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Pardon me if this is a dumb or not well posed question, but has anyone in the family taken an honest, long, hard look at whether this kid is actually getting any real attention from anyone on a regular basis?
In some states leaving a child that age unsupervised is a crime, at the very least it's incredibly unwise unless the child has demonstrated a high level of responsibility for their age.
In some states leaving a child that age unsupervised is a crime, at the very least it's incredibly unwise unless the child has demonstrated a high level of responsibility for their age.
Unsupervised? At 9-1/2, a kid decides to ride his bike around the neighborhood, say, maybe biking over to a friends' house, then they both bike onward together for 1 hr. total, and you say it's a crime in some states? There must be a fair number of criminal parents in those states, then.
Why would it be a crime, I wonder. What's the reasoning, there? And what's the cutoff age? What about the kid who just assaulted an intruder with a machete, because he was left home alone for hours, and his dad instructed him to attack intruders with a deadly weapon? No one has arrested the parents for leaving the kid alone or appointing him to be an armed security guard.
As the title says, my 9 1/2 year old step son just got picked up by the police for Vandalism. Has been suspended from school before and regularly sees a counselor, his parents are currently fighting for custody with a trial in July.
FACTS are:
Spray painted cars on private property
Broke window of garage where cars were stored, unlocked
Scraped at least one vehicle with knife found on property
Spraypainted curse words on driveway
Broke box of light bulbs found in a vehicle
All I can think of is the kid needs to go where he will be held strictly accountable for his actions. Where? I don't know but unless there is strong intervention he might well continue down a dangerous path
To me it sounds like your step son is looking for a combination of one on one attention from an older figure (hence him following an older boy who is clearly not a good influence on him) and guidance for his life so far. His parents are split up and his inbetween two families; everything in his life is split up and divided so that he can't get too comfortable before getting shuffled back and forth.
Children his age aren't typically looking for trouble, just acceptance and fun wrapped up in stability. Right now it sounds like he doesn't get a lot of that. He really does need a solid mentor like individual in his life and a good stable group of friends to point his behavior in the right way rather than encourage his current behavior.
I wouldn't look at Scouts as a punishment, but he absolutely needs an activity group of some kind to bond with and learn proper ways of dealing with boredom. If he likes sports maybe look at getting him involved in a summer league or a club. This summer maybe check up some day camps or plan a camping trip with other boys and fathers from your church. Don't allow him to just come up with "fun" himself or rely on irresponsible neighborhood hooligans to invite him (they will seek him out and use him for their own agenda if they can).
You can't change his parents behavior and you don't need to overstep any boundaries you might sense, but maybe set aside special time with him one-on-one every time when he comes to your home. I believe that boys need as much support and help from every man in their life and this child needs all the extra attention and love that might be falling through the cracks. Support and love him, let him know why your upset he did what he did and suggest you both work to make sure he doesn't do this again. He's only 9 which again, I feel signals this was more about wanting to fit in and look cool/older than actual desire to cause mischief.
I don't understand why a step-parent can't be a disciplinarian. Does the bio dad want to be the "authoritative" one, or something? What does the mom say about you taking a more active parenting role? This is pretty serious; someone has to take a stand, and it shouldn't be the mom, who's only searching for rationalizations. She seems to be part of the problem.
Still, we don't know what the courts are going to dish out, so we'll have to wait and see about that.
And it sounds like the other kid instigated it? Is he the same age, or older?
What about this counselor. Do you feel any progress is being made? Maybe it's time to consider switching to a different counselor? Maybe -- someone who's skilled at doing anger and trauma work?
What kind of "just normal boy behavior" does he constantly get caught in?
wherever and whenever I intervene Mom tends to disrupt it, been discussed multiple times and on occasion she will allow my to set the tone, the way I do with the girls. We disagree. I'm much more praise when good and pray when bad, but Mom naturally runs interference and he knows it so our relationship is not "You have to listen to me" more talk to me buddy dont lie to your parents.
He lies to get out of trouble, curses with his friends, half asses cleaning, etc.
He is also the only person in the house that will ask if you need help with anything. There is still good in him.
To me it sounds like your step son is looking for a combination of one on one attention from an older figure (hence him following an older boy who is clearly not a good influence on him) and guidance for his life so far. His parents are split up and his inbetween two families; everything in his life is split up and divided so that he can't get too comfortable before getting shuffled back and forth.
Children his age aren't typically looking for trouble, just acceptance and fun wrapped up in stability. Right now it sounds like he doesn't get a lot of that. He really does need a solid mentor like individual in his life and a good stable group of friends to point his behavior in the right way rather than encourage his current behavior.
I wouldn't look at Scouts as a punishment, but he absolutely needs an activity group of some kind to bond with and learn proper ways of dealing with boredom. If he likes sports maybe look at getting him involved in a summer league or a club. This summer maybe check up some day camps or plan a camping trip with other boys and fathers from your church. Don't allow him to just come up with "fun" himself or rely on irresponsible neighborhood hooligans to invite him (they will seek him out and use him for their own agenda if they can).
You can't change his parents behavior and you don't need to overstep any boundaries you might sense, but maybe set aside special time with him one-on-one every time when he comes to your home. I believe that boys need as much support and help from every man in their life and this child needs all the extra attention and love that might be falling through the cracks. Support and love him, let him know why your upset he did what he did and suggest you both work to make sure he doesn't do this again. He's only 9 which again, I feel signals this was more about wanting to fit in and look cool/older than actual desire to cause mischief.
In my state, a child under 10 cannot be charged with a crime.
Just because a child can not be charged with a crime it does not mean that there can not be serious repercussions from a child's behavior. Without going into details there was a six year old child in my school who was required by the court system to be placed in a locked facility for emotionally and behaviorally disturbed children. He was placed there for over a year before he was returned to his parents under very tight supervision and enormous support.
wherever and whenever I intervene Mom tends to disrupt it, been discussed multiple times and on occasion she will allow my to set the tone, the way I do with the girls. We disagree. I'm much more praise when good and pray when bad, but Mom naturally runs interference and he knows it so our relationship is not "You have to listen to me" more talk to me buddy dont lie to your parents.
He lies to get out of trouble, curses with his friends, half asses cleaning, etc.
He is also the only person in the house that will ask if you need help with anything. There is still good in him.
If your spouse and you don't become a united front along with the father, he is only going to get worse.
One he should no longer be allowed to hang with the older boy, obviously a bad influence.
Two, he needs chores so he can save money to help pay for the damages he has done.
Three get him involved in structured activities such has sports, clubs, Church youth programs, or something where he can have fun and form healthy friendships.
Four, some kind of counseling for not only him but for all parents to learn how to guide him.
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