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Good Lord. The writing was probably on the wall 20+ years ago.
Unless she has some sort of disability, this "kid" is a 35 year old mooch.
The parents are tired of it; yet, don't have the ability to say "enough!"
What's more, they want to push her off to the boyfriend, who has enough on his plate.
He probably sees the writing on the wall, and doesn't want to be burdened with this deadbeat.
It's high time she stands on her own two feet and gets a legitimate job.
The threat of poverty/homelessness/starvation is a strong motivator.
Easy to say, very hard to do to your own dear child. It's clear she needs a re-start on a vocation and to become talented in making her own way. Enough time and $$ and patience have been invested in her current dreams of work; this is the trap of video game writing; it is a good path to nowhere.
It is NOT hard to do. We did it. Gave adult child 3 months to get her act together.
Only helped once in 3 years due to real family emergency
Our daughter is 35 and still needs our financial support to get by. She lives in an apartment in Eugene for about $500/month. This is a tiny, single room with a bathroom and a shared kitchen. She works for a tech company but only gets 10 hours a week.
She has a boy friend in New York, they Skype every night. We would love to see her move to N.Y. and live with/marry her guy. The problem there is that he is a caretaker for his parents and grandparents. There may not be room for our daughter.
She is a talented person, writes gaming software and is developing a game that may pay dividends in the future, but not now.
To make a long story short, we are on a fixed income and are losing money every month. This cannot go on forever, but we are not sure what to do. I suppose we could cut her off and force her to find a way on her own. We would hate to see her homeless.
Any suggestions? Does anyone have a similar situation?
Thanks.
If there’s room for him, there’s room for her.
It’s not like she’d need her own bedroom.
If there’s room for him, there’s room for her.
It’s not like she’d need her own bedroom.
Assuming that the O.P.'s daughter's boyfriend is living in the family home, there's a good chance that, despite being a caretaker, moving in his girlfriend would not be his decision alone to make.
Also, given that she's only working ten hours a week and her parents are largely subsidizing her existence, there's also a chance that he doesn't wish to take her on as a potential liability. People need to have the ability to fully take care of themselves before partnering with someone who is similarly self-sufficient.
Love does not conquer all; care-taking even under the best of circumstances is exhausting. Taking in another person--even and especially a romantic partner--might not be the best idea for our O.P.'s boyfriend.
Back on topic, while anxiety is very real, it's rarely a legitimate excuse to barely work. What would this young woman in question have done if she had not been born to parents who could afford to support her what will soon be early middle age? She would have buckled down and found a job, no doubt.
Be clear, always be supportive, O.P., but let her know in no uncertain terms that she needs to find the means to make her own way and not through latching onto another person who will run interference for her as that would be doing her no favors should they go their separate ways or he dies/become disabled.
Social anxiety is treatable. Why hasn't she sought treatment anytime in the last 15 years? She's had plenty of time. When did the symptoms manifest? She could have sought treatment while she was in college, and had access to free mental health care in the university clinic. I think requiring her to get treatment should be part of the cutting-her-loose package.
I know I'll be the lone voice in this respect, but I think 3 months is too short to find work, especially with her challenging resume. Maybe 6 months would leave her too much time to procrastinate, so how about a compromise of 4 months? She'll need to brush up on her interviewing skills, perhaps getting some coaching on how to frame issues such as her voluntary underemployment. The Oregon State Department of Labor (with an office in Eugene) offers job-search workshops and posts job listings, and there are probably other local agencies that offer similar services.
Since she's low-income, she probably qualifies for help from the local vocational rehabilitation office (also a government agency with free services), especially since she has a quasi-disability. They could order a free assessment for her, and set her up with treatment.
So now (since she has so much free time), her job will be to get hooked up with all the agencies she can find, to get job-search coaching (resume-writing, interviewing skills, dress-for-success coaching, etc.), and to resolve her social anxiety. Boom, she'll be busy full-time doing all that. She'll have to learn time-management skills, and she'll have to postpone her work on her video game development project, until she becomes self-supporting. She'll have to prioritize, and structure each day and week around these various employment-search-related activities. IOW, she'll need to grow up. She'll need to acquire "adulting" skills, in today's parlance.
I agree with all of this. I am not going to assume she is just a moocher. My daughter suffered from social anxiety -- wouldn't initiate coversations with people, wouldn't talk on the phone and was most comfortable doing things on-line. She also easily gave up when she encountered rejection. She has overcome her social anxiety it but it was through assistance of a therapist, medication and my coaching. At a minimum she may need the basics of job searching and interviewing. Ruth gave very good suggestions.
Also, have you asked her whether she has tried to get additional hours where she currently works. If not, why not.
Last edited by Maddie104; 08-12-2019 at 02:45 PM..
You've crippled your daughter. Have you thought what would happen to her if you and your husband get hit by a bus? You have done her no favors. 10 hours a week? Is that a joke? What does she do the other 6 days a week?
Its not her boyfriends job to take her in and support her. He may never take her in; if he wanted to, they would have made a way by now. This is going to hurt her far more now than had you done it when she was 20. Stop making excuses for her, stop paying her bills. She can do this. She has to.
Assuming that the O.P.'s daughter's boyfriend is living in the family home, there's a good chance that, despite being a caretaker, moving in his girlfriend would not be his decision alone to make.
Also, given that she's only working ten hours a week and her parents are largely subsidizing her existence, there's also a chance that he doesn't wish to take her on as a potential liability. People need to have the ability to fully take care of themselves before partnering with someone who is similarly self-sufficient.
Love does not conquer all; care-taking even under the best of circumstances is exhausting. Taking in another person--even and especially a romantic partner--might not be the best idea for our O.P.'s boyfriend.
Back on topic, while anxiety is very real, it's rarely a legitimate excuse to barely work. What would this young woman in question have done if she had not been born to parents who could afford to support her what will soon be early middle age? She would have buckled down and found a job, no doubt.
Be clear, always be supportive, O.P., but let her know in no uncertain terms that she needs to find the means to make her own way and not through latching onto another person who will run interference for her as that would be doing her no favors should they go their separate ways or he dies/become disabled.
Well if he’s doing them a great favor and taking care of them I’d say it’s all his choice.
They can’t logically expect him to stop living his own life and put finding a spouse on hold while he takes care of them.
Seems like they have two choices in life, accept his help on his terms or go into a home.
Our daughter is 35 and still needs our financial support to get by. She lives in an apartment in Eugene for about $500/month. This is a tiny, single room with a bathroom and a shared kitchen. She works for a tech company but only gets 10 hours a week.
She has a boy friend in New York, they Skype every night. We would love to see her move to N.Y. and live with/marry her guy. The problem there is that he is a caretaker for his parents and grandparents. There may not be room for our daughter.
She is a talented person, writes gaming software and is developing a game that may pay dividends in the future, but not now.
To make a long story short, we are on a fixed income and are losing money every month. This cannot go on forever, but we are not sure what to do. I suppose we could cut her off and force her to find a way on her own. We would hate to see her homeless.
Any suggestions? Does anyone have a similar situation?
Thanks.
I agree with everyone else give her a deadline to find a job and stop giving her money. She needs to be able to support herself. Even if she moves in with or marries the boyfriend that may not last. Then what?
She's going to have to support herself someday so it's much better if she starts now. The longer you enable her the harder it will be for her to become independent.
You've crippled your daughter. Have you thought what would happen to her if you and your husband get hit by a bus? You have done her no favors. 10 hours a week? Is that a joke? What does she do the other 6 days a week?
Its not her boyfriends job to take her in and support her. He may never take her in; if he wanted to, they would have made a way by now. This is going to hurt her far more now than had you done it when she was 20. Stop making excuses for her, stop paying her bills. She can do this. She has to.
I'm really wondering how real this boyfriend is, in terms of the status of their relationship, being long-distance, and all. Does he visit her? (I assume she can't afford to fly to NY, but maybe mom and dad pay for her airfare, along with her rent?) When was the last time they were together? There may not be any relationship there; he may just be stringing her along.
OP?
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