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Old 09-25-2019, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Massachusetts
33 posts, read 13,111 times
Reputation: 50

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Hello,

Thank you. I would agree to an extent about the friends thing, but his son is autistic and does not have the mental capacity of a 12 year old. It was suggested by bf’s therapist to meet at public places here and there and to start out being introduced as friends.

We do not hang out all that often the last time I saw his son was when my kids and I went to his bday party in August. He has asked two times for a play date with my daughter but I did not attend, I was at work and my bf picked her up and dropped her off home after the play date. I will bring your suggestions to him and I have every intention of rising above everything.

I will keep you posted. Thanks!
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Old 09-26-2019, 02:44 AM
 
1,426 posts, read 962,642 times
Reputation: 2600
Maybe I am reading this wrong.

Did xw have bf move in. Was kid present. mm now back with wife. And xw is complaining about her kid being around strange women (you).

And now mm moved out on xw.

If my read is correct you are going to see a lot of drama.

Suggest you re-access what you want and need from a relationship.
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Old 09-26-2019, 04:45 AM
 
7,138 posts, read 3,373,216 times
Reputation: 18726
If this austic child has the rationale to think that relationships between parents are for life then clearly he is able to be reasoned with. He needs family therapy to adjust to the reality that his parents love him and moved on in other relations.

This kid deserves to be treated no different. A reality check needs cashed in and dealt with.

His mother probably needs a clear line drawn on where her parent duty ends . It's not her place to interject her opinion on YOUR character or relation.

I would straight up tell her that antics are not welcomed but you'd be more then delighted to be amicable in the presence of the kid.
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Old 09-26-2019, 06:09 AM
 
66 posts, read 16,572 times
Reputation: 222
This is a no-win situation neither you nor your kid(s) need.

Explain in a friendly kind way to your bf that you need some space for a Little while to think things over.

I'm sure your bf is nice but he comes with too much drama, mainly his ex-wife. She will always be in the picture because of their son.

Do you want to be exchanging nasty text messages with her?

My guess is No.

Nice guy, too much baggage.

Move on, don't accept his calls, new phone #, etc.

This just wasn't the right one.

Plenty of fish in the sea.
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Old 09-26-2019, 07:21 AM
 
Location: NJ
667 posts, read 221,600 times
Reputation: 2509
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
This is a no-win situation neither you nor your kid(s) need.

Explain in a friendly kind way to your bf that you need some space for a Little while to think things over.

I'm sure your bf is nice but he comes with too much drama, mainly his ex-wife. She will always be in the picture because of their son.

Do you want to be exchanging nasty text messages with her?

My guess is No.

Nice guy, too much baggage.

Move on, don't accept his calls, new phone #, etc.

This just wasn't the right one.

Plenty of fish in the sea.
I dont understand this attitude at all. He could very well be the right one. Yes their child is something that holds them together but hes not a baby, hes 12. And special needs or not, hes getting close to the age where the parents need very little interaction. She does need to clarify the situation with him and the ex. But to say its over your child is too much and change your phone number is obsurd considering the only obstacle to their relationship is an ex. Lots of relationships survive and thrive with exes in the picture.

OP tell the kids your dating. Extend an olive branch to the ex. After the initial interaction with the ex, you dont need to interact with her at all. I stay 100% out of my husbands interactions with his ex wife. I didnt in the beginning because i had some idea that we would all be like a big family or whatever. I was wrong. She cant handle that. So i dont interact with her. We celebrate holidays seperately, he goes to his kids family party and then we have a small party with me and all our children together. He goes to dance recitals and baseball games alone. The kids are always excited to show me pics and tell me all about it, in the case of the girls they do their little dances for me that i missed. And it gives the children the comfort of knowing they still have both their parents without me but they also have a functioning family unit at my house. It is doable. It doesnt get easier for a while but if you care about him, its doable
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Old 09-26-2019, 12:31 PM
 
66 posts, read 16,572 times
Reputation: 222
The OP has asked for advice on what she can do/say to change the Dynamics of this man's life.

The reality is that she is powerless to change anything in his life, she can only do that for her own life.

She's unhappy with the current situation very obviously, she's wise to be so, nothing about the elements of this story bode well.

The boyfriend's special needs son is only 12, that is still very young.

The husband of a friend of mine has an autistic son in his 30s, his ex-wife still demands they go together to take care of him on a regular basis. And of course he goes, it's about caring for his son in need.

Olive branches are fine if both sides seek peace. Doesn't sound like that's the case in OP's situation.

Often we go with emotion rather than reason when it comes to relationships.

But OP has her own family to think of, not trying to fix the boyfriend's.

A timeout is called for, she can think about things without him around clouding her thinking.

A guy can be cute, nice but there's more to a quality relationship than physical charms.

Doesn't sound like this young man is the one the OP deserves based on what she has described.

I stand by my advice. Take a Timeout. If it's meant to happen taking a break won't hurt.
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Old 10-23-2019, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
33 posts, read 13,111 times
Reputation: 50
Thank you for your replies. Since my last posting bf’s son’s behavior became extremely difficult/violent since then, and we took a time out (with kids, we saw each other but kept kids out of it).

Xw also recently began attending son’s soccer games (He has been in a autism soccer team for years and she never had any interest, bf is an avid soccer player and always took son to his games and practices) and asking the coaches if she could help with the players (Coaches have nicely refused).

Bf’s son had a breakthrough last week and told bf that xw is bugging him about me, she asked him if he likes me better than her mm and how he’s a great guy and they are getting back together and are going to hanging out doing “fun stuff.” Bf talked with his son assuring him that he is the most important person in his life. Bf told me that his son’s behavior has been improving since that talk.

I told bf that I would be open to meeting his xw and he said no. I also asked him if we should tell kids we are dating and he was kind of against it although I believe his son knows I am his gf…So this is where we are at, taking it slow and not involving the kids; however I don’t know if this is the right thing. Bf is taking his son to therapy today so see how this issue can be resolved.
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Old 10-23-2019, 10:09 AM
 
8,364 posts, read 3,048,550 times
Reputation: 19158
My husband's ex wife is a volatile nut. We HAVE interacted, and sometimes (honestly, most times) it's been pleasant enough, but sometimes, she was completely over the top. I don't interact with her unless we're in the same room together, and that's only happened a couple, or 3 times.


It's SOOO right that you don't interact with ex wife. She's a drama machine, and her attitude is such, that there's no way, for now at least, that she's going to be a reasonable person.


I DO think it's time to tell the kids that you're the girlfriend. Seems like, to me, that if your man loves you, he will make you a priority. Of course, his son is the main priority, but I see no reason to *****-foot around the fact that he is in love with you, and you are indeed the girlfriend. It shows unity...a united front. Ex wife needs to see that. IMO, the ex-wife is playing everyone. She's not stupid. She's manipulative, but she's not stupid.
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Old 10-23-2019, 10:25 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
33 posts, read 13,111 times
Reputation: 50
Thanks. I agree that we are not a united front. I am going to address that when I talk to him.
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Old 10-23-2019, 11:00 AM
 
1,265 posts, read 1,595,245 times
Reputation: 3782
Yikes. Sounds like a rough road ahead if you want to stay involved with this man. Two main issues:

You cannot control his ex-wife's behavior. At. All. So you can wish she'd be a decent human being. You can think she should butt out of soccer practice. You can hope she'll stop talking trash about you and stirring up drama. My guess? It isn't going to happen. She managed to drive away his last ex by doing exactly what she's doing. Success! Why would she change now?

Ultimately you cannot change your BF's behavior either. You can tell him your concerns. You can tell him what you need in a relationship. But if he's not willing/able to make changes to make this workable, you need to seriously question whether you are okay staying in this relationship exactly like it is right now--with a man whose ex is volatile, with a tough situation with the kids, and with a guy who may be okay with forever putting your relationship on hold for his ex's drama.

The ex had her live in BF for years, so clearly there is no issue with presenting other partners to the kids. I wonder if the duplicity of you and your BF being less than truthful with his son and calling you "friend" while his mother tells the truth and says you're the GF (which the kid has clearly picked up on) is also contributing to his son's feelings of anxiety and anger. Yes, I understand the wisdom of introducing partners as a "friend" at first, but that would be when you didn't have a 3rd party around actively working to sabotage things, and also I think probably when we're talking much younger kids. You've said BF's son's mental capacity is that of a much younger child, except I'm not entirely buying that argument. If he's high functioning enough to be able to understand relationships to the point that he wants his mom and dad back together and can verbalize
Quote:
told bf that xw is bugging him about me, she asked him if he likes me better than her mm and how he’s a great guy and they are getting back together and are going to hanging out doing “fun stuff.”
? ...then IMHO he's able to understand the truth and misleading him may be doing more harm than good. You tried the friends route with the best of intentions and under the advice of the counselor. But it's a half-truth at best, and a deception at worst, and you have his mother actively whispering the truth into his ear, eroding all the good you might have hoped to build as he got used to you over time. So I would just come clean.
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