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Well, you have parents, and kids, and the kids' other parents. You might also have in-laws involved. Being a math nerd myself, I should point out that the more people are involved, the higher the chance of some serious conflict/incompatibility (remember that children are people too and can also have personality misfits/mismatches with others).
This isn't to say it can't work or that you shouldn't try, but rather that you need to be careful and conservative, and try to iron out the big issues before making a long term commitment.
I wanted to give you an update as I took all of your advice and talked to my boyfriend. His therapist agreed with me and he told his son that I am his girlfriend but that he is number one.
He went with his mom and came back and everything was fine until Christmas.
His son came home and saw gifts I had purchased for my boyfriend and a small gift my daughter bought on her own.
He freaked out saying, “you can’t have a girlfriend, break up with her now call her now, you’re affecting my life!” When my boyfriend asked how we were affecting his life he said, “I don’t know you just are!”
He called his mom and she flew over there to yell at my boyfriend telling him that she left her married boyfriend because of their son (with him right there) and that their son is not ready for either of them to be in a relationship.
The son threw the gifts and smashed them. He took him to the office the next day and he found a photo of us on the desk and smashed that too.
Boyfriend is going to therapy next week and has asked me to join him to try to figure out our next move. He wants to take his son to a therapy session but he needs the ok from his mom which I’m not sure if that will happen. I’ll keep y’all posted.
*The small gift my daughter bought was for his son.
*the mom said she dumped her married boyfriend because of their son (while pointing at their son) and how she sacrificed her relationship for their son.
What is the long-term care plan for the son? He's only 12. Do they think he will be independent enough to live on his own, or in a group home?
I'm asking because he is liable to be part of your lives for the duration. If the ex (mom) is as unhelpful as she is now, I wouldn't expect things to improve much.
The "intrusion" of you is a stressor for him, and he will need help to deal with it. Whether the mom allows it is another unknown.
I don't know the long term plan for his son. He is high functioning so I think his IEP has goals for his future.
One friend has told me to just hang out with him and my kids (As his son cannot handle it) and just keep his son out of the equation for a while. After I posted my first post when she found out about me, he almost got kicked out of soccer for aggressive behavior which she blamed our relationship for (We have not hung out with his son since my post but he did tell son I am his girlfriend).
Another friend (Who is a therapist) said that he needs to pull away from her and have little contact, tell her he is not listening to her yelling and needs to go back to court to modify their custody agreement. she said his ex is emotionally abusing his son and he needs to protect himself and his son and create boundaries. She said that he is "treating her like a friend when she is not" and she disagrees with him hanging with my kids as "They will bond with a man that will never blend families."
I don't know how I feel right now. I am trying to be positive and understanding but it is hard. Boyfriend's xw and he developed a schedule way before I met him; where he drops off his son to her on Saturday night. Once he dropped him off and his xw said to his son, "Look at your father, all dressed up..He must be going on a date...He doesn't want to be with you tonight!" So now on Christmas the son accused him of dropping him off on Saturday nights only to be with me. Boyfriend tried to explain that is the schedule he and his mom agreed to; but his son kept calling him a liar.
When she flew over there to yell at him she said that she's known him for this amount of years and he is not the same man he used to be, that he needs to take a long look in the mirror. (I think she is upset because he no longer responds to her nasty texts or explains himself to her anymore like he did in the past).
I am perplexed as we have not hung out with the kids, we have just went out on our date nights (His son said we are affecting his life but we see each other ONLY when he is with his mom). On drop off Sunday she said to him in front of his son, "If you don't want to take (son) for NYE so you can do something with Christy, I would be haaapppppy to take him." Boyfriend said no, that's my night and I was planning on spending NYE with him. Their son appeared to be upset by that conversation.
A few weeks ago offered up their son on an additional night (One of our date nights) and he asked me about it. I told him his son comes first and I thought it would be better for his son to start taking him on an additional night. I think she was trying to trip him up because when he took her up on the offer she got angry and said that he misunderstood her.
One of his friends told him to say to the son, "Your mother doesn't want to see me happy. Christy makes me happy. I know she is your mom and you love her but she is making up stories." But I don't know if this is good advice. We are doing nothing until he sees his therapist.
Sorry you're going through this. I think son going to therapy seems like a good plan. Has there been any talk of boyfriend setting limits, like his ex not being allowed to "fly over there" to his house in a rage to scream at him in front of his son? A big piece of this to me seems to be that the ex has figured out that she can drive the girlfriends away by manipulating the kid. You can't control what she says to the son during his time with her. However, your boyfriend could certainly set hard boundaries (i.e. don't have the ex at the house, meet to exchange kids at McDonalds, if she comes over uninvited, crazy screaming, tell her through to the door he will call the police if she doesn't leave immediately rather than allow her inside.) Instead, he's making it clear she is in charge, she will run your lives, and she will make all the decisions.
Lots of exes get along great and the children are happier for it. But in your case I wonder if this is a case of good fences make good neighbors.
Long term, if son is not able to live independently, the plan may be for him to live with his mother or father as an adult. Or maybe in a group home. But you should prepare yourself that if son has difficulty controlling emotions and outbursts due to his disability, and his mother is the type to stir him up rather than serve as a calming force, you may be in for a long road ahead.
Another friend (Who is a therapist) said that he needs to pull away from her and have little contact, tell her he is not listening to her yelling and needs to go back to court to modify their custody agreement. she said his ex is emotionally abusing his son and he needs to protect himself and his son and create boundaries. She said that he is "treating her like a friend when she is not" and she disagrees with him hanging with my kids as "They will bond with a man that will never blend families."
Completely agree with this. The ex sounds volatile and I do not understand based on your posts why your boyfriend continues to tolerate her behavior. I would stop all contact. They can exchange the kids in a parking lot. He should say nothing. Get his kid in the car as quickly as possible. If she's chasing after him screaming he should not respond. He should not respond to calls or texts that are not an urgent, relevant matter about their children. He should save copies of all harassing texts and messages to play in court. She should not be allowed at his house.
I might hold off having your kids bond with him until you are certain you will be okay marrying into this situation exactly as it is.
Another friend (Who is a therapist) said that he needs to pull away from her and have little contact, tell her he is not listening to her yelling and needs to go back to court to modify their custody agreement. she said his ex is emotionally abusing his son and he needs to protect himself and his son and create boundaries.
This ^^ is good advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy22
One of his friends told him to say to the son, "Your mother doesn't want to see me happy. Christy makes me happy. I know she is your mom and you love her but she is making up stories."
OP, the more relevant question is why you're allowing this sort of chaos and disfunction to enter your life.
The son sounds dangerous on his own and when stirred up by his mother he might have the potential to be physically harmful. Especially as he enters the teen years.
But whether or not the son is acting on his own or being influenced by his mother, it doesn't matter. It's still an unstable potentially dangerous situation.
OP, you should not be exposing your family to these people's disfunction. The smashing of presents and pictures is a forewarning of what the son would like to do to you.
You are an observer here, not a player. You have no power to influence events.
My initial advice (that some didn't care for) hasn't changed with this update:
Get out of this situation now before it's gone even further into Crazy Town.
Your friend is probably very nice but he isn't available for a relationship right now, if indeed he ever will be.
The way I see this is that this is ENTIRELY your boyfriend's issue to handle. He needs to manage his ex-wife and child and you need to stay out of it. If he can't get the situation in hand now, it's only going to get worse as the son ages. YOU need to decide if you are in this for the long haul because it's never going to be easy. A child with special needs (even a high-functioning one) is going to demand extra time and attention over a neurotypical child and it certainly sounds as though he's being fed an earful from his mother and he (the autistic child) does not have the cognitive wherewithal to display any empathy toward you or your child or to rationally examine the situation and determine that he is being manipulated.
Is this guy worth it? If not, get out now. It's never going to be easier.
Last edited by CMMom; 01-01-2020 at 04:04 PM..
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