13 year old daughter friend issues (BF, teens, support, parents)

[carrie76]

I know there are much bigger problems in this world and feel silly even being upset about this but nonetheless I am. My daughter was in the same school system from kindergarten through 6th grade and had a best friend all those years. Sleepovers, together every weekend, vacations together, lived in the same neighborhood, etc. BF’s parents and my husband and I are fond of each other but not close friends. I’ve become close with many of my sons friend’s parents (to the point of actually socializing regularly with them) so I always thought that would be a nice thing but BF’s parents have their “group” and it seems they were never interested in spite of constantly saying how much they love us and our daughter and consider her family. I only mention that because I don’t have a close enough relationship with them that I can just ask what’s going on. Anyway, we moved 25 minutes away the summer before 7th grade. They continued to get together at least every other week and daughter did go on vacation with them. Daughter started at new school that fall and visits continued but toward end of school year I felt like a lot of my invites were rejected. This summer, BF left for entire summer and they texted each other but it was sporadic. I know that sounds strange but they aren’t typical 13 year olds where texting and social media are important. They’re both quite young and innocent for their age which is probably why they were so compatible. They’ve been home for 2 weeks and I already feel daughter is being rejected. I know many girls that age would tell their parents who they want to see and be with but I think BF’s Mom calls all the shots. Tonight I saw BF’s Mom tagged on Facebook by a Mom whose daughter BF was with this weekend after I was given an excuse why she wasn’t free. I get it. BF is kind of an introvert and mom wants her to have friends in school and friends who don’t require a 25-30 minute drive. FYI: I have offered to pick her up numerous times. I do understand but I’m so sad for my daughter. Our new neighborhood has no one she could be friends with and last year she did meet some girls at school but she has admitted she feels no connection to them. She saw them over the summer but not one sleepover or anything and I almost had to force her to hang out with them. I feel so guilty for moving now. I thought I could keep the friendship intact. I knew it would be more difficult and BF’s Mom and I talked about making it a priority when we first moved but as time goes on it seems there’s less and less communication. My daughter has no “special person” anymore and maybe that’s okay? I don’t know. My husband says I’m worrying about nothing and to be honest he was always kind of offended by what he felt was kind of a social snub by them so maybe he cares less. I just feel like our move (which was not a necessary move but just a move that made life a bit more convenient) has cost my daughter a best friend relationship through years that can be difficult, sleepovers, fun outings together, etc. My daughter is a fairly busy girl with activities but she spends lots of time alone in her room now. I don’t know what to do. I appreciate any insight or advice and thanks so much for reading. I’m probably being ridiculous but I feel so bad.

[Cloudwalker]

Distance is hard on friendships at that age, and 25 minutes is actually quite a long traveling time for anything more than the occasional visit. Kids tend to focus on those in their immediate universe, which is usually those with whom they go to school or see on a daily/regular basis.

Don't beat yourself up about the move. 7th Grade is a hard age, lots of changes, their friendship might not have survived even if you hadn't moved. She's still trying to figure out who she is (and isn't). It's not uncommon for teens to drift away from a childhood friend and not really find a "special person" again until they go to college. The best thing you can do is help her to find ways to pursue the activities she really likes to do and focus on those, so that she'll have a better chance of finding her "tribe", those with whom she has a lot in common.

Has she actually expressed unhappiness about the situation with the old friend?

[BirdieBelle]

Let your daughter manage her own social life. Stop trying to make this happen because you are making a natural fade-away into something much worse for her.

Let your daughter be independent.

[ClaraC]

I'm a little surprised you didn't know this was going to happen, removing a 7th grade daughter from her school and putting her into a school a half hour drive away.

Yes, her friends from her old school will develop new primary relationships, and it sounds like the other girl's parents weren't that committed to your family anyway, despite their verbiage.

When you say your daughter is active, do you mean socially active and active in sports or other pursuits?

She'll find a group. Just be open and welcoming, and have the pizza ready, and they'll come.

[rrah]

Have you asked your daughter if she is unhappy with the situation? Not all kids need to have a lot of friends. Friends in grade school really are based on proximity. If a kid is lucky, they find a person they do actually like as a friend. Your daughter was lucky.

At age 13 the girls were probably going to end up going in different directions whether you moved or not. Those teenage years are a time of lots of change and growth.

I really think this is about your dreams for your daughter to have lots of friends, be popular, sleepovers, etc. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with those dreams, but I am saying you need to let your daughter be who she is. Based on your description of a single best friend throughout the grade school years, she is not a person that wants a large friend group. That's absolutely fine. She'll find her person or people when she's ready.

You need to put your ideal image of her teen years aside. Unless and until she expresses unhappiness with the situation, respect and accept her for who she is.

One final thing: teenage girls spend lots of time in their rooms no matter the friend situation. They just do.

[bondaroo]

Teenagers need to be able to learn to handle their own relationships. Sometimes it's hard. Heading towards high school, parents need to back completely off. The time for "play dates" and managing your kids social calendar is over.



(Edited to add: Unless there is abuse or serious behaviour issues, of course. I mean the normal teen interactions.)


Older kids make friend based on interests and who they are, not on who happens to be convenient, or who they were BFFs with yesterday. Or worse - which parents like each other the best. My daughter had a best friend she met in pre-school as 3 and 4 year olds. They were super tight, spending most weekends together. And then at the age of 10/11, after one month of tailing off contact, they weren't BFFs anymore. It happened that quickly. They had grown into different people, with different interests, and my dd actually said her previous BFF annoyed her. It happens. The girl's dad and I had worked together once and we got along great, but we were never friends. Which helped, I think.

My own mom fretted occasionally about my social skills and situations. It did nothing but stress me out, that my mom thought something was wrong with how I lived my life. I would have really appreciated it if she had just accepted me for who I was - an introvert with little need for a social life.

[kitkatbar]

First, it's really great that she has lots of activities. That will probably help her to form new relationships with people who share common ground with her. It's really common for friendships to shift over time. Someone moves and it's suddenly just really hard to get together and there isn't that day to day interaction anymore (as you've discovered.)

Or, frankly, the same thing might have happened anyway even had they stayed at the same school. Your daughter might have joined orchestra and volleyball, and BF might have gone out for theater and robotics--different friend groups and activities that require a lot of time.

Rather than feeling sad about BF, I'd nurture the friendships where your new life has taken root. And let your daughter take the lead. If she asks to have BF over, great! If it doesn't work out, ask if she'd like to invite someone from one of her clubs at school. Or some mom/daughter bonding time. There will never be another person exactly like BF, but she also wasn't the last awesome friend left on earth. Help daughter to pursue her true interests and meet others like her and friendships will form that way.

[gus2]

Being a mom is a full-time job, and we always want the best for our kids.

But it does sorta sound like this is of more concern to you than to your daughter. Just be there in case she wants to talk and support her new and existing friendships.

[LilLisa83]

That's really difficult. Don't beat yourself up. Why did you move? You can't force anything.

My parents moved in 10th grade, in the middle of the year. I really didn't have any close friends to begin with, but moving is still hard. She needs to move on and fins new fridnds. She's so young... She'll make more.

[blistex649]

Mom sounds over bearing and OCD like. People generally want to avoid that. And yes, moving in Grade 7 is tough. She can easily still make new friends over the years ahead. Also, many people who are close friends pre puberty do not really end up being as close post-puberty due to fundamentally differing interests and personalities.

Just stop forcing your daughter to try to make friends so quickly, and have sleepovers, etc. That's annoying to your daughter and others too that is crossing boundaries, and will cause even more angst in your daughter's, anxiety, resentment, complex, etc. Tough times are ahead for a girl her age. The last thing she needs is a over worried helicopter mom trying to engineer her social life.

Just try to be the best mother you can be regarding basic interaction, being supportive, letting her know how proud you are of her regardless. And to focus on her studies, while getting her actively involved so she doesn't become so absorbed into the online world.