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Has your husband considered volunteering to be a Big Brother? Cub Scout leader, perhaps? Teach Sunday School? Coach t-ball or some other young child activity? Volunteer at a public elementary school, tutoring or doing whatever he does best that is relevant to helping kids learn?
Does he have any significant experience being with little children for several hours at a stretch? Is he an uncle, or cousin to young kids?
If yes is the answer to any of these questions, he would be likely to have a more realistic view of what children are like and how to best relate to and communicate with them. But he wouldn't have the joys of early morning bottles, diaper changes, colic, and temper tantrums (well, possibly temper tantrums). Those are reserved for primary caregivers.
Or does he just think he wants a child because they're cute?
Having kids turns your life upside down and, if you didn't really, really, really want them, not in a good way. Parents like to say it's worth it, which it may be if you really, really, really wanted kids and if they turn out the way you hoped. If not, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and regret. Once you have them, there is no going back. You will be a parent for the rest of your life. Think long and hard!!
It's easy for a man to want kids because the raising and every day work mostly falls on the women.
Yup that is so very true.Childcare needs to be a 50/50 thing with both parents and it's rarely ever so.Men want the children but majority of the responsibility of those children always falls on the mothers.
Has your husband considered volunteering to be a Big Brother? Cub Scout leader, perhaps? Teach Sunday School? Coach t-ball or some other young child activity? Volunteer at a public elementary school, tutoring or doing whatever he does best that is relevant to helping kids learn?
Does he have any significant experience being with little children for several hours at a stretch? Is he an uncle, or cousin to young kids?
If yes is the answer to any of these questions, he would be likely to have a more realistic view of what children are like and how to best relate to and communicate with them. But he wouldn't have the joys of early morning bottles, diaper changes, colic, and temper tantrums (well, possibly temper tantrums). Those are reserved for primary caregivers.
Or does he just think he wants a child because they're cute?
He has a nephew with who he probably meets once every year, one or two day at most, when he visits his sister’s family. I never saw him with any kid alone. Neither do I. We both have little experience with kids, if not zero.
"He tried persuading me by saying that...I would love our baby because he/she will look like a mini me."
That is the dumbest reason to have a kid. If you don't want a kid, do not have a kid. Do not make a kid pay for it when you resent anything about them because you didn't want them. You don't even have to say anything to the kid, kids know. Trust me on this one...they know.
I get exhausted just watching parents with their kids, even for short times in the grocery store when the kid is having an all out tantrum, the mom looks exhausted and depleted...you have to want to have a kid to endure that.
As for him "doing most of the work", that's not how it works. You both have to put in a lot of work. If you don't want to, don't have a kid.
It is not abnormal for people not to have kids. You don't need to live your life the way society tells you is "normal". We have all kinds of people in this society.
If you are selfish with your time, if you don't want to put yourself through the 9 months, if you don't want to deal with sleep deprivation, crying, screaming, nasty diapers, snot, jam hands, more crying, more tantrums, massive loads of laundry, preparation of every single meal (no more skipping because you just don't feel like it), dropping your kid off, picking your kid up for school, activities, appointments, the extra time it takes you to do anything because you have a kid that you need to take with you, put in a car seat, get out of a car seat, argue with them over putting their shoes on, watching them meltdown in the parking lot because they don't want to put their shoes on, freaking out when you give them a piece of cheese that they just declared their love for yesterday but today they hate it, crying about having to go to bed, take a bath, do their homework....etc. and do that for 18 fricken years with no break, do. not. have. a. kid.
You say that your options are: give in and have a kid that you don't want, or face a possible divorce that will cause you great pain, and you think you might have one just to avoid that. If that doesn't say, "don't have a kid" because you're using the kid as a tool before they even take their very first breath in this world, then I don't know what does.
No, I really don’t think that. Maybe a better way to explain it is, women who raised kids are like soldiers, and those who didn’t choose to are conscientious objectors.
I'm not sure what "paid my dues" means, but as a female who does not have kids because I don't want to, I don't take any offense to anything that you've said. Frankly, I don't care one bit what anyone thinks of my decision. It's not their life, it's not for them to say. If someone did feel that they were superior to me, what do I care? I'm still happy with my decision, so an others opinion about that means little to me. I don't consider anything you have said as "offensive" - it makes no difference in my life. To me, it's like me saying that I'm proud to be a veteran, and it is definitely a far different experience than anyone who has never done it, but I certainly don't think I'm better than anyone because of it.
No, I really don’t think that. Maybe a better way to explain it is, women who raised kids are like soldiers, and those who didn’t choose to are conscientious objectors.
Ok. I’m going to leave it alone for now. I’ve already accidentally made my coworker cry today, so I don’t need any more conflict.
I am not going to read through all the replies. I don't think a person who does not want to have a baby should have one. That said, HAVING the baby was the easy part for me. I loved being pregnant. I was on happy hormones the entire time. Had to have two C-sections so births were not a big deal for me. Diapers didn't bother me at all. Even when my kids would go 10 days without going and then go a huge one. lol
What IS hard are my kids. I love them with all my heart but in the deck, I got dealt two difficult kids. My older daughter has major ADHD and life with her is HARD. My younger one is just kind of difficult. So aside from all the diapers and all of that, you have a PERSON to deal with. I know people who got two easy kids in the kid lottery. I just wasn't one of them.
I know another woman who has a two daughters that both have a debilitating illness and one of them has ADHD on top it. They often don't go to school and when they do, she has to go pick them up because they can't make it through the day. You have to be all in.
Except that isn’t true for everyone, and that is the problem. I have certainly known people who had parents who didn’t really want kids, or who were married to people with a mom or dad who really didn’t want kids. They could absolutely tell. There is no guarantee that this magical moment will happen, particularly if a person goes into parenthood not really wanting to have kids.
I have some friends who say if they were to do it again, they aren’t sure they would have done it. Of course they love their kids, but it wasn’t necessarily a positive experience for them.
Well, it cuts both ways. There are people who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant who come to love parenting.
I think that if a person suffers anxiety about becoming a parent she should try to identify where the anxiety is coming from. She, and her partner, should devote serious thought to becoming a parent. And, of course, I do agree that people who know in their hearts they do not want to become a parent should make sure that they never do.
But I can also envision someone who has grown old, and who suffers pangs of regret at never having had a child. (And I am not talking about people who wish they had adult kids to take care of them, now that they are old! That is a poor reason for having offspring.)
I had a friend who felt the same way you did. She finally gave in, mainly with the same thoughts you have about losing your husband. By the time their son was a year old she told us she wishes she could go back and kick her old self in the butt for feeling that way. Once the baby arrived and they settled into their routine, she said she loved it and loves their son and has no idea what she was worried about. Said she's very happy she gave in. But she said they have agreed their won't be a second. They're both happy with their son.
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