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Old 07-17-2019, 05:41 AM
 
Location: Canada
6,615 posts, read 6,506,059 times
Reputation: 18433

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What you describe to me sets off alarm bells about the boyfriend. He sounds like a control freak who has run down her friends and made her think that they aren't worthy of her.

I would be afraid that he will also run you, her parents down, so that he can isolate her from everyone else in her life but him.

Controlling people are very insidious, and this will all be done with him telling her that he loves her the best and no one else matters.

The only thing I can suggest is that you find a good web site describing control freaks, print off the early warning signs, and give it to her to read. Tell her that you support her, and will always be there for her. She'll have to figure this out herself.
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Old 07-17-2019, 06:26 AM
 
2,901 posts, read 1,599,274 times
Reputation: 7097
This boy is far more than a jerk, he's an abuser showing classic disturbing behavior.

OP try an end run around both daughter and boyfriend. Get to know his parents, invite them to dinner, call the mother and chat, etc.

Don't mention concerns just make it about socializing/friendship between the parents of a couple. Make them allies if you can.

Maybe you can gain some insight about the boyfriend by getting to know the parents.

And who knows, they might be the first ones to bring up concerns.
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Old 07-17-2019, 07:15 AM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,964,930 times
Reputation: 30753
My suggestion would be to try and include boyfriend in ALL family plans. Invite him out to dinner. Invite him to outings. Turn on the love every chance you get. If daughter complains about something he's done, defend him. Work to see his side. Tell daughter that you miss seeing his sweet and handsome face, and she should bring him around more. I will agree about trying to get to know the boy's parents, as well.


Teens have this uncanny ability to dislike what parents like. You hear it all the time "Karen why can't you like that nice boy down the street? He's handsome, he's got a full ride scholarship to blah blah blah, works hard, respectful, etc." Lay on the love every chance you get. THEN maybe she won't feel like she has to defend him all the time, and she can come to her own conclusions (maybe) and dump his sad butt.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Richmond, VA
838 posts, read 551,137 times
Reputation: 2818
If it is not this boy, it'll be another just like him.

Does your daughter have low self-esteem? Perhaps she believes she doesn't deserve anything better than what this guy is offering. Maybe she is just happy someone is interested in her and to keep HIM happy, she is going along with everything and anything.

If your daughter is suffering from low self-esteem, this may be a common occurrence in her life. She may know that she is being treated bad and that he has loser'ish characteristics but "saving him" and "trying to make him better" may be tied to her self esteem. I mean, what a boost to change someone's life for the positive right? *sigh*

I don't know.... this may just be a situation that needs to play itself out. Don't befriend him. Encourage her to use birth control and maybe get her interested in activities that will boost her self confidence. Maybe volunteering at a homeless shelter or food bank. Doing good makes people feel good emotionally and mentally.

Next time he screws up and hurts her feelings, ask her - Why don't you feel like this is all you're worth? It sounds harsh but believe me, the more compassion you put into that question when you ask, the more she will repeat it to herself. She won't like it, but she needs to hear it.

And again, ask only when she is at a low point with him. It won't resonate with her if her feelings are positive.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:34 AM
 
3 posts, read 3,402 times
Reputation: 15
Thank you all for the helpful suggestions and experience. It helped to vent here! I will definitely take all of your advice to heart.

I will do my best to work on my relationship with her and keep the boyfriend out of it. I do know that it bothers her immensely that we aren't on the best terms.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:36 AM
 
Location: San Diego
50,125 posts, read 46,734,976 times
Reputation: 33962
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
So, what exactly is the evidence the boyfriend is a "jerk?"

It seems the daughter has issues but she is not being called a "jerk."
I accidentally saw some texts that he sent my daughter when they were fighting - he was swearing at her repeatedly with the F word.

I'd be telling homey if he talks like that face to face I'll beat his A$$.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:37 AM
 
Location: San Diego
50,125 posts, read 46,734,976 times
Reputation: 33962
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
My suggestion would be to try and include boyfriend in ALL family plans. Invite him out to dinner. Invite him to outings. Turn on the love every chance you get. If daughter complains about something he's done, defend him. Work to see his side. Tell daughter that you miss seeing his sweet and handsome face, and she should bring him around more. I will agree about trying to get to know the boy's parents, as well.


Teens have this uncanny ability to dislike what parents like. You hear it all the time "Karen why can't you like that nice boy down the street? He's handsome, he's got a full ride scholarship to blah blah blah, works hard, respectful, etc." Lay on the love every chance you get. THEN maybe she won't feel like she has to defend him all the time, and she can come to her own conclusions (maybe) and dump his sad butt.
Yes, hunting trips in far off places.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:38 AM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,609,738 times
Reputation: 19639
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1AngryTaxPayer View Post
I accidentally saw some texts that he sent my daughter when they were fighting - he was swearing at her repeatedly with the F word.

I'd be telling homey if he talks like that face to face I'll beat his A$$.
Yeah, that's not cool. I would focus on that subject. No one should take abuse.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:46 AM
 
3,014 posts, read 2,212,298 times
Reputation: 10794
I guess none of you ever made dating mistakes as a teen?

Honestly, he sounds immature and self-centered, both things that are not uncommon in teen boys.

So they sit at his house all day. Maybe they're binge-watching Seinfeld. Maybe they don't have tons of money to go out and do things. Dating as teens is basically just hanging out. Well, and texting.

Honestly, I don't think you need to worry. If she goes to college, he will be way too needy to fit into her new life. Plus there will be lots of better options around. That's why almost EVERY high school romance breaks up freshman year.
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Old 07-17-2019, 10:04 AM
 
104 posts, read 62,356 times
Reputation: 107
Do not press on the daughter! She herself will soon realize that this relationship is not for her, then she will leave this guy!
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