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The OP did not specifically ask for thoughts concerning his rape, but like others, I don't get why they let the matter drop. As someone else posted, parents are supposed to be the kids best advocates. A kid might think the best idea is to let something go, but he's not the adult in the situation.. They should have talked him into reporting the crime. It is likely too late now and te kid will just have to live with it. I'd be interested to know if his drinking started before or after the incident and if this were the first time he talked about suicide. I feel bad for the kid.
Rereading that first paragraph is really troubling. OP says the son does not seem "too bothered" by it because apparently she is an expert who can read the minds of teenaged boys. Kids do not know how to act in cases like his. Adults don't either. So what they may say might not be entirely what they are feeling. Then she says they were concerned about his drinking at the time. It makes me wonder how they would have reacted had it been their daughter instead. Maybe they were ashamed by the kid getting raped. Maybe they were ashamed that he had been drinking.
I can't help but wonder if their son is actually acting out self-destructively becsuse of the arpe. Maybe he sees now they should have reported it. Maybe he felts like his parents are ashamed of him. Maybe he doesn't know how to feel.
I bet he is at the safest place for him right now and I hope he gets the help he needs.
It's time the parents consider that maybe they're not actually helping him by fussing at him for drinking when he was raped. I'm not putting much weight into the OP responding here again
Rereading that first paragraph is really troubling. OP says the son does not seem "too bothered" by it because apparently she is an expert who can read the minds of teenaged boys. Kids do not know how to act in cases like his. Adults don't either. So what they may say might not be entirely what they are feeling. Then she says they were concerned about his drinking at the time. It makes me wonder how they would have reacted had it been their daughter instead. Maybe they were ashamed by the kid getting raped. Maybe they were ashamed that he had been drinking.
I can't help but wonder if their son is actually acting out self-destructively becsuse of the arpe. Maybe he sees now they should have reported it. Maybe he felts like his parents are ashamed of him. Maybe he doesn't know how to feel.
I bet he is at the safest place for him right now and I hope he gets the help he needs.
It's time the parents consider that maybe they're not actually helping him by fussing at him for drinking when he was raped. I'm not putting much weight into the OP responding here again
These were my thoughts especially the last paragraph, but if my child was complaining about the hospital, I would listen.
The OP did not specifically ask for thoughts concerning his rape, but like others, I don't get why they let the matter drop. As someone else posted, parents are supposed to be the kids best advocates. A kid might think the best idea is to let something go, but he's not the adult in the situation.. They should have talked him into reporting the crime. It is likely too late now and the kid will just have to live with it. I'd be interested to know if his drinking started before or after the incident and if this were the first time he talked about suicide. I feel bad for the kid.
"Several months ago, our son was sexually assaulted at a party. Raped, actually. Male peers used their fists. He was 16 at the time, 17 now...."
This, from what I saw, is the total knowledge that readers have about the incident. We have no idea how much the incident was a fist fight, and to what extent it might have involved forcing him into a non-consensual, submissive sexual act. The hot-button word rape has been invoked, so everyone goes nuts...it is enough if he was punched out and and grabbed in the crotch and not sexually penetrated. But "used their fists" is very ambiguous the way it is used in this sentence. Used their fists to assault him, used their fists to penetrate him?
In fact, though, we know virtually nothing specific.
A number of people are on this young man's case as suggesting he has been manipulating his parents, and one poster sounds quite smugly pleased about what I would consider the sloppiness of the hospital admin. I would cut him some slack since this is one-sided story by someone whose credibility is unknown and who is seeking validation.
The mother's knowledge comes from a daughter (did the daughter witness the event, or just hear stories about what supposedly happened?) and a son, who is clearly embarrassed and angry (judging from the posting), but since we don't know what the event was specifically, maybe his anger is directed toward his mother as much as the event. Just as it has been presented in the OP it is a very complicated series of events.
When I was in high school in the first half of the 1950's a male classmate, who in those days was described as "mentally retarded", and who had a reputation of liking male-male sexual activity, was attacked twice - once violently by two thuggish buddies who bragged about forcing him, and a second time by a group of guys, in which he willingly engaged in sex with two but who was then forced into sex with more. Another teenager, from a neighboring town who had a very hostile affect and was involved with a female classmate of mine, claimed to have been sodomized by some guys from our town as revenge for some actions.
So, I am not unaware how complicated such claims and events can be, and how wildly distorted and conflicting stories about them can become. And, not least of all, how very wrong public authorities/experts and go.
I think this C-D forum thread is a woeful place to seek validation and at this point (IMO)validation should be very far down on the list of concerns. The way the mother with her husband's unenthusiastic cooperation have handled things is a done deed, right or wrong...or both at various turns. If this story is true, I hope the OP stays out of here.
Having done nothing, he may have repressed the memory and gone on normally. however when a big deal is made it becomes a pivotal point in a person's life and occupies their thinking indefinitely. negatively
Unchecked the perpetrators of this heinous crime will likely escalate.
IMO unless there is some divine intervention things can only get worse with time.
If it were me as a parent, I would never allow my child to be mistreated in the manner in which you described. A catheter for a perfectly healthy 17 year old who doesnt have to urinate? Thats pretty heinous. The child was raped and you consented to allowing large men to hold him down, undress him and catheterize him. Now theyve locked him in a cell awaiting treatment, when a psychologist told you he would be willing to discharge him. Your peace of mind over his wellbeing may very well result in jeopardizing his well being later.
If i were your child, the minute i reached my majority you wouldnt see me again.
OP, I think your best intentions clouded your vision. I think you messed up here.
1) He can choose how he feels about the rape. There's no "right" way to respond to a trauma. Therapy was a good idea, but if he wasn't getting anything out of it or if it wasn't a good fit, you can't force it.
2) The drinking&driving absolutely warranted punishment. He got upset about it, which is a reasonable response from a 17yo.
3) LYING to take him to the ER was a mistake. If he says something Thursday evening, and then Friday afternoon, lying to take him to the ER on a Sat. morning and then doubling-down that you think he may be a danger to himself? Bad calls unless you have other reasons to be concerned, and certainly doesn't encourage open dialogue between you.
4) When you spent all night googling, did you find other mental health resources? Crisis lines, outpatient clinics, etc.? Did you call up his old therapist? Did you do anything other than panic? Because your googling should have shown you that the ER is AWFUL for mental health issues.
I get it... I'm a mom and a suicide survivor myself. But I agree that you acted out of fear and not reason. Catheterizing a 17yo for (I imagine) a drug test? Unfathomable.
ETA: This came out harsher than I meant. I know you were just trying to keep your child safe and do what you think is best. I encourage you to google mental health resources and not just signs/symptoms, so that you can formulate a better plan for the future, one that hopefully you will never need.
I'm sorry to hear what your son is going through, and frankly, I think he's still being victimized. I can understand how parents can overreact hearing a son's threat of suicide, but I think you are just adding to his torment, as is the treatment by this hospital. Catheterizing a 17 year old? Astounding.
The tone and treatment sound heartless. Teenagers go through tough emotional issues which may appear off the rails, but are really in the normal range. Your son, who gets good grades and sounds like he is an otherwise responsible/normal teen, was raped. Rape is no "right of passage"! That violation alone, at that age especially, will cause acute emotional issues. But, with the right therapist and family love & support, are resolvable. The doctor gave you a choice of inpatient or outpatient therapy, and if he thought he was in imminent danger, he would've admitted him. Outpatient therapy is the way to go, so that your son doesn't feel like he's the one being punished for something that happened TO him. In the hands of a competent therapist who can also support you in helping him, your son can get through this trauma.You need to be your son's advocate. I hope your son gets the help and support he needs without further harm.
Last edited by crillon; 09-03-2019 at 03:40 PM..
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