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Old 09-25-2019, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
31 posts, read 11,479 times
Reputation: 50

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A little backstory.

I come from the relationship vlog about my xb who dumped me three times and tried to get me back when I began dating my current bf (We now have been together for a little over a year). Not sure if I am in the right forum but here goes:

Bf has an autistic son and been divorced for four years; his xw cheated on him with a married man, he moved out and the MM moved in the family home two months later. MM never got divorced and went back to his wife in September of this year.

We have recently introduced our kids to each other (Slowly) and they get along well. We told them we are just friends. We do small day trips together and we do not sleepover anyone’s house when kids are home.

Everything was fine until his xw became aware of me about two weeks ago. She made a comment to bf about how he has “her son” around a “strange woman that I don’t even know” and “I know you told him SHE is your friend but he’s reading between the lines!”

Ever since his xw found out, their son has had severe anxiety making comments about how his life sucks because they’re divorced and that he and his mom should get back together. He is now asking my bf invite her places like out to dinner, on outings and just to hang at house to watch tv together. He also has said “You left mom without trying to keep our family together, you gave up on our family.”

Right now I am trying to be positive and not react. How do we (or I) deal with this? Thank you!
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,147 posts, read 44,502,910 times
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If you've been together over a year, I would have thought he would have introduced you to the mother of his child by now. That was a blunder on his part.

It's weird that he wouldn't have even TOLD her about you until recently. It's natural that she would have concerns. But it's not appropriate for her to negatively influence the son, if that is what's actually happening.

Your BF has to have a sit-down with her.
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:19 AM
 
1,244 posts, read 466,080 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
If you've been together over a year, I would have thought he would have introduced you to the mother of his child by now. That was a blunder on his part.

It's weird that he wouldn't have even TOLD her about you until recently. It's natural that she would have concerns. But it's not appropriate for her to negatively influence the son, if that is what's actually happening.

Your BF has to have a sit-down with her.
Yes to all of that. I think it's totally fair for a parent to meet someone who is going to be spending significant time with their kid. But they need to agree not to trash-talk each other around their son.
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,791 posts, read 8,209,386 times
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How old is the son? That does influence what the BF should say to him.
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:38 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
31 posts, read 11,479 times
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Hello,


Thanks for the replies. His son is 12 and he is autistic. I don't know why he didn't introduce her to me but I am guessing its because they do not get along. They have a tumultuous relationship. She and his xg hated each other and texted one another nasty text messages. The xg and xw also badmouthed each other to the kids and xg eventually left him.
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:43 AM
 
1,260 posts, read 1,589,490 times
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This behavior is harmful for the kid and needs to be shut down. Could it be that your boyfriend's ex-wife has decided she'd like him back? Or doesn't like the idea that your boyfriend has been bringing you around her son for an entire year without introducing you to her first? Yes, I know she brought married dude into her household as well. That was also inappropriate. But two wrongs don't make a right, OP.

Your role in this is to stay out of it. This is their child, and their business. You are not even the stepmother, just the girlfriend. Were I talking to your boyfriend, I would advise him to call his ex-wife and talk to her about the situation with the son, apologize for not having introduced you before, and arrange a time when the three of you can meet. I would keep it civil and just keep it to the facts. We're dating. We've taken the kids on a few day trips. Do not respond or rise to the bait if she attacks you. While she may be in the wrong, she is the mother of his children, which means she's the one in this scenario who is a permanent fixture. You have to rise above.

As they are no longer a couple and he is in a relationship with someone else, it's not really appropriate for him to ask her out to dinner, go hang out at her house, go on family outings with her, etc, and the act of doing so may send very confusing messages for his son. I assume your BF already understands this, and yet I wouldn't get into it with the son either as it would just put him in the middle of their drama. Someone needs to be the adult. I would just have lots of times for dad to spend time with his son and do outings with him on his custody days. I would also make sure that on dad's custody days, there are opportunities for it to be just him and son (not you) so that while son is experiencing this anxiety, he's not overwhelmed by your presence.
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
31 posts, read 11,479 times
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Hi Kitkat bar,


Thank you for your reply. I have not been introduced the whole year, we just began meeting at public places with the kids probably for about a month now (Equally to probably 3 day trips so far).


We have told all the kids that we are friends...
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:15 AM
 
1,525 posts, read 622,749 times
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You guy's mistake was telling your kids that you guys are just friends crap.When you tell people or children the truth up front, then everyone is on the same page.This guy's son STILL thinks that he and his mom can get back together because as you guys stated to him...you guys are 'just friends'. You should have been honest from the get go with the kids and told them that you guys are dating.Dating and 'just friends' are 2 different things although people who don't know how to be upfront will tell some people that they're 'just friends' when they are much more then that.
Being honest would have been the best thing to do.
I hope your bf has a backbone and is telling his son that they are no longer together and that YOU is whom he is dating now...if not, the relationship will be a pain in the butt to be in..especially having to deal with his ex if HE isn't putting his foot down.

Last edited by codergirl; 09-25-2019 at 11:24 AM..
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Orig. Maryland. CA/TX.
589 posts, read 123,035 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy22 View Post
Hi Kitkat bar,


Thank you for your reply. I have not been introduced the whole year, we just began meeting at public places with the kids probably for about a month now (Equally to probably 3 day trips so far).


We have told all the kids that we are friends...
Well that's lie number 1. Are you two just friends? No? Then say it!
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:46 AM
 
1,260 posts, read 1,589,490 times
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I would have to agree with the "friends" part. If we were talking a very young child (toddler) then perhaps "friends" would be okay for a bit at first as they get adjusted to the new person. But a 12-year-old is old enough (obviously, since he is put out about the state of his parents' relationship) to understand relationships and dating. Therefore being honest all around with everyone would be the way to go.

OP, I would suggest your boyfriend sit his kids down and explain that you and he are dating. I would suggest he offer to set up a coffee date where you, he and his ex can meet because her wanting to meet the person her children are spending time with is completely reasonable. If she doesn't take you up on it, then you made the offer. Then, I would prepare myself to do a lot of being the bigger person and rising above, if you want to stay in a relationship with this man. You cannot control her behavior. She will always be a permanent fixture in his life through the children they chose to have together. Your choice is how you react to it.
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