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[quote=grad_student200;56320546]There are horror stories at the Department of Children and Families over in FL about children with absent dads who fall into a world of juvenile delinquency. You seem to have prevented a lot of that by being present in her life and providing a stable home.
/QUOTE]
There are also many children with absent dads (or moms) who grow up to be good people, contributing members of society, make a lot of money, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict
From what the OP is saying, it doesn’t sound like getting a roommate or renting her own place is a possibility if she would need four roommates. It sounds like he must live in a high COL area where renting rooms is quite expensive. It is not uncommon for kids to stay at home when the area has a very high COL and moving out is not feasible. In places like the SF Bay Area, even singles in the tech sector have roommates. It is unrealistic to expect someone on a grocery store salary to be able to pay market rent for a room.
That said, she should contribute a reasonable amount to the household expenses. Perhaps if that happens, she’d consider trying to move up in her career or looking for a higher paying job. It is easy enough to be complacent when everything is free.
And then what? Is she really going to live with her parents for the rest of their lives?
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux
Hi
Yes she has plans to get married with her boyfriend and they want to buy a house soon too. I would say within a year.
Pat
Is this guy pretty responsible? Does he have enough money to swing all the bills by himself if it comes to that (since it sounds like he has been doing, this must be the case). Is he fine with possibly having to do all the chores and such (or, it's possible she'll change, but I hope he's not counting on that as a sure thing). What happens if they split up, then where does she go?
She has a job, she makes money, it sounds like she is responsible in that way. This is good. But, if she does not make enough money to live on her own, then she will need to either try to make more money so she can, or make sure she never has to live on her own (or with anyone who can't afford the majority of the bills if she can't afford even half).
There are horror stories at the Department of Children and Families over in FL about children with absent dads who fall into a world of juvenile delinquency. You seem to have prevented a lot of that by being present in her life and providing a stable home.
/QUOTE]
There are also many children with absent dads (or moms) who grow up to be good people, contributing members of society, make a lot of money, etc.
And then what? Is she really going to live with her parents for the rest of their lives?
Is this guy pretty responsible? Does he have enough money to swing all the bills by himself if it comes to that (since it sounds like he has been doing, this must be the case). Is he fine with possibly having to do all the chores and such (or, it's possible she'll change, but I hope he's not counting on that as a sure thing). What happens if they split up, then where does she go?
She has a job, she makes money, it sounds like she is responsible in that way. This is good. But, if she does not make enough money to live on her own, then she will need to either try to make more money so she can, or make sure she never has to live on her own (or with anyone who can't afford the majority of the bills if she can't afford even half).
That is the point of making her pay while she is living with her parents. Like I said, market rate might not be affordable, but if she is not living FOR FREE, it will make her realize that something might need to change in the future. She might want to consider getting more education, moving somewhere cheaper, or promotion opportunities at the grocery store where she can make more money. What incentive does she have to even move up when she is living with her parents for free and has almost no expenses other than what I assume is a car/insurance? The parents can easily say “we’re going to charge you $500 a month starting in 90 days, and then after six months, we’ll raise it again another $50 to keep up with inflation/expenses.”
When choosing the "pay up or get out",the results can run amuck. The Parents become landlords and boy can that be a mess. Suddenly the paying tenant creates rightful demands. Starts complaining about xyz to be fixed. Or to have certain rights invoked. No longer can you ask the tenant to do dishes or to clean up their room.
My friend tried that route with her nephew . He paid weekly and she ended up losing money by all his complaints he filed with the housing board.
I've no problems treating adults as adults. Each recognizing the skills and contributions to a household.
Direct it with a stance of adult to adult. Not parent and child.
That is the point of making her pay while she is living with her parents. Like I said, market rate might not be affordable, but if she is not living FOR FREE, it will make her realize that something might need to change in the future. She might want to consider getting more education, moving somewhere cheaper, or promotion opportunities at the grocery store where she can make more money. What incentive does she have to even move up when she is living with her parents for free and has almost no expenses other than what I assume is a car/insurance? The parents can easily say “we’re going to charge you $500 a month starting in 90 days, and then after six months, we’ll raise it again another $50 to keep up with inflation/expenses.”
What incentive does she have to move when she can live with mom and dad for less than it would cost her to live elsewhere?
I think the best if your daughter moves out into her own place vs you starting charging her- it is awkward and won’t improve your relationship- it could make it petty between the 3 of you and will lead to more aggravation and resentment.
You can sit her down one day and say, surprise!
We decided to help you out honey- found a few cute little apartments for you to move in.
It is time for you to try to be on your own- at your age your Mom was already married and started a family!
Let’s schedule to go and look at the apartments on the day off- go all 3 as a family- even invite a boyfriend.
Tell her that she can take whatever furniture she needs from the house and all household necessities- pans, dishes, etc. Even offer to pay her security deposit, etc.
Look for an attractive place for her-in a good area, safe, let it be very small if it is an expensive part of town - you need her to get excited about moving out!
( she could go for coffee nearby or a bar without driving, grocery, shopping, movies, etc)
It may bring all of you closer together, add some excitement ( new adventures) in finding the right safe place.
Dad may need to help to move, fix something, Mom will help with curtains, decoration, etc
You even can assure her that if something unforeseen happens she always welcome back to your home.
At 26 it is a bit late for you to give her lectures about turning the lights off.
In her place when her bills are high- you may suggest for her the way to cut it by turning the lights off.
So instead of annoying lecture now in your home - it will look like a valuable advice from her dearest Dad.
Mom could cook something and drop it off for her child at her place every now and then to help her and to have an outlet for her feelings towards her baby! ( Occasional extra groceries drop off, etc could be welcome too, especially at the beginning)
It will be interesting to check the boyfriend’s reaction as well regarding your daughter getting her own place: if he is serious- he could suggest to her to move in with him and save some money? Or even marriage?
It is better I think, than to start charging her.
Then you can let go- she has a dirty apartment- she has to clean it, at least you won’t have to nag her with chores - and let her be, figure it all out by herself- with possibly your gentle recommendation..
Say that once a month- she have to prepare dinner - and you both come for a visit- it should keep her on her toes as far as cleaning.
Then, once a month- she would come to dinner with her boyfriend to your house..
It could be very nice
A sit-down discussion with her is a must. You don't have to charge her rent, but explain to her that at her age, and working full-time, she needs to contribute to the household expenses and doing chores. Give her a choice: 1) Move out and you'll help her out when needed as suggested above by Nik4me, and 2) Contribute to the household expenses like paying the entire utilities bills (electric/garbage/water/internet), doing chores like cleaning the house every other week, cooking/doing dishes 3 nights a week. By giving her choices, whichever she pick will be her choice, and make sure she follow through (if she decides to move out, give her a 6 months deadline so she can save some money to feel secure about it, and help her pay the first, last, deposit. You want her to learn to be independent without too much anxiety.
I'll share what a mature, responsible daughter does while they live at home. Our daughter moved home (partly because she couldn't find a professional job in her HCOL city and partly to help with her disabled father). Typically, she did her own laundry, did her own grocery shopping (paid for it out of her own money), did her own cooking and did more than half of the household chores and cleaning (without being asked). She also helped with various caregiving activities with her dad. This was in addition to her full time job. I was also working full time.
After her dad had a traumatic brain injury and was in and out of the hospital, Daughter really amped up her help. While continuing to work full time she took over all of the family laundry, all the cleaning & household chores, all the grocery shopping, all of her cooking and most of my cooking and helped from 10 to 20 hours a week with caregiving (when her dad was out of the hospital). BTW, I didn't have to ask her to do those things she did them on her own as her contribution to the family (she was not paying rent).
How did we raise such a responsible daughter? She had chores and responsibilities, as a family member, since she was a child. Also, she had lived on her own in apartments and ran her own life for several years before she moved home. She understood everything that needed to be done to keep a household running smoothly.
IMHO, your daughter needs to start "pulling her own weight" as a contributing member of the family and stop acting like a lazy tween. I would give her an ultimatum and a deadline and if she doesn't follow through ask her to leave (insist that she leave). You are enabling her and keeping her as a child by not expecting her to share in the household responsibilities.
Even if she starts paying $100 a week (which is quite low) she still should be responsible for her share of cleaning. If she lived in an apartment (or with her BF) would she just expect them to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry? A roommate would kick her out very quickly if she didn't do her share of the joint housework.
You're very fortunate to have such a thoughtful and responsible daughter. Sometimes, children raised by the same set of parents still turn out very different. Congratulations!
Me and my wife are in our early 50's, very happily married for 26 years. We own a cozy little house in Georgia which is paid for, have had great jobs for the last 20 years and have 2 dogs.
We have a 26 Y.O. daughter which I would like to have opinions from you.
My daughter when graduated from high school refused to go to college and wanted to start working. We tried everything to have her go to college to no avail.
She got hired in a grocery store ever since. She is a good employee and never miss a day at work. She does not do drugs, drinks moderately and has never been arrested as she is a law abiding citizen. She is not a bad person.
My daughter has been in a serious relationship for the last 2 years with a very serious young man. We really like that guy. He is kind, hard working and very good with money.
Our daughter at 26 still lives with us, in fact she lives half and half at our place and his. We don't charge her anything for rent, food and utilities.
Here is what gets to my nerves. She doesn't do anything around the house. We have to tell her everything just like when she was 8 Y.O.
"Please set up the dinner table", "Please take the garbage out", "Please feed the dogs" and so on...
Most of the time it's me saying it not my wife.
I find my wife very weak with her and she will do everything for her, I am not as easy going.
My wife had double knee replacement surgery a month ago and is in pain most of the time and she will get up and cook dinner and serve it to her while she sits on the couch on her phone non stop.
She will not turn the lights off or her TV when she gets out of rooms for an extended period of time. She will often forget to rinse the bathtub after a bath and so on...
One day with her old boyfriend she had a fight with him she told us. We asked what append?
She said he got to her about not turning TV's and lights off when she is in another room. So apparently it's not just me. She is on a cloud it seems, not taking responsibilities beside at her job.
She told us she does not pay anything with her boyfriend either.
Worse for me, she has a sharp mouth and I bite my tongue quite often. I have had a medical condition which creates quite a bit of pain and still work 50-60 hours a week to provide for my family. She would never tell me "How are you feeling dad?", "Feel better dad" and so on.
We don't fight at all her and me but we are not close at all. She is closer to my wife which will listen to her for hours just replying "Yes I agree", "oh yes indeed".
I tell my wife often that she should help wake her up to the real world, that even if she is our kid and we love her, she has to start pulling her weight more.
Every so often I tell my wife to talk to her about all these things. So for 2 days my daughter helps then she stops.
I know well that my wife is afraid of loosing her baby for good. That she slams the door and say good-bye for good. I do not see that happening at all as there are really no big problems between us.
Just yesterday my wife told me she would talk to her. I replied no that I will talk to her myself this time.
I will tell her everything I wrote above and that from now on she is going to have to pay $100/week for rent/food and utilities.
What do you all think? Am I being too hard with her? Is my wife too weak? I am going to wait for feedback here prior to talk to her.
Thanks for your time
Pat
You created the problem.
She should have been paying rent after she graduated HS and started working full time. It would have been different if she was living at home and going to college, but she chose not to do that.
You better hope she marries this guy, otherwise you will have a 40 year old who is useless and doesn't pay you rent.
Thanks so much for the detailed answer. You seem to understand what I am going through. I just had another talk with my wife and she agrees with me for the most part.
We are going to have a serious talk with her and see what happens (I will be included in the talk this time as usually I have my wife do it).
Thanks so much
Pat
You honestly think having a "serious talk" is going to resolve this? Good luck with that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104
I think this is key. I don't think the OP's daughter has made the mental transition from childhood/family home to adult cohabitating in her parent's home. I had this issue with my daughter and I had to remind her that we enjoyed having her in our home but it was our home and we are entitled to make changes that work for us.
OP, I think you should explain that since she is now a mature adult, you expect her to contribute as she would sharing space with roommates. She shouldn't expect the same privileges from parents that are given to a child living at home. What you propose sounds reasonable.
A mature adult? Try an entitled brat.
She couldn't even be bothered to help out after her mother had double knee surgery.
It's laughable how anyone can think having one talk is going to undo years of behavior, that OP and his wife allowed.
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