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Best to let him be. He may be your son,but not your child.
19 yrs old enough to drink,make a baby,get married,go to war,vote,go to the other side of the world and you can't stop him.
Just hope that you gave him enough life lessons to know right from wrong. The best you can hope for is that you can still be part of his life.
And the criticism, at his age he don't want to hear it. Don't want to be bossed around. Let him do him.
What you folks can do as parents, is to make an appointment/date with him so you all can have a big conversation. As adults! Discuss responsibilities of an adult,how to save,clean after oneself,manage life,all that a proper adult should know. If he listens or not is up do him.
Also remind him that he will eventually not live at home anymore,probably get married,and start a life of his own. Hanging out with the dudes is not forever.
He will continue to grow and develop, just give it some time. Let him breathe!
Not necessarily. There are plenty of 50 year old men (and women) still living with and/or dependent on their parents. If they don't do something, he'll be there forever. It's much better for them to act while he's young and can make changes and have a life for himself.
Yes my son played sports his whole life including varsity basketball. As a freshman he did not make the basketball team and practiced every day and improved so much he made the team the next year.
I love this. Thank you for sharing! I don't care what people say about "child labor," children are very capable. I didn't have anywhere near the responsibilities you had, but did start working at age 11! Twelve hour days (in the summer, cutting apricots).
Babying kids is what is causing so much entitlement - and people who don't know how to do anything!
My father later remarried a widow with her own children and my family was like the Brady bunch family. My parents have growing crops in their DNA. Despite my father working full time, they rent unused lands and grow vegetables to eat and to sell to local markets or at a farmer's market.
Growing up there was no such thing as allowance. And babysitting was paid $0/ an hour. To make money, when I was around that age as you, I started to help my parents tend the crops and take it to sell to the local mom and pop markets. My pay was $1 a day. So I would make $2 on every weekend during the crop season.
Later, I heard that people would go to Portland, Oregon and pick crops during the summer. Making a $1 day was no longer cutting it, so I beg my stepmom if we can go to Portland the following summer. She agreed and that was the first time I really made my first money. I believe we stay there for a month or so.....could be longer but it wasn't the whole summer. While there, we also had to pay rent to the family that was housing us. I made some $300 odd dollars and I thought I was rich, well at least before I deducted my expenses. LOL. I wanted to earn my keep so I paid my parents back for the bus ticket and my share of the rent when I was in Portland.
My second job came later in the form of a paperboy...Remember those days when kids would get a paper route? I was making $48 a month. My brother and I would switch every month so we both could have money. We were so happy, we were raking in the $$$$$. We thought we were rich making $48 a month. Well coming from making $2 a weekend x 4 weeks= $8 a month to $48 was a huge raise.
By the time I was in 8th grade, my brother and I started our first business. We would buy candy from 7-11 stores and flip those candles/gums at schools.
What a JOURNEY!
Last edited by mikefong123; 06-26-2019 at 10:19 PM..
Yes my son played sports his whole life including varsity basketball. As a freshman he did not make the basketball team and practiced every day and improved so much he made the team the next year.
Then this is very good. It shows he is fully capable of being able to set a goal/direction, persevere, work towards it, and make it happen. He has the skill to do it under his belt. I would remind him of this basketball achievement and tell him you know that he is capable of much more than he is currently demonstrating.
Sounds like it is just a matter of you and your husband employing some 'tough love' with some of the suggestions of the other posters. It's good that you are addressing the situation in his young adulthood versus allowing years to go by risking a much older adult still loafing around your home just stagnating in life. It's time to give him a loving but firm final push out of the nest (or at least having to contribute to the nest and abide by your requirements) because he has shown that he is capable of flying when he needs to.
He is my son and I love him. I am trying to figure out how to motivate him to start acting like an adult.
Awesome. You love your son and want to teach him to act like an adult. That is admirable of you. So, you and your husband are adults and your example to him is that someone has to work to provide for all the stuff your son has. You might not like to work. Your husband might not like to work. I am sure that most of the world would love to have all the things that your son has for free. The only thing is that those things are not free. You are paying for them. You are giving your son those things.
If you really want to teach him to be an adult then do the following.
Cut off all extras right now. No cable, no cell phone, no car.
Charge him rent. When I was 18 I had to pay $100 a month. But that was back in the early 80's. Inflation has sure changed things. Today that same $100 a month is more like $500 a month. Adults don't get free housing.
If he is using your car to get around then charge him to use your car. He pays for the gas and to insure it. Adults don't get free cars.
Living in a house has its responsibilities. Even though someone pays rent they need to take care of their living space. You require him to clean not only his room but around the house as well. Adults don't get to live like slobs.
If he can not get a job then give him additional responsibilities around the house. He can mow the grass, take care of the yard, compete repairs around the home, wash the cars, take out the trash. Have him run your errands. Have him help out in the kitchen. Until he is working then he needs to step it up around the house. Adults are responsible people that do what ever they need to do to help the family.
It is difficult to be an adult. It is difficult to teach a kid to be an adult. It is also rewarding as a parent to watch your kid become an adult.
The one thing we started from day one was to tell our kids that they have options after high school.
They have the option to continue going to school and we will help as much as we can. They can live with us for free as long as they continue their education.
They have the option to work if they choose not to go to school. If they work they will also pay rent and we charge $500 a month. Kind of an incentive to stay in school.
They have the option to join the military. I came from a Navy family and would love to have a kid in the Navy.
We never gave them the option to do nothing. My wife told me when our oldest spent the summer after he graduated, having a fun time and not working, that she was not going to have us bust our backsides and have adult children sit and do nothing. She came from a hard working family that worked the fields around here. I remember that when one of our kids said he was bored and did not want to go to school anymore, she drove him over to one of the strawberry fields and told him that he could choose right now, school or work in the fields picking strawberries. They watched the field workers and he realized that school wasn't so bad after all.
I don't want to come off as someone that thinks they know everything about being an adult or a parent. I made plenty of mistakes along the way. My wife was a lot better at parenting that I ever was. Also you can choose to do what ever you want as a parent. What works for my wife and I may not work for you. I do think what we do will work for most people though.
So after we talked to my son who was absolutely flabbergasted that we were going to treat him like an adult, he agreed to everything we wrote in the contract, the real key is will he actually abide by it.
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Well coming from making $2 a weekend x 4 weeks= $8 a month to $48 was a huge raise.
