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Let me see if I understand correctly. Before you were married, your husband-to-be said, without equivocation, that he did NOT want any more children. You agreed to this.
Now, 9 years later, you change the rules in the marriage and HE'S the selfish one?
You may be 32, but you need to grow up. He's lived up to his commitment to you and, now, he's probably wondering what's happened to his wife.
Your husband, at 54, has been through all the rigors of parenting. The nightly feedings, the diaper changes, the endless cycle of homework, little league practice, college tuition and more. He's done, and I can't blame him one bit.
If having a baby is that important to you, then do it. But do it outside of your current marriage.
Let me see
cpg--read her post again. She didn't bash her husband. She said she was being selfish as well. She is being very grown up about the situation. Trust me, being in her shoes it is tough. Like I said; hubby and I married with the understanding there would be NO children.
Something in me changed; I just had to have a baby. I was lucky hubby decided too it would be a great idea. It is not a change you can control. The OP is just asking for support and ideas.
My dear friend, calm down. Why all this tension? You have a strong marriage. YOu truly love your husband. Marriage, love, commitment, all this is perfect and so tough to achieve. Be proud of yourself. Regarding your husband, looks like he did not have a great experience raising children and burnt his fingers thoroughly. He is just afraid to see it happen to another offspring, which is again a natural parental concern. This is normal. For yourself honey, this is your only chance to concieve and have a healthy baby. The pain pangs are biting deep into you to have a baby. You need to be pregnant, see yourself swell up, feel your baby kick inside of you, and the incredible journey of giving birth, holding your child, feeding and enjoying mother hood, wow!! how divine. So where is the problem?
Your husband will have a chance to really shape up this child because he had had time to think over what went wrong where. In your old age, you will have your own child to come and look out for you. You have a strong relationship going on, so simply go ahead and have your baby. Your husband is just a big baby, he will be fine. Infact he will be thrilled if you get pregnant. He truly loves you right? When you are confident in his love, then there is absolutely no problem. You both will enjoy life even more with the addition of this little one. Even my husband wanted to stop with only one child. But when the second baby, Mr.surprise came over, you must have seen his face. He loved it when I complained that he gave me this belly, changed my body, and all that milk that flowed too much.....censor.....censor...it's too lovely to miss. You must enjoy your life, and children are soo fabulous.
I simply do not see any big problems here. You can take care of big papa bear, can't you sweetie? Come on, husbands, those little babies in big pants. He will be fine with you next to him, his pillar of strength.
I'm sorry for your sadness. I am now in my mid 30's and I remember never wanting children when I was in my 20's. YOU WANT TO HEAR GOD LAUGH, tell him your plans. It's not over by a long shot girl. The greatest gift God can give to us (woman/or man who desire to be wonderful parents) is a child. I am a single woman with an 8yr-old son and a set of 3yr-old twins whose father's are not in the picture after deciding that this was the one thing in life that they wanted; "to raise a family". I wouldn't change a thing even if I could if it meant not having these 3 angels in my life today. You hold the faith girl and keep praying because he is able to DO ALL THINGS ACCORDING TO HIS WILL! He knows the desires of your heart and he knows the desires of your husband's. Girl when I tell you he's working it out right now, he's working it out right now! Do not alienate nor become bitter towards your husband; in fact do just the opposite, pray for him, but most importantly pray with him! He's an on time God, always on time. Keep the faith!
When you married, you were too young to make such an important decision. I remember turning 31 and BAM, I had to start my family! The urge was so strong, I could not imagine not having had a child at that point.
I disagree with this statement.
Why are you too young at 24 to decide to not have kids and not too young to decide to have kids?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbd78
Agreed, this is a very rude statement to make. So the op was only 25 and the husband was 43 when they married. Sorry, but I agree with what others have said. Being an older man, he should have anticipated that a much younger woman may change her mind on the child issue. To say she doesn't deserve him is completely unnecessary and unfounded.
I think the op should not try and change her husband's mind. If her desire to have a child is strong enough, she should leave him and find a man she is on the same page with.
She was an adult who entered into a contract. No one forced her to do that.
Why should it be on the man at this point? He was upfront about his desire to not have kids.
Not all women who choose to be childfree change their minds.
It’s offensive to assume that they do. Most of us who choose to be childfree do not have some “biological clock” ticking or fear that we made the wrong decision.
Quote:
Originally Posted by amy234
Your husband will have a chance to really shape up this child because he had had time to think over what went wrong where. In your old age, you will have your own child to come and look out for you. You have a strong relationship going on, so simply go ahead and have your baby. Your husband is just a big baby, he will be fine. Infact he will be thrilled if you get pregnant. He truly loves you right? When you are confident in his love, then there is absolutely no problem. You both will enjoy life even more with the addition of this little one. Even my husband wanted to stop with only one child. But when the second baby, Mr.surprise came over, you must have seen his face. He loved it when I complained that he gave me this belly, changed my body, and all that milk that flowed too much.....censor.....censor...it's too lovely to miss. You must enjoy your life, and children are soo fabulous.
I simply do not see any big problems here. You can take care of big papa bear, can't you sweetie? Come on, husbands, those little babies in big pants. He will be fine with you next to him, his pillar of strength.
Peace.
How absolutely disgusting. You condone chicanery, manipulation and deceitfulness.
This is a difficult enough decision for the OP without lying and manipulation added in.
Good luck with your decision.
She was an adult who entered into a contract. No one forced her to do that. Why should it be on the man at this point? He was upfront about his desire to not have kids.
Not all women who choose to be childfree change their minds.
It’s offensive to assume that they do. Most of us who choose to be childfree do not have some “biological clock” ticking or fear that we made the wrong decision.
I never said ALL women who choose to be childfree will change their minds. I said that when a much older man who has been there and done that marries a much younger woman, she MAY change her mind, as in there is a higher risk that it could happen. And obviously it has happened in this situation. Judging by her posts, it doesn't sound like she was ever entirely sure she never wanted kids, and maybe the husband should have recognized that. She herself talks how she sacrificed at a young age for the man she loved without knowing how it would affect her in the future. I don't get the impression this was a decision she would have made if it wasn't what her much older husband wanted, or that she was ever part of the childfree movement. That doesn't mean I think ALL childfree people are going to wake up one day and decide they want kids. Not sure why you find that offensive?
I never said ALL women who choose to be childfree will change their minds. I said that when a much older man who has been there and done that marries a much younger woman, she MAY change her mind, as in there is a higher risk that it could happen. And obviously it has happened in this situation. Judging by her posts, it doesn't sound like she was ever entirely sure she never wanted kids, and maybe the husband should have recognized that. She herself talks how she sacrificed at a young age for the man she loved without knowing how it would affect her in the future. I don't get the impression this was a decision she would have made if it wasn't what her much older husband wanted, or that she was ever part of the childfree movement. That doesn't mean I think ALL childfree people are going to wake up one day and decide they want kids. Not sure why you find that offensive?
Why should her husband have realized that she might change her mind? He probably took her at her word.
What I found offensive is your attitude that women don’t know themselves; and that you’re blaming someone else for the decision an adult woman made.
What happens to people who change their minds once they’re parents? Who do you blame for that?
A marriage is a compromise. An agreement. I know this sounds cold... but I am being realistic here: if you want to have a child and your husband does not, then you must either accept it, not have a child, and instead perhaps buy a puppy. Dogs are like babies who never grow up past the age of about 3, so it might fulfill those maternal cravings. Or, divorce due to the conflict of interests, and go on with your own life, living it however you want - remarry a man who wants a child or have a child on your own. We're not living in the Victorian era any longer, women are free to do what they want.
Honestly - if it were me, I'd go the puppy route. You seem to love your husband. If the baby issue is the only issue here... it's not worth giving up a beautiful relationship for. Perhaps what you're really feeling is that your husband is much older than you, and might leave you alone in this world? Perhaps a baby who will grow up will be there to comfort you when your older husband passes on? I know it's awful... but it seems it's actually very common in relationships where there is such an age gap. In which case - dog's live fairly long lives as well if they are properly cared for.
A marriage is a compromise. An agreement. I know this sounds cold... but I am being realistic here: if you want to have a child and your husband does not, then you must either accept it, not have a child, and instead perhaps buy a puppy. Dogs are like babies who never grow up past the age of about 3, so it might fulfill those maternal cravings. Or, divorce due to the conflict of interests, and go on with your own life, living it however you want - remarry a man who wants a child or have a child on your own. We're not living in the Victorian era any longer, women are free to do what they want.
Honestly - if it were me, I'd go the puppy route. You seem to love your husband. If the baby issue is the only issue here... it's not worth giving up a beautiful relationship for. Perhaps what you're really feeling is that your husband is much older than you, and might leave you alone in this world? Perhaps a baby who will grow up will be there to comfort you when your older husband passes on? I know it's awful... but it seems it's actually very common in relationships where there is such an age gap. In which case - dog's live fairly long lives as well if they are properly cared for.
You must have missed the post where I suggested she get a little dog. She replied that she raises pugs (hence her name).
not having kids was the only thing that saved me in the divorce, that and her arrogant contempt for the judge and court. i dont negotiate with people that like to renegotiate deals after they make them. of course that is why i am sittng alone most of the time typing on CD.
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Or, divorce due to the conflict of interests, and go on with your own life, living it however you want - remarry a man who wants a child or have a child on your own. We're not living in the Victorian era any longer, women are free to do what they want. 