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Old 10-28-2019, 09:18 AM
 
7,110 posts, read 3,344,791 times
Reputation: 18631

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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedparent1 View Post
Sorry for being a bad parent ? What should I do ?

How should I deal with her slamming doors and yelling at me ?

her chores consist of taking out the kitchen trash every 2 days, and putting the dishes in the dishwasher and emptying them ..

Are the chores too much ?
What's too much is the rationale of black/white thinking and actions.

Directives in simple terms :
Doors are to be closed in a mild manner.
Garbage days are Tuesdays and Fridays.

Keep it simple. Firm directives.

Same for you. Keep it simple in how you guide this teen to respect. Open the conversation. And then listen to what is or isn't said. Demonstrate maturity.
I sense your frustration in dealing with a teens behavior. I also sense you handled it poorly. What can you modify to get better results?
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Old 10-28-2019, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Crook County, Illinois
4,052 posts, read 1,848,905 times
Reputation: 5247
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedparent1 View Post
Sorry for being a bad parent ? What should I do ?

How should I deal with her slamming doors and yelling at me ?

her chores consist of taking out the kitchen trash every 2 days, and putting the dishes in the dishwasher and emptying them ..

Are the chores too much ?
You essentially punished your daughter for whatever perceived transgression by getting her fired from a job!

Unless your city's bus system is adequate for a daily work commute, like in my own case, refusing to drive your daughter to work was a punishment that far exceeded the crime. Your daughter lost a job! So in a way, you punished yourself, because you might have to pay for things that your daughter would otherwise be able to afford herself, as she should at her age.

Interestingly, my parents weren't too big on grounding as punishment, at least at high school age. They usually relied on other, more creative but equally hurtful means. Since I already knew the bus and train system pretty well by then, they were afraid I'd sneak out and put myself in harms way, deliberate or accidentally. Like ride a train south of Roosevelt Road.
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Old 10-28-2019, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,186 posts, read 44,551,962 times
Reputation: 90337
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedparent1 View Post
Sorry for being a bad parent ? What should I do ?

How should I deal with her slamming doors and yelling at me ?

her chores consist of taking out the kitchen trash every 2 days, and putting the dishes in the dishwasher and emptying them ..

Are the chores too much ?
Start by recognizing what the big, important issues are and what things you can let go.

Most all teens slam doors and act disrespectfully. The fact that you seem intimidated by that is a problem. Instead, you should have been setting parameters for acceptable behaviors all throughout her life. Don't let typical teen behavior drag you down to her level. You are supposed to be the adult, so don't use childish behavior to respond. Remind her clearly and calmly that you don't slam doors etc and ignore her outbursts.

No, her chores are not too much. You seem to have sacrificed the bigger picture of her gaining independence to take a stand against what you call bullying by her. She's not "bullying" you. She's likely expressing fear and frustration and anxiety about new things in her life. She's not doing it in an acceptable way, but it's part of being a teen and part of learning.

The worst thing to do is leave her to her own incapable devices. Teens have to be guided and, yes, goaded into learning the right things to do.

Is there no job she can get close to home than 9 miles? She NEEDS a job so that she can start earning money, which in itself will become naturally motivating for her to keep working.

And yes, until she gets her license, you will need to drive her to work.
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Old 10-28-2019, 09:38 AM
 
1,246 posts, read 469,953 times
Reputation: 3933
Well, I hope you're... happy?

Have your actions resulted in a more positive attitude?

If she was spinning attitude at home, the natural consequences should have been at home. I have a teen, too, and I know all too well how the teen attitude poisons everything. I'm working with my daughter to improve her communication with others and find ways to express frustration is ways that aren't as damaging to others. It's rough. But you might need to admit to messing this one up.
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Old 10-28-2019, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,982 posts, read 9,558,469 times
Reputation: 8077
Whelp, guess you'll be providing for her for a very long time...
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Old 10-28-2019, 10:14 AM
 
12,828 posts, read 5,136,666 times
Reputation: 31105
I agree, you sound like a roommate. Or a big sister.

I don't know what advise to give someone, who has been a parent for 16 years and doesn't understand the concept of putting your daughter first, ahead of your annoyances.

And I don't understand parents who are completely devastated by their teenager showing emotions that aren't positive.

The big picture here, is your daughter now knows she has no one to rely on. If she doesn't take out the trash, her needs (and yes, a ride to work is a need, not a want) will be ignored.
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Old 10-28-2019, 12:17 PM
 
48 posts, read 7,779 times
Reputation: 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102 View Post
Whelp, guess you'll be providing for her for a very long time...
Whelp nope, she'll be moving out the day she turns 18, or sooner.

She can see how slamming doors, screaming, yelling, freaking out works out for her in real life.
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Old 10-28-2019, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,186 posts, read 44,551,962 times
Reputation: 90337
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedparent1 View Post
Whelp nope, she'll be moving out the day she turns 18, or sooner.

She can see how slamming doors, screaming, yelling, freaking out works out for her in real life.
So you're just gonna ignore her for the next two years???

You can't think of anything proactive you can do to continue parenting her while she's still in your house??
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Old 10-28-2019, 12:20 PM
 
Location: planet earth
6,037 posts, read 2,370,741 times
Reputation: 13515
Ok, now tell her to focus on school and her manners and don't be such a wimp.

If she slams doors, have a consequence. Some people take doors off.

It sounds like you need support.
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Old 10-28-2019, 12:21 PM
 
12,828 posts, read 5,136,666 times
Reputation: 31105
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedparent1 View Post
Whelp nope, she'll be moving out the day she turns 18, or sooner.

She can see how slamming doors, screaming, yelling, freaking out works out for her in real life.
This thread is distressing.

I hope your daughter has relationships with other adults who are supportive of her - maybe a grandma or special uncle?
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