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Old 01-01-2020, 05:07 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,545 posts, read 44,872,886 times
Reputation: 91066


Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post

OP, you should not be exposing your family to these people's disfunction. The smashing of presents and pictures is a forewarning of what the son would like to do to you.

You are an observer here, not a player. You have no power to influence events.
I agree with this. I definitely don't think you should try to incorporate your own kids here, and I wouldn't trust anyone around my children who would say the things the ex has said.
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Old 01-02-2020, 01:03 PM
Location: Massachusetts
34 posts, read 13,559 times
Reputation: 50
Hello, thank you for all of your great advice. I emailed boyfriend the toolbox information from this website. Everyone’s advice was great and informative.

I was able to talk boyfriend and get more of the story. When son was yelling about my daughter’s gift boyfriend told him he would give back to me since he didn’t want/appreciate it. Son said no, he appreciates it and to say thank you but “Christy can’t be your girlfriend.” When son demanded he text me and say it’s over boyfriend told him he is not doing that. Son threw my gift but it didn’t break. He did smash the photo frame of us at work (Boyfriend did not react) and put it back together and back on his desk without being asked. Boyfriend said thank you and he begrudgingly said you’re welcome.

I now know why she was so upset last week as son is a lot smarter than his mom gives him credit for. She asked him where I work, he said IDK. She asked him where I live, he said IDK. She asked him what type of car I drive, he said IDK. As she was yelling at boyfriend she made the statement, “Everything is so SECRETIVE!” She is sooooo angry that she cannot find out any information about me. They live in a small town and everyone knows each other and I am in the city a few miles away and NO ONE knows me.

She also mentioned his ex-girlfriend (The one she ran off) stating, “(XGF) didn’t do you any favors and neither is Christy!” She also said that “We (Her and son) saw you two (Me and him) out together one night!!!” (Apparently, they saw us together somewhere when she was on “her” time with their son) and boyfriend does not know which night she was referring to but did not react to the comment.

I didn’t mention on the first post that his ex was due to move 1500 miles away with her married boyfriend (In August of 2018) and had relinquished all parenting duties to him. Prior to the move the boyfriend went back to his wife and she has been doting mother of the century ever since. Needless to say, I think his son has deep rooted issues because of this (He’s really a great kid!).

That being said, ending our relationship is not an option at this time. I have decided that we will hold off having all of the kids involved until his situation with her is resolved. He knows I have no ability to control his situation but I will be there to support him. Thank you again, I will keep you all posted.
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Old 01-02-2020, 01:29 PM
Location: Dunwoody,GA
2,032 posts, read 4,868,348 times
Reputation: 2401
But is he going to do anything about it? Is he going to take his ex to the therapist with him and work out a reasonable co-parenting plan? Is he going to lay down the law about her engaging in parental alienation behaviors that vilify him and his significant other? What exactly is the plan? Until he can demonstrate that he intends to put up boundaries and deal with her head-on, nothing will change. Is that going to work for you?
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Old 01-02-2020, 01:59 PM
Location: Massachusetts
34 posts, read 13,559 times
Reputation: 50

He said he wants to take the steps to rectify this. He has therapy next week and he is going to try to get his son into therapy. I know the ball is in his court, I gave him the information and this is something he needs to do on his own.
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Old 01-02-2020, 08:55 PM
69 posts, read 17,776 times
Reputation: 232
Good luck to you Christy, you're in a potentially dangerous situation.

You've been given some first class advice here, whether you choose to accept it or not is your choice.

Keep your wits about you.

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Old 01-15-2020, 01:01 AM
6 posts, read 879 times
Reputation: 10
Not every ex is capable of being friends, and she sounds like you need to not meet her. I am absolutely will not meet my SO's ex because she is also very much this same way (right down to the 5yr old kid lecturing dad about how he "never allowed mom to apologize so they could stay together" - mom broke the law and went to jail for a crime that is not forgivable, the 'get back together' ship sailed and promptly sank). She is toxic and using her "mom status" to control your boyfriend while manipulating the son. You know this already, though.

I would very seriously consider suggesting that he and her go into therapy together (without son) to learn how to better manage a special needs child between 2 households. He needs to keep a written log of each reaction she has, influence on son that is negative, and examples of every time she fills that boy's head with nonsense as a means to negatively impact the boy's opinion. In the event she cannot handle cooperating with dad for the sake of their son, he should also consider getting court action involved to take son full time and keep son on a routine that works for son. If she still cannot play nice, then he continues to log, hold her in contempt, and ask for supervised visitation. I'm not a lawyer (and cannot give legal advice), this is just general thoughts based on observing other family court cases; he would obviously want to consult with a lawyer.

Your boyfriend needs to learn "grey rock" reaction - essentially, no reaction. She no longer gets to call the shots for him, she cashed that card when she got involved with MM.

Boyfriend has a terrible habit of walking on eggshells for both xw and son. He has taught both of them that he will adjust his life based on their reactions. They both are controlling his life decisions because he is taking the path of least tantrum for every situation. I would recommend dad exploring how best to take healthy boundaries with son so that son can hopefully learn he isn't the adult or parent role with dad. Ideally, they want to move in the direction of thanking son for sharing his opinion, but also reminding son that having an opinion on the topic does not necessarily mean dad has to agree or follow that opinion. This will hopefully open the doors to son learning healthy reactions - as son grows up, he will encounter many life situations that are frustrating, and son needs to start the process of learning how to cope with an unfair world.

I commend your patience and willingness to support boyfriend through this. It is not an easy road, nor will it be short. Having a healthy partner to share life's ups and downs makes life a little better, though. I'm not in the "burn it all down" camp. I understand when you finally met someone that is a keeper, it's a rare treat and you don't want to just throw in the towel because they were unfortunate enough to having met their ex and produce a child from it.
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Old Today, 01:43 AM
Location: Massachusetts
34 posts, read 13,559 times
Reputation: 50
Thank you. He is a keeper. XW and her MM were to move 1500 miles away and she relinquished all parenting duties and told him to stop paying CS. He took their son full time, never got CS (She had him like 2 days a week), they never went to court but the conversation is all on email.

MM went back to his wife. BF still has their son full time.

XW told BF on December 5 that she wants their son back and CS. He told her he is willing to pay CS, but he would like to go back to court. She said “Ok, I’ll call (Lawyer that they used on D, she convinced him to use same lawyer). He said he wanted his own lawyer and she got angry with him and told him to **&^ off.

She just served him last week. We are going to a lawyer this week. So the fun begins!!!!
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