Mother in law regularly touches my son’s penis over clothes (child care, legally)
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I used to hold onto my kids by the diaper if I was trying to get them to hold still. If you hold an arm or shoulder, they can still turn the rest of the body, or drop down and place all their body weight on the arm and cause a dislocation. The diaper is like a pillow over everything, you can't feel anything inside.
I have no clue about the tapping thing, I'd have to see that to judge it.
Since you mentioned this is your nephew and not your own child, I'll ask if you have kids of your own yet. I think that changes your perspective on what's normal, since young kids have to have the diaper changed by their caregiver, and depending on how messy they are, sometimes you have to do some really thorough cleaning. So that area doesn't seem sexual to the parent/caregiver, just the same way that if you're caring for your elderly, incontinent parent and have to change a diaper, there's nothing sexual about cleaning their genitals and applying rash creams, even if it's your parent of the opposite gender. With a child, as they become more independent using the toilet, dressing themselves and taking baths, the parent doesn't have to do as much and cleaning that area becomes solely the child's responsibility, but that's a gradual process.
Also, my oldest wasn't toilet trained until she was almost four, and my nephew is still having frequent accidents at that age. Neither one has been neglected or abused, they just did things on their own timetable and there was no way to get them trained sooner.
Thanks, everyone. This post was slightly disingenuous in that this is not my son. He is my nephew. His father is a heroin addict who recently began using again when his son was 2.5. My mother-in-law always watched my nephew before my brother in law relapsed, but now she has him more often and he sleeps over (he never used to) because it’s easier for her to not have to drive him back to his mother who now has sole custody each night. My brother in law is only allowed to see my nephew under supervision of my MIL. I raised these concerns to my husband, who witnessed the penis tapping and has seen a photo of my MIL holding my nephew by his crotch. My husband says that the patting is uncomfortable but no big deal, and no one needs to say anything. My husband also slept in bed with his mother while his father was exiled (because he snores) to another room until my husband was around 7. This woman is very bizarre behaviorally in other ways, but all these “clues” are falling together and my gut does tell me that something is deeply wrong, but my husband doesn’t want me to say anything. I do not have the kind of a relationship with my sister in law or my brother in law where we talk about this or anything else. Family interactions are exclusively mediated (including conversations when everyone is in the same room) through my MIL. She answers questions directed to other people in the room and inserts herself into social situations that she was not invited to. I interpret this all as a desperate need to control information, and prevent the kind of conversation that might lead to my in-laws and I talking about how her behavior is inappropriate, but again, what kind of proof is there?
It wasn't "slightly disingenuous" it was a lie. Makes me wonder how truthful the rest of the post is.
So I was being disingenuous by saying this is my son. It is my nephew. I just needed to strip out all the other complexities of the scenario to see what sane and rational people would do in this situation. My brother in law is a heroin addict who was clean for about 10 years until he relapsed when our nephew was 2.5. (Now 3). BIL can now only see our nephew when my MIL (his mom) is present. MIL always watched nephew in the past, but she has him longer and overnights now because she doesn’t want to have to drive to drop him off at his mothers (about 40 min away - BIL used to pick him up on his way from work) just to pick him up again in the morning, so she keeps him 3 days/nights straight through. My BIL’s partner is a very passive person who has a drinking problem and seems okay being away from her son for half the week, so I’m not sure she would listen to me if I raised this concern. Additionally, my husband, who observed the penis patting and agreed it was “uncomfortable” dismisses my concerns about the well-being of our nephew and asked me not to say anything. My husband also slept in the bed with his mother until about the age 7 because he had night terrors (again, a childhood thing that many kids have but more kids who have been molested have them), while his father (my FIL) was exiled from the room, supposedly due to his snoring. My MIL also exhibits a variety of other bizarre behaviors - she behaves like a child in some instances, has no friends, does not allow her husband to have friends, is suspicious of outsiders, does not have a relationship with her brother who is still living and barely had one with her other brother who drank himself to death. She inserts herself into family social situations that she is not invited to, and mediated all family interaction, including conversation between family members by answering questions addressed to other people. I interpret this as a way to control the narrative and be sure no one can have a conversation about her when she is not present.
I do have a gut feeling and I am deeply concerned as these “clues” keep adding up; however, I have a long history of a strained relationship with her (on account of the additional problematic behaviors just described) and my husband thinks I am overreacting to a recent photo of my MIL holding our nephew in place by the crotch, and he has asked me not to say anything.
It wasn't "slightly disingenuous" it was a lie. Makes me wonder how truthful the rest of the post is.
Well, it’s all true, but you can clearly see the different responses based on my identity. Nothing else is different, but since I’m not his mother now some people are saying it’s not a big deal. I trust the initial response more.
Hi there, I am hoping to get some input on a behavior my mother in law exhibits that makes me uncomfortable. She is a primary care giver for my son (3 yrs old) and she spends 3 overnight days of the week caring for him because her son(the father) is not in the picture anymore. She regularly makes contact with his penis when I and other adults are present. For example, when he is sitting on her lap, she will absentmindedly tap his penis through his diaper and pants repeatedly. The way one might pet a dog on its head. She also makes difficult to understand choices such as holding him in place by his crotch in an effort to get him to stand still for photos. Why not hold him by the arm or shoulder? I am beginning to think she thinks it’s appropriate to touch his penis in contexts outside of bathing and changing -he is still in diapers, and demonstrates resistance to going to the bathroom even in his diaper, which I’ve read is a behavior that could be explained by any number of things, but is also a behavior observed with greater frequency in children who have been or are being molested. She is keen to explain this away by saying that he prefers not to be interrupted during his play or eating times and thus chooses to hold his bowel movements, which I guess is plausible. My question is how would you address this behavior with your mother-in-law and is my discomfort which is evolving into serious concern an over-reaction or warranted?
I know what that looks like, and this was not it. It was compulsive almost - definitely not checking quickly for wetness.
Apparently you’ve already made up your mind that she’s doing something nefarious so why bother asking us?
If you are so convinced that she’s molesting your nephew why haven’t you alerted the authorities? If you see something.... say something. You’re doing a disservice to that child if he’s being molested and you say nothing. Make it your business!
Personally I wouldn’t poll a bunch of strangers on the internet if I thought a child was in danger. The ball is your court..... what are you going to do?
Hi there, I am hoping to get some input on a behavior my mother in law exhibits that makes me uncomfortable. She is a primary care giver for my son (3 yrs old) and she spends 3 overnight days of the week caring for him because her son(the father) is not in the picture anymore. She regularly makes contact with his penis when I and other adults are present. For example, when he is sitting on her lap, she will absentmindedly tap his penis through his diaper and pants repeatedly. The way one might pet a dog on its head. She also makes difficult to understand choices such as holding him in place by his crotch in an effort to get him to stand still for photos. Why not hold him by the arm or shoulder? I am beginning to think she thinks it’s appropriate to touch his penis in contexts outside of bathing and changing -he is still in diapers, and demonstrates resistance to going to the bathroom even in his diaper, which I’ve read is a behavior that could be explained by any number of things, but is also a behavior observed with greater frequency in children who have been or are being molested. She is keen to explain this away by saying that he prefers not to be interrupted during his play or eating times and thus chooses to hold his bowel movements, which I guess is plausible. My question is how would you address this behavior with your mother-in-law and is my discomfort which is evolving into serious concern an over-reaction or warranted?
Your instincts are giving you the answer already. Trust them and do what is necessary.
Well, it’s all true, but you can clearly see the different responses based on my identity. Nothing else is different, but since I’m not his mother now some people are saying it’s not a big deal. I trust the initial response more.
I'm not saying it's not a big deal only because you're not the mother. I'm saying taking care of a little kid's bottom is a lot of what the mother and other caregivers do. If you don't have kids of your own yet, you may not realize how much time is spent on bottom care, until they get old enough to learn to take care of their own bottom.
And holding onto a kid by the bottom or pelvis is not weird at all, when you carry them on your hip, you have to hold onto their bottom. When you sit them on your lap, if they start wiggling, you have to hold onto the bottom so they don't fall off. When you pick them up, you can hold them under the arms for a little while, but if you're holding them very long, you have to support their bottoms.
I'll be honest, I don't pick up my nephew anymore because he only wears leggings, no diaper or underwear, and it feels awkward and too personal to hold onto his bottom region in any way. But with my own kids, when they wore diapers, that was just how I held them when I picked them up.
From the sound of it, you dislike your mother in law so much that anything she does seems wrong and suspicious to you. She may be a terrible person who makes everyone in the family miserable, but that doesn't mean she's molesting your nephew. And with a father who's a heroin addict and a mother who's an alcoholic, that little boy needs other adults in his life who are willing to care for him. If you report MIL, even if she's not doing anything improper, she's not going to be able to be around him for a while. Are you going to fill in for her? Or will drunk mommy be the only one taking care of him? And if his mother depends on your MIL for childcare so she's able to work, you'll be taking that support away from her, which could be devastating. I'm not saying you shouldn't report her, if you're absolutely sure she's molesting him. I'm just saying you need to be really sure before you tear their lives apart.
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