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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,629 posts, read 17,961,729 times
Reputation: 50652
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LO28SWM
He was wearing plaid pajamas. If it was sweats or basketball shorts or sweat shorts or whatever i would not have said anything. But plaid pajamas are not acceptable public clothing. He is wearing black real pants, a white button down with small black polka dots and grey suspenders and bow tie to his party. because he knows how to dress nicely when he wants. but i wont take him shopping and dinner in plaid pajamas.
I DO consider a teenager telling me, his parent, to chill as disrespectful. When i explained to my husband he understood. His cluelessness wasnt on the chill part it was on the pajamas are or arent pants part. and they arent. despite his insistence that "pajama pants" have the word "pants" in the name and therefore are pants.
Are you saying there's a "sweet 16 party" for a boy?
I thought this was a party he was invited to, and wanted to dress up for, thus the need for the trip to the mall.
Teens have a LOT going on in their minds, organically, even before you add the outside influences - good and not-so-good - of friends, family, society. They are nearly adults, but each is at their own pace and some don't catch up to their bodies until their 20s.
Respect is not a given, it is earned through trust.
Anyone who goes with the "They must respect me simply because I am their parent/teacher/boss/drill instructor/etc." is on a fool's errand. They may get the immediate result wanted, but in the long run will never get respect. Or trust. Only fear and resentment.
IMO, his actions show he did not respect your time, which is limited (probably already stretched, frankly) as a parent. Which hit you at a bad time and pushed you "into the red." It happens. Sometimes intentionally. Learning to recognize it and bring yourself back is a valuable skill.
And, it sounds like you are having to do a lot of the parenting yourself as your husband is "clueless."
IMO, this was between you and SS. Bringing your husband into this did you no favors in this particular incident.
However, your husband's cluelessness will continue if he does not choose to break the cycle. And that is unfair to you, SS and DS. Maybe some family counseling or marriage counseling will help. Otherwise, prepare to be the parent in the house.
I get the emotional aspect of it. I have 2 young kids and still will get into a situation where it gets emotional, more so bc I think my wife hasn't been doing what she's supposed to leading to 'issues' with the kid's habits. I've still got work at more calmly communicating it vs getting 'angry' which doesn't work effectively.
However, having been a teenage boy myself, that age is where one is very angry and withdrawn and prone to anti-social feelings. It's already pissy wondering "why the heck couldn't I have both parents still around.. like WTF" type mood. Then all of a sudden, a replacement comes in and gives attitude? My dad doesn't operate like this. Why are they so different in what they get mad at? The feeling of resentment can build up "ohh, you can do this to me now because you have the power.. but just wait once I'm old enough.. F this person".
Just a perspective I think you should consider given a certain entitled energy of "I'm his parent".. whereas he's probably thinking "no, you're not my real parent... just a legal guardian or legal parent. Than ends when I turn XX according to state law".
Basically, respect is a 2 way street in today's society. Top down I'm the boss approach doesn't work the way it used to.
So first, I'm 32 and my stepson is almost 16. I'm young enough that I remember being a crabby teenager but I grew up in the south with strict family and while I was wild and dumb I was not allowed to be disrespectful.
Today we are supposed to take SS to shop for sweet 16 party at the mall. I come home with my kindergartener to find SS wearing pajamas making a bowl of ice cream, we are supposed to be leaving. I point to his plaid pajama pants (in an effort to not say outloud in front of him) because I want to ask my husband if he changed since I wont take him to the mall in plaid pjs. My husband (clearly clueless) is like what, what are pointing at. So I say SS is wearing pjs and making ice cream i thought we were going to the mall. He says hes been wearing them all day. Well pjs arent pants and I'm not taking him in public wearing them. To which SS replies I'm gonna change chill you dont gotta get an attitude as he walks out of the room with his ice cream.
This made me really mad. I'm not a friend of his to be told to "chill". I'm getting very frustrated with him telling me to chill or saying not to get an attitude with him. Am I wrong for thinking that's not an appropriate way to speak to a parental figure, or at the very least, an adult?
I would of simply said ok, obviously your ice cream eating and wearing pj takes precedent over the family birthday party we had planned so we’re going to stay home instead. No need to get upset over it.
Btw you need to have a talk with your husband about his son and his attitude.
I get the emotional aspect of it. I have 2 young kids and still will get into a situation where it gets emotional, more so bc I think my wife hasn't been doing what she's supposed to leading to 'issues' with the kid's habits. I've still got work at more calmly communicating it vs getting 'angry' which doesn't work effectively.
However, having been a teenage boy myself, that age is where one is very angry and withdrawn and prone to anti-social feelings. It's already pissy wondering "why the heck couldn't I have both parents still around.. like WTF" type mood. Then all of a sudden, a replacement comes in and gives attitude? My dad doesn't operate like this. Why are they so different in what they get mad at? The feeling of resentment can build up "ohh, you can do this to me now because you have the power.. but just wait once I'm old enough.. F this person".
Just a perspective I think you should consider given a certain entitled energy of "I'm his parent".. whereas he's probably thinking "no, you're not my real parent... just a legal guardian or legal parent. Than ends when I turn XX according to state law".
Basically, respect is a 2 way street in today's society. Top down I'm the boss approach doesn't work the way it used to.
i AM his parent. Its not an entitlement. Its a fact. He chose to live with us. That means i have to parent him. We dont operate under some thought that its his family and my family. we are 1 family.
I would of simply said ok, obviously your ice cream eating and wearing pj takes precedent over the family birthday party we had planned so we’re going to stay home instead. No need to get upset over it.
Btw you need to have a talk with your husband about his son and his attitude.
i AM his parent. Its not an entitlement. Its a fact. He chose to live with us. That means i have to parent him. We dont operate under some thought that its his family and my family. we are 1 family.
He's 16. You've been his stepmom for 6 years. The first 10 years of his life you were not. While you take on the full responsibility of being his parent (thankyou) he has feelings of being raised by his bio mom first part of his life. You know what- that's a big deal. Also very confusing to go through. You need to have small personal talks with him at times, like "you know I'm not your bio mom but have to parent you like I was, and I need your help to help me do that. It's difficult on me as it is you sometimes. If I ask you to do something I need you to do it. If you don't want to do what I ask then let's talk about it and not have an attitude." In this way you will earn his respect. And yes parents have to earn respect.
I would have just told him that as soon as he's done w/ his ice cream and gets dressed we can go to the mall. No need for added drama.
Well youre half correct. While the drama was perhaps not necessary I also dont have unlimited time to work around the schedule of a leisurely 16 year old. Couple that fact with his assumption that i do have time to work around him and i get short.
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