his tantrums to explain that he was looking dehydrated from all the tears and sweating and snotting and blubbering, and we'd have to go to the hospital for hours and hours to get an IV (needle!) put in unless he drank some water and started to try calming down. Once he calmed down, we'd talk about it... age appropriately. Sometimes, he'd restart... but eventually, he learned that the best way to get his way or anything resembling it, was certainly NOT to throw a tantrum. "Well, we WOULD have been able to do that... but now there's no time because we've been waiting here, for you to stop crying. We have to go home now." SUCH disappointment. Sadness. Anger... but at himself. He knew that he'd brought it on himself. If, on another occasion, it started, I'd remind him about what happened before and if he really wanted to do that again.
Parenting is tedious but very important, especially early on.
Depends what you mean. Did I have a routine that allowed for ample play, food, rest? Sure. Did I ever just give in to something stupid to keep my kids from having a meltdown? No. Wonder why it did not take the kids long to figure out that meltdowns weren't good for much? Had to respond to an active meltdown? Sure.
Frankly, I think ClaraC is right when she says "ALL of us have done something to try to ward off a tantrum. Parents who haven't tried to ward off a public tantrum are clueless." Anyone who claims otherwise is fooling themselves. Sometimes allowing for "ample play, food, rest" doesn't do the trick. It's not going to lead a child into a life of crime or whatever to bend your rigid rules once in a while. Do you really want a meltdown at a birthday party for your other child?
It's not "stupid" to give the other child something from say, Dollar Tree, to keep them amused at their sibling's birthday party.
Frankly, I think ClaraC is right when she says "ALL of us have done something to try to ward off a tantrum. Parents who haven't tried to ward off a public tantrum are clueless." Anyone who claims otherwise is fooling themselves. Sometimes allowing for "ample play, food, rest" doesn't do the trick. It's not going to lead a child into a life of crime or whatever to bend your rigid rules once in a while. Do you really want a meltdown at a birthday party for your other child?
It's not "stupid" to give the other child something from say, Dollar Tree, to keep them amused at their sibling's birthday party.
The birthday party IS the amusement. If they're just not able to participate, they either shouldn't be there (like go kart racing for teenagers when you have a 3 year old) or given something else to do. They can do something else... color, watch a movie, blow bubbles, help you set up or clean up in small ways they're able to do... but to give them a gift and call it that so they'll behave? Huh? No.
The birthday party IS the amusement. If they're just not able to participate, they either shouldn't be there (like go kart racing for teenagers when you have a 3 year old) or given something else to do. They can do something else... color, watch a movie, blow bubbles, help you set up or clean up in small ways they're able to do... but to give them a gift and call it that so they'll behave? Huh? No.
Yeah, that's a great idea. Just make the kid skip the party. /s
Same. Of COURSE our three children had meltdowns sometimes... if it was in a public place, I'd remove my child from hurting the ears of others. And tell my child that. We'd sit in the car or stand off, far enough away outside, that we weren't interrupting other people. In the summer, I'd turn on the car's AC and keep the windows shut so the parking lot didn't echo with it, and put in my earplugs. They could flail and kick and scream while I looked off into the distance, occasionally asking if they were done. Playdate, party, grocery store, doctor's office, etc. "We can't go back in until you can control yourself. You get to have all your feelings but you don't get to inflict that on everyone else. Done, now? Okay." They stopped tantruming, soon enough.
Same. This topic comes up on parenting boards. The standard argument against such a smart and practical approach is but what if there is something you HAVE to do. And then the examples of how a parent's whole world is going to fall apart and the rest of the Earth with it come in. I felt that this element of training was more important that pretty much anything short of a trip to the ER for a dying patient. Since that never happened, and the meltdown phase ended pretty quickly when it became evident that it did nothing, it's a win.
Quote:
It's possible - and imo "best practice" - to not give in. This works for every child, with only slight modifications, whether the child is typical or not. Autism, Down's, and JPBs. (Just Plain Brats.) My son is autistic... I often would interrupt his tantrums to explain that he was looking dehydrated from all the tears and sweating and snotting and blubbering, and we'd have to go to the hospital for hours and hours to get an IV (needle!) put in unless he drank some water and started to try calming down. Once he calmed down, we'd talk about it... age appropriately. Sometimes, he'd restart... but eventually, he learned that the best way to get his way or anything resembling it, was certainly NOT to throw a tantrum. "Well, we WOULD have been able to do that... but now there's no time because we've been waiting here, for you to stop crying. We have to go home now." SUCH disappointment. Sadness. Anger... but at himself. He knew that he'd brought it on himself. If, on another occasion, it started, I'd remind him about what happened before and if he really wanted to do that again.
Parenting is tedious but very important, especially early on.
Frankly, I think ClaraC is right when she says "ALL of us have done something to try to ward off a tantrum. Parents who haven't tried to ward off a public tantrum are clueless." Anyone who claims otherwise is fooling themselves.
Why do people do this? Someone can tell you in good faith that they didn't. But you know better, right?
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Sometimes allowing for "ample play, food, rest" doesn't do the trick. It's not going to lead a child into a life of crime or whatever to bend your rigid rules once in a while. Do you really want a meltdown at a birthday party for your other child?
Of course ample, food, play and rest does not do the trick because not all tantrums are a result of basic needs being met. But I will tell you that investing in not caving to a tantrum ever is a great investment in having them never to return. And, in my opinion, it is a service and benefit to the little kid. The basic assumption, a correct one, is that the kids CAN learn to control themselves and do when they know it is in their best interest. I don't hold nothing growing up into a life of crime as a gold standard. Bending the rules is awesome, necessary and really important. But not around this issue. Especially when it is soooooo easy to completely eradicate.
Yeah, that's a great idea. Just make the kid skip the party. /s
You are not "making" the kid miss the party. You are putting control of attending the party entirely into their hands. Capable hands.
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The birthday party IS the amusement. If they're just not able to participate, they either shouldn't be there (like go kart racing for teenagers when you have a 3 year old) or given something else to do. They can do something else... color, watch a movie, blow bubbles, help you set up or clean up in small ways they're able to do... but to give them a gift and call it that so they'll behave? Huh? No.
