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we have 4 full grown children-now in their 30's-that don't care for each other-they don't fight but just try not to be around with each other. Their dad and I are always working around how to see they because they always ask who will be there? We have great memories from their childhood but they must not. How do we get over our sad feelings. I have asked each one but no real answer.
Pretty common these days I'm finding... whether it's due to true dislike or just inconvenient.
In our immediate family it is not so much that they don't like each other, but rather lead very different lives and live very far apart. Income differences (all do well, but one is well into the 1% range), kind of jobs they hold (limited vacation to no limit on vacation or time off), political views, views of "self", extended family demands on the other side all play into distribution of time and attendance at family gatherings.
They manage to pull it together at least once a year. I will admit it is a headache to coordinate everyone for one time period. Maybe it's not so much they don't like each other as much as it is too much trouble.
----I agree with saibot's thoughts.
Last edited by CentralUSHomeowner; 07-16-2019 at 05:24 PM..
Your question is, "How do we get over our sad feelings?" By not dwelling on them. Be thankful your children are happy, healthy and independent--assuming they are those things--and see them one at a time. Is there some special reason you need them all together all the time? If not, focus on enjoying the one you are with. You could have many, many worse problems than this.
Think of them as individuals rather than as a group and spend quality time with them individually, without the others. It will most likely be less often than if they enjoyed each other, but it could actually deepen your relationship with each one. It's hard to give up our dreams of a "big happy loving family", but accepting our kid's reality is best. Otherwise we risk alienating everyone and ending up with nothing. Best wishes!!
Think of them as individuals rather than as a group and spend quality time with them individually, without the others. It will most likely be less often than if they enjoyed each other, but it could actually deepen your relationship with each one. It's hard to give up our dreams of a "big happy loving family", but accepting our kid's reality is best. Otherwise we risk alienating everyone and ending up with nothing. Best wishes!!
Pretty common these days I'm finding... whether it's due to true dislike or just inconvenient.
In our immediate family it is not so much that they don't like each other, but rather lead very different lives and live very far apart. Income differences (all do well, but one is well into the 1% range), kind of jobs they hold (limited vacation to no limit on vacation or time off), political views, views of "self", extended family demands on the other side all play into distribution of time and attendance at family gatherings.
They manage to pull it together at least once a year. I will admit it is a headache to coordinate everyone for one time period. Maybe it's not so much they don't like each other as much as it is too much trouble.
----I agree with saibot's thoughts.
So true. My kids are so very different from each other that sometimes I wonder how that happened when they grew up together in the same household! Both of them have even expressed that they wished they were closer to the other, but they have so very little in common, and hold some very opposing beliefs and opinions, that I don't ever see them becoming good friends with each other.
So for us it's not so much a matter of inconvenience as it is that there is absolutely no common ground, they don't even like the same foods.
OP, I'm sorry that you are seeing the siblings as uninterested in bonding in their adulthood.
My Mom instilled that kins , cousins, brothers, aunts, etc all had value THRU OUT life. It caught on somehow because we each weave ourselves in and out of our kins lives.
We get along because we endured those times of NOT getting along. Perhaps this is their adult phase of such moments.
I think it doesn't change your heart ache to say "ohh just count your blessings", because really your blessing is to have THOSE Adults visit....Time shared is so invaluable. No one ever sat on their death bed and said...Golly I am so blessed that my kids didn't get along or visit. By golly its just peachy that they were healthy though!
I'm not going to justify the adults whom you raised . Instead I'd broach it with sincerity. Asking them each directly if there is some event or time that would be suitable for an adult gathering to create family fun!
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