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This may be somewhat controversial, but I'm just here to speak from my own experience. I've hidden my story in a spoiler just in case. You have been warned.
Also, it's best to be polite to everyone by default, no matter the dynamic between you. The only exception is if they're being mean to you, you've tried being nice and they didn't stop then, in which case it's best to just ignore them (or better yet, avoid them altogether or tell an authority figure if either are possible).
Spoiler
In late 2016, I figured out that I was gay. My mom saw no difference whatever I was, and I knew I was at least bi since July that year. However, dad couldn't come to terms with it for some time despite not being downright unsupportive.
In June 2017, I went to a pride event with my parents. Dad wasn't as comfortable with it as mom was; I was uncomfortable too, but for very different reasons (it was my first time going to one, and it was the not-so-great Cookeville one). Dad has never gone to any pride events with mom and I since.
By late 2017, our father-son relationship started to experience strain. I was close to fully coming out and told most of his family and my friends, but he and his mom both wanted me to remain closeted and didn't bother hiding that. However, encouragement from mom, her mom and some of my friends led me to disrespect their wishes by mid 2018. This, combined with heated disagreements over my friends, made things crack from the strain.
What disagreements over my friends, you ask? I was growing tired of one of my friends because I not only had no interest to begin with, but I also felt compelled to remain around her because of dad and was uncomfortable with her somewhat controlling nature (grudge against my first crush, trying to discourage my advances on other guys, trying to stop me from talking about LGBT-related stuff openly, etc.). She even tried to discreetly expose my non-religiousness to my best friend in July 2018, probably because she realized I was more interested in him and didn't like that. Thankfully, my best friend either didn't hear, didn't know what she meant or simply didn't care.
I "purged" most of my friends, including both of them, out of panic in late September 2018. Dad disapproved of me ending my friendship with the girl, but it was my best friend I actually regretted first and that led to me un-purging most of them gradually. The girl was one of few I didn't.
By spring 2019, our father-son relationship was breaking at the seams. He disapproved of me wearing jewelry in public and even more so of mom doing my nails, even going as far as rudely commenting on the latter once and insisting that I wear gloves over them at times. He also suggested that I get them done a neutral color or not at all right before a party we had in July 2019, but mom and I didn't heed his advice a second time.
Throughout this time period, he also advised me not to talk about LGBT-related stuff with my non-LGBT friends or even ask them if they knew any guys, but I very rarely listened. It did make some people uncomfortable, but I simply cut them off. It only made about half of them uncomfortable, and I'm still friends with about a third of them (the other sixth deserting me on their own for other reasons). Plus, there was actually one bisexual girl I knew who even went to Nashville Pride 2019 but frequently argued with me about whether I should continue pursuing a boyfriend, which was also what ended our friendship.
As for it not being "OK" to disrespect adults in general (a point made early in this thread), please hear me out: I have a close friend who is 10 years older than me and multiple other friends who are also adults. Sure, I'd never intentionally disrespect them anyways, but befriending someone is kind of the polar opposite to me. Plus, what about the fact that an 18-year-old adult and 17-year-old teen are just a year apart in age (if even that), as well as the fact that only someone's legal guardian(s), a law enforcement official or a politician can actually legally influence them in certain ways?
Moral of the story: Respect has to be earned, and disrespecting someone first is the ideal way to lose favor at best, respect in most cases and them caring for your well-being at worst.
Thank you for all the replies. I agree I could have handled the pants thing better. I really wasnt trying to confront him, I was trying to ascertain if he changed clothes already or if he was changing now. I wasnt there when he got home from school so I tried to get the info from his father. It was just a disaster all around. My real issue was being told to chill by a kid who lives in my house. I'm not his friend, I'm his parent. Step kid or not. He lives with us and is a good kid most of the time. He and I get along fine we have a fine relationship.
I disagree that because hes my stepson that he doesnt have to respect me or that I should just let him be. He lives with us, has for over a year. I've been his stepmom for almost 6 years. I am his everyday "mother" figure. And generally that's fine. I have no issue telling him to straighten up at school or to do his chores or whatever. This was just not the first time he told me to "chill" and something about the flippant way he says it really rubs me wrong.
His father talked to him about speaking in a more respectful manner. He doesnt have to agree with the things we say but he does have to address those disagreements more respectfully.
Sunbelt- your story is a story of blatant and ongoing disrespect and violations of your self which of course does not deserve respect in return. And I dont diminish your story by saying this, but my son is just being flippant because he doesnt like what was said and that attitude isnt acceptable.
Well damn! Im 50 and wear my PJ bottoms out on occasion. On purpose!
Nah, he shouldn't have smarted off to you, but hes a teenager, so...….
Haha, our kids all wear sweatpants and basketball shorts ALL THE TIME but plaid pajama pants are not outside the house clothes. Maybe running to walgreens or something but not a trip to the mall.
Haha, our kids all wear sweatpants and basketball shorts ALL THE TIME but plaid pajama pants are not outside the house clothes. Maybe running to walgreens or something but not a trip to the mall.
Wearing pajama bottoms in public is one of the lowest-class things people can do. But, hey, whatever floats their boat.
I remember one time, when I was a kid, my mom said something to me that I didn't like (I don't remember what it was) and I walked away, muttering something negative about my mom.
She called me back into the kitchen, got down on her knees to be eye level with me, and said "I don't EVER want to hear you say a bad thing about me ever again. If you've got something mean to say, you better make sure I don't hear it. Go in your room, go outside, go to the bathroom, I don't care where you go, but I better not hear it. Do you understand?"
I was trying to get input from my husband's without involving SS but my husband's is hopelessly clueless. Once SS snapped at me while leaving the room and husband snapped at me saying "hes wearing pants" then I felt ganged up on. Maybe I'm too old fashioned but pj pants ARE NOT "pants" they are pajamas.
Ding ding.. there's your 'problem'.
Now be a BIG Girl and take responsibility for marrying and living with someone that clueless. You think you're going to 'change him' at this age? The best you can do is calm down, swallow your pride and anger, explain to your husband the issues. Kids of divorced or single parents at a young age also grow up resentful, with confusing ques. There's your other issue too.
And a step parent has to work that much harder to earn that 'soft power'... hard power as in what you did there doesn't work anymore.
And a 16 yr male teen going to a sweet 16 party? He probably doesn't even want to go.
Clothing is not the hill I'm going to die on with my kids. And PJ pants are not that different from sweats, leggings, running pants, etc. Plus, if he wears them to a party and gets laughed at, that's on him.
And I'm sorry, but "chill" would barely register on my insult-o-meter. So maybe your husband is not "clueless" but rather has a different opinion on what constitutes disrespect.
If *you* want to improve how he communicates with *you* then you are free to discuss what is ok and what is not, and model that behavior in your own communication.
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The best you can do is calm down, swallow your pride and anger, explain to your husband the issues. Kids of divorced or single parents at a young age also grow up resentful, with confusing ques. There's your other issue too. 
